Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Ease My Child's Test Anxiety?

Question:

My first-grader has terrible test anxiety. Every Friday she has a spelling test and does not seem to get upset over it, but if I or the teacher tells her she is having a test any other day she gets very upset.

She will worry until the day of the test and then cry until we leave for school. I try to review the work with her to show her that she knows it. But she just gets upset and won't listen. I do not tell her I expect perfect scores. I always tell her I expect her to do her best. Is this normal in first grade? How can I help alleviate her anxiety?

Answer:

Here's the good news. Your daughter figured out how to take a spelling test every Friday and not get upset. That's a positive start and suggests that she doesn't necessarily have "terrible test anxiety." She may just need help in discovering how she was able to do that in order to generalize these methods to other subjects and situations.

It may be that she likes predictability. It gives her a sense of control. However, exploring other possible worries would also be helpful. For example, it might be the subject matter that makes her anxious, not the test day.

It is hard for any of us to get talked out of our feelings. But learning coping strategies for our worries can eliminate some stress and help us perform better. You can try reading storybooks with characters who worry to help her see how others cope. It doesn't have to be the same issue to be affective.

You can be curious and positive about her ability to take spelling tests, and marvel about how she was able to accomplish this. This can help her identify her strengths and ability to solve problems. Then guide her to using these same skills in a new situation. You can ask the teacher how she helps children prepare for tests, so that you replicate this at home. She may be confused about studying, the testing process and what it means to "do her best." Some teachers do not teach testing skills in first grade and others do. Knowing what the teacher's expectations are around testing would be helpful in guiding your own expectations.

If your child's anxiety escalates to school refusal, or additional fears, you should seek professional guidance from the school counselor or a child therapist for further assessment.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Doesn't Write Down His Homework Assignments

Question:

My son is in fifth grade, and he takes a long time to write down and copy assignments. Most of the time he doesn't get all of his assignments written down and I have to get it from the teachers. When I spoke with his teachers they said it was due to him talking and daydreaming. The fifth grade involves much more homework and tests than any other grade so far. What should I do?

Answer:

Is this new behavior? Was your son able to copy his assignments off of the board in previous grades? Is he only "slow" with this task, or does he have other academic challenges? There are processing problems that might explain his difficulty with retaining the information from the board to the paper. If that is the case, he might have shown signs of this difficulty before fifth grade.

Children avoid what they don't like doing and also what is hard for them. You and his teacher should further discuss if she believes this issue is purely behavioral, or if he may need an educational evaluation. Some teachers have various methods for assessing this and dealing with both behavior and educational concerns. Here are some approaches teachers use:

    * Have students write down their assignments in the morning when they are fresh, to avoid rushing at the end of the day.
    * Posting assignments online so both parents and students can check them from home.
    * On Mondays, provide students with a homework list that includes all assignments for the week.
    * Have a student in the class read the assignments aloud from the board, in addition to copying.
    * Provide a standard homework form with blank spaces to fill in. Some children do better filling out a few things instead of having to write down the whole assignment.
    * Ask your son what ideas he has to make this easier for him.
    * Ask him how he feels about homework and the assignments. Could you make some adjustments at home that would help him feel more successful with the new challenges of fifth grade?

Also, some children regress in fifth grade because of their fears about entering middle school. It would be helpful to explore this issue as well. Some schools offer workshops for both students and parents about transitioning to middle school which can begin to address these issues.

Q&A with Debra: Help My Child Cope With Parental Separation

Question:

I have been separated from my husband for a year now, and I have tried to inform my daughter of this. At first she asked about him all the time and suggested that he was at work. Now she understands that he is not home and she asks if we are divorced. I always tell her that even if we get divorced, it is not because of her. I tell her that we both love her. She always likes to stay with him because I am the one who makes her study and he does not care as much about studying. Any suggestions of how I can make the transition easier for her?

Answer:

Almost all children fantasize about their parents getting back together and worry that the divorce is their fault. Where children are developmentally also contributes to their understanding. It was probably easier for her at age 6 to believe that her dad was at work. Going to work is something concrete she understood. "Separation" is a harder concept to grasp.

By second grade she has a better understanding. You mentioned that you told her, "even if we get divorced…" I'm sure it must be a challenge to explain things if there is a possibility that you might reconcile. The anxiety about not knowing can be very stressful for all concerned.

If you are unsure about divorce, empathize with her that it must be hard waiting for mom and dad to decide. It would be ideal if you and your ex-husband talk with her together about what you have planned, and what routines and rules will be enforced. If you know that you will divorce, let her know when that will occur and any changes in schedules that may happen as a result.

Many parents understandably feel that one parent is favored by the child because of discipline issues. My experience working with families is that while it often appears that way, children want to be with their parents because they are their parents. However, children do test the limits and the boundaries with each one. This will happen whether you remain together or apart.

GreatSchools has wonderful information and resources about children and divorce which can be useful in your case, as well. Let the teacher know about this situation so that she can be aware of any behavior changes. Family therapy might be helpful to guide you through these transitions as well.

Q&A with Debra: My Granddaughter Is Acting Out Due to a New Sibling

Question:

My daughter had a precious little boy last week. My daughter also has a 7-year-old girl who was and still is so excited about her little brother, but she is having behavior issues. She is talking to people with an attitude, expecting everyone to do everything for her and having temper tantrums, something she has never had before.

My daughter called me today hysterical as my granddaughter called her from school to tell her she just got caught stealing paint from the art room. This is unlike anything she has ever done. What can we do? My daughter and her husband are at wits' end about this misbehavior. She has had things important to her taken away mostly her trampoline. I understand that children will act out for attention when a new sibling is brought into the home, but this is unacceptable.

Answer:

Congratulations on the birth of your grandson. It often takes awhile for a family to adjust to having a new baby in the house. Before the baby's birth, the family was understandably focusing on the joys his arrival would bring. Although your granddaughter was excited to have a new sibling, it is very different when the reality hits., and your granddaughter would have no idea about the downside until the baby arrives. It's hard to anticipate the future when you are only seven. Her behavior, although troublesome, is age appropriate.

Your daughter is probably exhausted and may have less energy and patience in dealing with your granddaughter. Her parents will also need time to adjust to the demands of a newborn, while still attending to the needs of their daughter.

Your granddaughter has to redefine her role in the family. It's difficult to shift from being an only child to being a big sister. She doesn't understand her function in this new family configuration, but does understand that she is no longer the center of her parents' world.

Her "talking to people with attitude" is her way of expressing her confusion and possibly anger at being displaced. Stealing things can also be a way of "getting your share" before it is taken from you. Other common reactions for a "displaced" older sibling are: age regressive behaviors such as temper tantrums, clinginess, using "baby talk,"requesting to nurse or sleep with parents, inability to dress oneself or perform other previously mastered skills.

Here are some tips to support your granddaughter:

    * Allow her the opportunity to mourn the loss of her position in the family. Discuss the negatives openly, as this may help her identify and express her feelings rather than act out.
    * Explore what remains the same in her family such as the fact that her parents still love her, and they all live together. Explore what is different such as the fact that she must sometimes wait for her wants and needs to be met.
    * Her teacher and parents should respect her feelings but inform her that she still is expected to follow the rules.
    * Allow her to participate with the care of her baby brother in age appropriate ways.
    * Use a story book such as Kevin Henkes's Julius, the Baby of the World to start a discussion.

Q&A with Debra: How can I get my sons to stop arguing?

Question:

My two boys are in kindergarten and third grade. They constantly argue. I have tried so many things. I have even separated them by giving them their own rooms so each one has his own space. It hasn't really helped. I would like to know: Is this normal and how should I go about disciplining them?

Answer:

Giving each of your sons his own private space was a great start, but as you mentioned it didn't solve the problem.

There are multiple causes for sibling squabbling and some amount of it is common. Often siblings have competitive needs and temperaments and it helps to look at their issues from a developmental perspective.

For example, a kindergartner is more eager to please and may still want mommy, but a third-grader is seeking more independence and has more school challenges. While the third-grader may also at times want his mommy, it suddenly is perceived as babyish and he may resent the sibling who gets mom's attention more freely. These may not be your children's issues, but this perspective may clarify what developmental needs are not being met.

You might also try making once-a-month dates with each child so each can have your undivided attention.

Try weekly family meetings to go over the rules of family life, such as chores, routines and schedules. It is also important to review your expectations about their behavior and the consequences of not adhering to it. Sibling difficulties can be addressed at this time as well. Many siblings fight over who owns what and what is to be shared. At the meeting you can clarify this and the natural consequences of undesired behavior.

We are not born knowing about conflict resolution; it is a learned skill. As a family you can decide how you are going to resolve conflicts and problem-solve appropriate solutions. How you model this behavior in your day-to-day life helps them get a sense of how you want them to resolve their differences. For more ideas, check out Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.