Marin Family Counseling

Marin Family Counseling by Debra Collins MFT

  Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist, providing counseling and therapy services for families,children, and adults in Marin County, California and has been in private practice throughout the Bay Area for over ten years. For more information about Debra.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Get My Daughter to Be Respectful?

Question:

My fifth-grader has gotten so she talks back and makes smart or sarcastic remarks whenever asked to do anything. It is so hard to ask her to do anything, knowing there will be an argument to get her to do it without any mouthing and asking over and over.

Answer:

A fifth-grader may enjoy being one of the oldest kids in their school, at the same time fearing becoming the youngest in middle school. It could be she is trying on new roles at home where it is "safer to act out."

Sarcasm is a way that people show their annoyance, anger or frustration, and their comments often have an intended victim. Since you only mention that this behavior is happening at home and with you, I suspect you are getting the brunt of her "growing pains."

This would be a good time to review if your relationship is changing to reflect her desire for more independence and input. Have her participate in a new list of responsibilities and expectations that you have of one another. Her sarcasm could be her way of telling you that you that she wants a more age-appropriate relationship with you.

It is important to model good communication skills. Examine if your family is more prone to using indirect communication such as humor, sarcasm, or silence. Some use is not harmful, but it sounds like you and your daughter are not feeling respected. Working together to be more empathic and clear and direct might allow both of you an opportunity to better understand one another.

Children and teens get a steady diet of media depicting sarcasm as a common communication style. It is not unusual to hear children using sarcasm regularly with both adults and their peers. It would be useful to explore with your daughter how this might be affecting her relationships and help her to become more discerning.

It is easier to not resort to lecturing or nagging if you remain open and curious about what your daughter is attempting to convey. You might also want to suggest that the teacher have a classroom discussion on sarcasm and its impact on others.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Does Not Share or Play Well with Others

Question:

My second-grader has difficulty sharing and playing with others. She seems almost angry. There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year. I also notice that she tries to do things on her own and not in front of others. It's as if she is worried about being embarrassed. Is this typical second-grade behavior or something I should get outside help with?

Answer:

Developmentally, second-graders have a strong need to belong and feel accepted by their peers and family. Children this age are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism. This might be why she is sensitive about doing things in front of others. Some common things that children are self-conscious about are:

    * Speaking or reading aloud, especially if they have learning challenges.
    * Writing, drawing or other physical activities; especially if there are difficulties with motor skills.

Find out what she is avoiding and under what circumstances to better support her and help her feel more confident doing those tasks.

You stated "There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year." Since I don't know what has occurred, it's difficult to fully discern whether her response to those circumstances is age- appropriate and understandable. For example, her "anger" might be reasonable, but some guidance might help her express it more productively.

How do her peer relationships and academic performance differ from last year? How does her teacher view her? A child her age typically desires cooperation and group alliance. You mention she is having problems sharing and playing with others; this might be an indication that she needs more support from her peers. Find out if there are friendship groups at your daughter's school. Friendship groups are groups that create a safe place for children who are struggling with social skills and with making friends.

I think that often when parents ask themselves, "Should I get outside help?" they already have a sense that the answer is probably "yes." Your school counselor might be a good resource to help explore what options are available at school and in your community. Check with your insurance provider or county mental health agency to see if they offer providers. Make sure you meet alone with any therapist first to feel comfortable that this individual has experience with the issues you need guidance with, before introducing him to your child.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Grandson Misbehaves at School

Question:

My grandson is in the first grade and his grades are good, but the teacher has sent a note home everyday this past week stating that he is talking, playing or interrupting the class. I have had talks with him, given him time-outs, taken things away from him that I know he loves in hopes that it would help him remember to behave at school.

He is a very sweet child. He does not talk back to me and he's been with me most of his life. He loves living with me, but after our talks before school and the hugs and "I love yous" he goes to school and comes home with a bad report of talking and throwing crayons. He knows he will be in trouble, but he does it anyway. What can I do to change this?

Answer:

There are many reasons why children are disruptive in class. Children have difficulty articulating their feelings; they show it by their behavior instead.

It appears from your comment, "he gets good grades," that his behavior is not linked to academic challenges, but might be a response to a stressor. Is this new behavior?

I assume that you are his primary caregiver since there is no mention of parental involvement. Although I have no details about your particular situation, I can provide some thoughts to consider and explore. Children that have no, or limited contact with their parents, may continue to have questions about this as they mature. Every developmental age creates opportunities to gain more understanding. It is common for a child to continue to process his circumstances, in order to feel safe and secure.

If your grandson still has visitation with his parent(s) the transition between households or differing parenting styles can be confusing. It may bring up loyalty conflicts and other big feelings. Some young children may "act out" at school because they are very concerned about rejection from their caregiver, even when the caregiver has demonstrated love, consistency and support.

Time-outs at home would not be particularly helpful as they are not a logical consequence of his behaviors at school, but a "quiet place" in the classroom, or learning other calming techniques would be. A behavior report is not sufficient; it is too far removed from the event. A behavior plan that includes both real-time consequences and future incentive is more useful at his age. In addition, have the teacher reinforce the times he is behaving appropriately to help him feel more successful.

A school counselor can help with his school behavior and a therapist might assist you and your grandson in better understanding his behaviors.

State Fact Sheets for Grandparents and Other Relatives Raising Children can direct you to resources.

Q&A with Debra: My Child's Class Is Out of Control

Question:

My son is in a kindergarten classroom where the students are out of control most of the time. There are a few students in class who the teacher can not get control. It seems she spends more time dealing with misbehaving kids than teaching. Because of this my son is losing interest in school. What should I do?

Answer:

This is a very sensitive topic that is of concern to many parents. Not every teacher's strength is classroom management. And while some teachers may be very good at it, sometimes the level of a child's disturbance may be beyond either the teacher's skill set. Examples would include a child with severe emotional difficulties, or a school placement that is inappropriate. Not everyone's "needs" and "rights" are being adequately served in these complex situations.

In your case, without fully understanding the circumstances around the "misbehaving kids," it might be good to start by exploring with your son about how he feels about school. Find out what he is doing during the disruptive incidents. What is his relationship with the teacher? Does she answer his questions, call on him, and interact with him? Does he feel safe in the classroom? Is he learning what is required of him? Reinforce your pleasure in his ability to "make good choices" even when there are distractions.

With the details you have gathered from your son, you can start a conversation with the teacher about what your child says about his school experience and how you think your child is being affected. Because of the young age of your child, volunteering or visiting the classroom may also help you understand what your son is experiencing. Knowing specifics can help you have a more productive conversation with the teacher.

If you don't feel that the teacher is receptive or equipped to handle some of her students, go to your principal. The principal might be able to offer the teacher more guidance and support, which in turn will result in a better learning environment for your son and his classmates.

Q&A with Debra: My Second-Grader Works Too Slowly

Question:

My second-grader works very slowly. We both work on her homework during the afternoon. She usually needs to do about three to four pages of homework. We start at 6:00 p.m. and she does not finish until 7:30 p.m. I don't know what to do for her to work at a faster pace. Am I being too pushy? When she asks me to give her a 10-minute break during that period of time, should I? She likes to work more with math and does it much faster than reading and writing. What can I do to help her improve her work pace?

Answer:

It is sensible to check yourself out on this one. Homework seems to be one of the biggest sources of frustration for everyone involved, and the debate about its efficacy has become heated. Some experts say we need children to do more because we are falling behind in education. Others say it is our curriculum that is the problem and that this won't be solved by giving more homework. To make it more complicated, some studies suggest that homework (before sixth grade) does little to improve academic success. No matter what your bias, homework is not going away. So it helps to be positive about it around your child.

The U.S. Department of Education offers these guidelines: kindergarten through second grade - 10 to 20 minutes each day; third through sixth grade- 30 to 60 minutes. However, I think there are so many factors involved, such as when and where the child does homework and how difficult it is based on the child's skill level, that these guidelines may not be very helpful. Check in with your child's teacher about her expectations and what she feels your daughter should be able to accomplish, based on how she completes her work in class. I like that your daughter is asking for what she needs. Try giving her a 10-minute break and see how she does with it. Avoid difficult transitions like watching television. Experiment with the order of her work. Some children do better doing what they like first and others like doing the easier part last. It is your daughter's homework so let her complete it at her pace. Then you can go over it with her to see how she did. Keeping children on task is helpful, but too much pushing can be counterproductive.