Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Parent Equitably?

Question:

I have both a first-grader and a third-grader, and besides being of different genders, they are also different in how they are doing in school. My first-grader is doing wonderfully and has gotten many compliments; however, my third-grade daughter has been struggling.

I like to award the kids when they come home with good grades, but this is getting difficult due to my daughter. She is working really hard, but still struggles and has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places. It's getting hard to show my son that he is doing a good job while my daughter is looking on. I don't want to stop showing him that I am proud, but I don't want my daughter to feel that I feel any less for her.

Answer:

Parenting equitably is often a struggle, and it is especially difficult when one child has learning disabilities, or special medical or behavioral requirements.

Children's academic needs differ from child to child, based on the problem and the temperament of the child. One child can work a few extra minutes on a subject to keep up, while another needs specialized tutoring. Spending more time on homework is not effective if it is not geared to address your daughter's deficits.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable, obtainable and age-appropriate. Her teacher may be able to help you strategize a realistic homework plan that will enhance her learning and not overwhelm or discourage her.

Your statement that your daughter "has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places" reinforces the very thing you want to avoid - showing favoritism toward your son. Children should not miss family outings because they have difficulties in school. Feeling left out or left behind is not conducive to learning and stresses the sibling relationship.

You and your children could work on a structured after-school schedule, which allows each child a chance to organize a schedule based on the grade-level demands. Work on balancing play, work and family time.

Give each of your children additional scheduled "special time" alone with you. Try to do this with each child once a month and let each one pick an activity to do with you. This gives you the opportunity to find out how each of them is doing and allows you time to reinforce their strengths as well as hear their concerns.

Q&A with Debra: Am I Overprotective of My 9-Year-Old?

Question:

My daughter is 9 years old. Her friends from school and the neighborhood are allowed to roam the neighborhood without parental supervision, stay out later than her and have late bed times. I'm not sure if I'm right for keeping a tight rein on her or if I'm being a clingy mom. Things aren't the same as they were when I was growing up. How do I know if it's time to let go a little?

Answer:

Parents want to foster independence and initiative in their children, but the news is scary. We are warned about cyberspace stalking, molestation and abduction. I doubt the world was ever truly safe for children, but it does appear to be more perilous today, with danger lurking around every corner. This perception may be due in part because we have more media coverage of crimes against children, and recent education about the vulnerabilities children face in the world has also brought more awareness and fear for their safety.

Every parent needs to make her own decision about what level of independence she is comfortable with. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

    * How mature is your child, regardless of their chronological age.
    * Does your family have safety plans in place? Will your child know what to do in difficult situations?
    * What are the environmental risks in your neighborhood? (Not all suburban and rural areas are necessarily "safe," and not all urban areas are dangerous.)
    * Is your child good at making wise choices in general and independently of the influence of her peers?

It's still appropriate to establish a bedtime for fourth graders. It is not unlike setting a curfew for teenagers. However, one way both of you can feel better about the limits you set is by providing opportunities for her to make age appropriate choices for herself. For example, she can choose her extracurricular activities, the clothes she wears that day, and when she does her homework after school. Other activities to encourage responsibility are participation in household chores and involvement in charitable community activities.

Because safety will always be a parental concern, see if your school or PTA can contract with outside agencies to educate children and parents about the issues that are of most concern. Many local law enforcement agencies offer education in everything from pedestrian safety to Internet safety. Mcgruff.org has a variety of safety information.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child is Acting Out

Question:

My daughter is in second grade. She has been having behavior problems at school since the school year began. She has not been listening, talking in class and talking back to the teacher. She doesn't act out at home, nor at the after-school daycare she goes to. This behavior is uncharacteristic for her. She is usually such a great joy to everyone around her. She has always been the teacher's favorite student in kindergarten and first grade. She has the same second grade teacher as she had for first grade.

There are no changes in the household or in our lives that might be the cause. I have tried grounding her, talking with her, time outs, and I spoke extensively with her teacher. The teacher is unsure of the cause, since she is not disturbed by classmates sitting next to her and no one is picking on her. I am really at a loss as to what to do to turn her behavior around.

The only thing that I could possibly think of, is that maybe the material is too advanced for her, and she could be frustrated. Last year her teacher and I worked very hard with her on her reading skills, to make sure she didn't get left behind. Only this year has she been uncooperative in class.

Answer:

It sounds like you have a good relationship with the teacher and that both of you have examined all the possibilities for your daughter's change in behavior.

Here are a few more things to consider: Start by getting information from your daughter. We often forget that children do have some insight into their problems, but need help expressing it. Be curious about the shifts in her behavior by asking her what is the same and what is different about first and second grade. Children are less defensive when asked in this way rather than asking "why" questions.

You state that she was "the teacher's favorite student" in first grade and that she has this same teacher now. Is it possible that your child expects certain privileges that her teacher is no longer providing? Or, if your daughter is now doing better academically, because of the support she received last year, she might be missing the extra attention from her teacher. These are issues worth exploring.

However, if your daughter is still having academic difficulties, your question that the material may be too advanced might well lead you to the cause of her acting out. Therefore, testing for learning disabilities would be helpful to determine if she needs modification in the classroom to help her succeed academically and reduce her frustration.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My child has a bad temper

Question:

My 9-year-old son is very smart and gets excellent grades, but he has a bad temper and very little patience. I don't know how to help him control his temper. What can I do to help him?

Answer:

If you have a better idea of the “where, what, why, when, and how” of his behavior, it may narrow down your approaches. An assessment of the problem is necessary in order to better find a solution.

Here are some general questions to start:

    * Is this new behavior? What is he angry or impatient about — changes at home or at school? If this is an old issue, what has or hasn't worked in the past?
    * Is he impatient with just you or with others as well?
    * How is he with his peers?
    * How is he with other authority figures or family members?
    * How do you model handling anger? How patient are you in stressful situations?
    * Is his lack of patience outside the range of age-appropriate behavior?
    * Under what circumstances does he display his anger or impatience?
    * Does he recognize his behavior as a problem? Does he have a "feelings" vocabulary? Does he have alternative behaviors to practice? Do you and the teacher have a way to help him recognize when he is escalating?

Here are some possible scenarios and solutions:

    * If his behavior only occurs at school but his grades (as you report) are “excellent,” then it is possible that he is bored and not challenged enough. Discuss with his teacher to make sure he has extra projects to do.
    * If he is having poor peer relations, is there a social skills group he can participate in, either at school or in the community? Such groups often teach impulse-control techniques. Participating in team sports or martial arts can also help him.
    * If there your home life is stressful, family counseling might be helpful.
    * Simple techniques such as teaching him to "stop, relax, and think" can be used at home and school. The child is asked to stop when he begins to escalate, then relax (such as slow and deep breathing, counting, etc.), then think — "What is the issue? What am I feeling? What are some solutions to try?"
    * Other anger and impulsivity tools can be found at Angries Out.