Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Fifth-Grader Reverses Numbers When He Writes

Question:

My son is in fifth grade, and he still reverses some of his numbers. He doesn't reverse his b's and d's like he used to, but he still writes his 4s, 5s and 6s backward about 50% of the time. This doesn't seem to impede his ability to do math, but it worries me.

I've had him tested by the school psychologist for learning disabilities. She said he tested in the normal range, so he doesn't qualify for special services.

Is there anything further that I can do? Or should I just be patient and see if the reversals go away.

Answer:

I think you have a valid concern and you did the right thing by having him tested. He'll be in middle school next year and you want to make sure he's getting what he needs to make that next big step.

If you already met with the school psychologist and he or she went over the results with you, I would check in with the learning resources specialist at your school (special education teacher). Have the specialist have him look at his test results. His impairment may not qualify for special services, but the specialist teacher should have a good sense of what exercises, if any, may help him. In some schools the specialist or special education teacher will meet only with special education students and parents, so you may want to speak with your principal first.

Because his b's and d's straightened out, and he can perform math skills, the specialist may likely tell you your son will correct the reversals on his own, but it never hurts to get more information and support. If you want a second opinion, your pediatrician may have private evaluation referrals for you.

Q&A with Debra: I'm Worried About My Child's Speech Skills

Question:

My daughter's speech is not quite where I think it should be. She has a tendency to say things backward like, "Mom, can I get some towel paper?" or she'll say "What should I wear on?" instead of saying "wear" or "put on." It's especially confusing when she tells a long story because her words constantly get switched around and the pronunciation is not always clear. How can I help her?

Answer:

Those are great examples of what some young children do with word placement.

While not uncommon in her age group, it can be a concern if it seems to you that this is her normal speech pattern rather than an exception. As you have noticed, it will be more common in longer stories, especially when children are excited about what they are saying.

Ask her teacher if this is something she is noticing in the classroom that is causing concern. Also, does the teacher or your daughter's peers have difficulty understanding what she is trying to communicate? This may give you an additional guide as to how concerned you should be.

Follow your instinct. If you feel her articulation and expressive language skills seem off, ask if she can be evaluated by the speech and language teacher at her school. This will give you a better idea if she needs additional school services.

Sometimes it can help to have your daughter slow down when she's talking. Children can easily get ahead of themselves, which can result in the examples you gave. Be gentle so that she doesn't become too self-conscious.

One thing you might try is to tell her that what she says is important to you and that it would help you if she slowed down so you can understand and hear everything she's saying. You can also help slow her down by repeating some of what she says to you. If there is an error, you can repeat the phrase correctly. It is not necessary to point out her error at this time until you have a better understanding of what is needed.

Q&A with Debra: What should I do with a disrespectful child?

Question:

This year my 6-year-old is repeating kindergarten at the request of her teacher last year who said that although her skills were developed, she was "not emotionally ready" for first grade.

While last year she enjoyed school, this year she claims she doesn't. On the second week of school, I got a call from the principal's office saying she had been sent there for the first time ever for discipline. I was told that she did not listen to the teacher for three times in a row and on the fourth direction, she yelled "No!" back at the teacher.

What can I do to support my daughter treating her teachers with respect? Is it possible she is bored with the repeat of curriculum?

Answer:

Common factors in determining a child's "emotional readiness" for kindergarten are age and previous preschool experience. Children start kindergarten at different emotional, behavioral and academic levels. It can be helpful and appropriate for children to repeat a grade based on a variety of issues that can include both academic and "emotional readiness." Regardless of the reasons, how the retention was explained to your child is the key to ensuring that your daughter does not feel that she has failed or is being punished by repeating.

First, make sure you and the teacher are giving your daughter the same explanation for her retention and that it is understandable to a 6-year-old. It is also important that you convey a positive non-punishing feeling about her retention.

In order to further support your child, consider the following: Have a good understanding of what is meant by "emotional readiness." We can assist children in maturing by having clear behavioral expectations. The teacher should construct a behavior plan that you and your child understand and that is within the range of age-appropriate behaviors. Behavior plans have a higher success rate when the teacher, student and parents have participated in setting and maintaining the goals together.

Does the school counseling program have a social skills group? If not, do they have referrals in the community? Social skills groups can help children strengthen appropriate coping skills, problem solving and peer interactions.

How is your child doing academically? Are any interventions needed?

Having a clear plan and strategy for your child's retention can help lessen everyone's anxiety and increase your child's school performance.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Teach My Child It's OK to Lose?

Question:

My second-grade daughter is very bright. She reads at almost the fifth-grade level. The problem is that she is so hard on herself! She is often upset if she doesn't win at a math game and it can ruin her whole day. Despite encouragement at home, and constant reassurance that she cannot always be the leader or the winner, she just can't grasp this concept.

The only expectations we have for our daughter is to do her best, and enjoy school. I am afraid that this behavior, if not redirected, may be harmful in the long run. I know that I must also ignore some of the drama, but it can be hard. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer:

It is wonderful that you are examining her issue from all sides. It can be difficult to teach children how to lose gracefully. I think that in general, children today seem to have a lower tolerance for frustration than in previous generations. There are many things being attributed to this, such as keeping kids overly stimulated and active, not clearly defining expectations or giving mixed messages.

It can also be challenging for academically bright children to cope when things suddenly are difficult for them. There is no shortcut to life experience. Although she is reading at the fifth-grade level, she still is only in second grade. What are her teacher's expectations of her and how are they communicated?

Dealing with disappointment is a learned skill, and we learn first from the adults around us. You may want to explore how people tolerate frustration in your family. Even with the best of intentions we may give mixed messages by saying one thing, but modeling another. Adults come home from work and blame the boss, storm around the house when something didn't work out as planned, or call themselves "stupid." Modeling how to deal with unfulfilled expectations, by talking about what you are feeling, is one way to demonstrate coping skills.

As you mentioned, it is important to not fuel drama, especially if she's using it as a way to connect. Acknowledging her feelings, but minimizing your reaction can help. In a neutral tone you can say something like, "It's disappointing when you don't win at...". Then resist the pull to reassure her or make her stop. When she's calmer, you can ask her if she wants to come up with a solution. "Failure" teaches us problem solving, but sometimes we just need to learn to sit with our disappointment.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Address Death With My First-Grader?

Question:

We recently had a death in the family. I want to make sure that I address the subject appropriately with my daughter. Can you advise me on how to address death with a first-grader and suggest some good books on the subject at a first-grade level?

Answer:

I'm sorry for your family's loss. Although death is a natural part of life, it can be difficult to discuss with children, especially when you are experiencing your own grief. Even if your child has never personally known anyone who died, they have likely been exposed through the media. By giving your child an opportunity to talk openly about death, you're letting her know she can rely on you in troubled times.

It may help your child to learn that everyone grieves differently based on their age, their relationship to the deceased, and their past experiences. If it seems appropriate, you might explain how your family copes with death, their beliefs about the afterlife, and the feelings they have about who died and how.

Children aged six to eight understand that death is final, but may not be fully aware that personal death is unavoidable. They are focused on who else might die and who would take care of them if something happened to you or your spouse. They need reassurance that they will be cared for.

Children at this age think in concrete terms, so it's best to avoid euphemisms. For example, saying "He went to sleep," might cause confusion. Children often feel responsible for "bad things" happening. Reassure them that death is not the result of anything they did or thought. They may also believe death is something that "comes and gets you." Be clear about how and what caused your relative's death.

Children may have difficulty verbalizing their feelings and may show their feelings through their behavior and physical reactions. Common normal grief reactions:

    * Being clingy, teary, anxious and overactive, or withdrawn.
    * Changes in sleep patterns, and complaints about being tired or having stomachaches.

Children have a limited capacity to tolerate pain. Sometimes they appear very concerned and need reassurance, or they may seem indifferent. They grieve intermittently and in brief and intense spurts. To help navigate through the uncertainty, parents can offer safety and continuity by discussing what is "the same and different" since the death occurred. Participating in rituals (including funerals) can be helpful to honor their relationship with the deceased.

Grief is an ongoing process for everyone. We grieve over time and re-visit the loss at different developmental stages. There is no particular time frame. A child's grief becomes a problem if it disrupts her normal development.

Here are some helpful resources on grief in children:

    * Guiding Your Child Through Grief by Mary Ann Emswiler and James Emswiler
    * Compassion Books has a section on "Children and Grief."
    * When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. This picture book for children ages five to ten explores types of deaths, cultural differences, children's concerns and provides ideas to help memorialize loved ones.