Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My kindergartner already reads. Will she be bored?

Question:

I am the mother of a 5-year-old girl currently attending kindergarten. We've spoken with her teacher about the curriculum planned for this year and among other great things, he stated that he will be teaching the kids to read. The problem is, our daughter started reading at age 4 and can now read second- and third-grade level books.

My concern is while the other children will be learning, she will be held back or not advance as we'd like for her to. We found out that her school has advanced-placement classes. She would have to be tested to find out whether or not she is eligible (which we think she would be) to be placed in those classes for a limited amount of time each day.

Do you think this is a good idea? Is there anything she will benefit from if she stays in the class setting while the other children are just beginning to read?

Answer:

It sounds like you want a nice balance between challenging your daughter academically and allowing her to ease into the kindergarten experience. Having the advanced-placement testing will give you a more through understanding of the scope of her reading abilities and skills. With more information, you can work with her teacher to determine what placement best meets her current skill level, or if she is fine where she is.

It will be important for you to know if they are testing for comprehension. Some children can read the words of higher grade levels, but don't fully understand what they are reading, or how to put what they read in context. This type of "disconnect" is not uncommon and is, in part, a developmental issue. A child can learn to read words before she has a full understanding of what the words mean.

If you do find that she is fully comprehending more advanced reading material, find out from her teacher if she seems bored during reading, or if she is enjoying herself. If she is engaged with the experience of learning with her classmates, then you may want to advance her later when she needs more of a challenge. You may also want to find out from your daughter how reading in class is going for her.

Kindergarten is a time for children to acclimate to school-based learning and socialization. It is OK to take your time so that you get enough information to make a decision you are comfortable with. It is good that you are looking at her overall needs and not just the fact that she is a good reader. A "whole child" approach will benefit your daughter now and throughout her academic career.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Fifth-Grader Is Immature

Question:

My son is fairly immature for a 10-year-old, both socially and academically. He is forgetful, disorganized and childish, which sometimes gets in the way of schoolwork and friendships.

He's been tested for ADD, but he didn't meet enough of the criteria. He is smart, but impulsive and rather silly. He seems bored in school and uninterested in the common social games played at this age. He is a very caring person, but seems to lack discipline, self-control and social skills. Helping with reading or math is obvious, but how can we help with these issues without squelching his wonderful spirit?

Answer:

It is wonderful that you recognize both the gift of his spirit and what skills he needs to work on. Many children have ADHD or ADD traits, but don't qualify for special services. Children who are anxious also have many of these same behaviors. You are correct that it is sometimes easier to plan academic strategies than behavioral ones. We are all complex beings and there are many factors that impact how we learn and behave.

If you have not had a meeting with the teacher, administrator and counselor, you may want to ask for one. At that meeting key school personnel and parents discuss the child's strengths and problem areas. The team and parents create a plan that may involve additional academic and possibly psychological testing to better understand the student's needs. Outside resources are recommended, and home and classroom strategies are explored.

Self-control, discipline, organizational and social skills are all learned behaviors. We need to practice them to mature. A social skills group might be a way for your son to learn how to problem solve and behave more appropriately. Check hospitals, counseling centers and managed-care systems in your area. Another alternative is group sports or martial arts classes.

Many of the strategies that are used for ADHD work well for children who are anxious and unfocused. Slowing down and breaking things down into steps helps children stay on task. The simplest behavioral strategies recommended by the NIMH are:

    * Create a schedule and structure
    * Organize everyday items so that they are consistently in the same place
    * Use organizing tools such as sectioned notebooks. (I use accordion files.)

It will be important to begin work on this now, as middle school will have more challenges and stressors.

Q&A with Debra: Should My Child Move up a Grade?

Question:

My daughter is in first grade. She complains daily about being bored. She is a great reader, spells way beyond first-grade level and the same goes for math. She is a December baby and missed starting kindergarten by two days. I was OK with this at the time, thinking she would be more prepared for the challenge if she was older. Now I'm not sure that was a good call.

I have worked with her teacher and the principal to get her harder homework and more of a challenge on a daily basis. I do not think it is working. I have thought about moving her up a grade but I'm not sure how that would be for her, being the youngest and especially a few years from now.

Any suggestions?

Answer:

Grade acceleration, or "skipping," is as difficult a concern for parents as retention but often does not get as much attention. I am curious to know "what is not working" about the solution her teacher and principal devised to address your concerns. If it is based only on the fact that your daughter is complaining about "being bored," than that probably is not sufficient to guide your decision. Children of all skill levels use the "I'm bored" phrase because they don't know how else to explain what they are having difficulty with. Sometimes, "bored" means they are having trouble with interpersonal skills, not academics.

You may want to consult with your principal and teacher about their acceleration policy. Find out how your daughter is performing academically across all subject levels. Some schools won't consider acceleration if a child is not performing at the 95th percentile or greater in all subject areas. Ask if your school provides comprehensive psycho-educational testing by a school psychologist. If not, you may want to seek out a licensed psychologist in your area who provides academic, psychological and developmental tests, to see how your daughter might cope with "skipping," and to see if it is even an appropriate option.

Once you have determined where your daughter is developmentally, socially, and educationally, you will have more information to guide your decision. Knowing what types of enrichment programs your school offers can help guide you as well. Some programs allow the child to stay in her grade, but she may receive additional challenges with other classes or activities. With clarification as to your child's specific needs, you can go about assessing not only the acceleration issue, but also what schools in your area best support her strengths.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Clashes with His Teacher

Question:

My son is in first grade.  He did not have any major behavior problems last year. Since we and other people - as well as last year's teacher - haven't had behavior problems with him, we really don't think it is ADHD. His current teacher would like us to get him tested. But she is the only one who seems to have a problem with him; everyone is shocked at his apparent disrespect for her. And as far as she can see, he's a perfect ADHD candidate. He certainly does act that way with her. How do I find out why they are at each others throats? There has to be something between their personalities that causes this clash.

Answer:

Your son's "disrespectful" behavior is not, in and of itself, reason to suspect ADHD. Impulsivity, non-compliance and social inappropriateness are just some of the behaviors attributed to ADHD.

SchwabLearning.org , The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics are excellent resources to help familiarize you with the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, as well as other childhood disorders. Mood disorders, such as depression and anxiety, can lead to "acting out" behavior, as well as undiagnosed learning disabilities. Knowing more about these issues can help you decide when to consider having your child tested.

Changes in family life can also cause acting out in school. Examine if there have been any recent developments in the family or the family routine that might be cause for anxiety. Remember, what may not be upsetting to you may be to your son.

Try some investigative reporting with your child. Be careful not to blame either the teacher or your child. Try something like, "Gee, you had such a good time in kindergarten, I wonder what's different about first grade." Give your child an opportunity to express what is difficult about his experience so that you can strategize some solutions.

Make sure you are clear on what behavioral expectations the teacher has of your child and that your child is clear about them as well. Be specific and break the classroom rules down into manageable steps.

Over the course of your child's life he will need to learn how to deal with people he may not care for. One thing you can do at home is avoid "venting" about people in authority, like a boss, spouse, etc. It is best to model "working it out" rather than "acting out."