Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Angry Child?

Question:

If my son doesn't get his way he becomes very rebellious. He wants to be in control, and he gets angry if he doesn't get his way. This usually lasts a half-hour to an hour. How can we get through to him that his actions are hurting him? How do we counter his actions to get him over being angry and hostile?

Answer:

I'm glad you understand that his behavior can be damaging to him and that you want to help him learn better coping skills. The reasons for displaying anger are complex and varied, but you are correct that the angry child feels out of control and uses anger as a way to convey that.

Boys historically tend to be more overtly or physically aggressive when angry, and girls tend to be more verbally or relationally aggressive.

Research shows that aggressive/angry children:

    * Notice more negative cues in social situations than positive
    * Under-perceive their own aggression and over-perceive aggression in others
    * Use more aggressive strategies to cope than verbal or problem-solving techniques
    * Express more negative emotions than their peers

Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, but some children need help expressing it appropriately. The angrier a child gets the more they get rejected. They become viewed as "bad." This vicious cycle results in the child being more isolated, depressed and angry.

Finding out what triggers the anger is helpful. Some children are perfectionists. Some feel disconnected from their peers or family. How negative feelings are modeled or tolerated at home is also an influence.

Learning how to identify and use words to express what he really is experiencing - sadness, frustration, anxiety - rather than just reacting can be useful in learning how to cope. When he knows more about what he is feeling he can begin to have better problem-solving strategies. Sometimes recognizing the warning signs, such as body sensations, can help him learn to relax before he reacts.

For helpful information for teachers, parents and children, go to Get Your ANGRIES Out for program activities. Also consider counseling to learn what will best meet the needs of your family.

Q&A with Debra: How do I help my daughter deal with mean girls?

Question:

My second-grader does not want to go to school. She tells me there is a group of girls who constantly tease her and keep her away from her best friend. They tell her best friend not to play with her and make her choose sides. My daughter tells me that these two girls tease her so much that her whole class joins in or laughs at her.

Answer:

It is unacceptable that your daughter does not want to go to school because of peer difficulties. The behavior you described is getting much media attention and is now being labeled as "relational aggression."

Relational aggression is usually used to describe bullying and teasing behavior in female adolescents, but it can and often does begin much earlier. There are many sociological and psychological theories about why this occurs. I think these are valid explanations, but much of this behavior is not a new phenomenon.

Children have a difficult time navigating relationships and often resort to inappropriate conduct to either get their needs met or to obtain control. They are learning how to interact with people who are the same and different from them. Adults need to be good models and teachers for acceptable behavior.

Speak with your daughter's teacher to see how she handles these issues in her classroom. Many things occur on the playground that are not evident in a structured classroom, so make sure the teacher is aware of your daughter's difficulties. There is not a one-time fix for these problems and it is difficult for a child to deal with this on her own.

It is important that the school, parents and students make having good relationships a part of their school community. Ask if there is a school counselor who can introduce a program into the school's curriculum. If not, you may want to engage your PTA into making this issue a priority. A good book for young children, that can easily be adapted into lesson plans, is How to be a Friend by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. For more information on relational aggression read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher and Ruth Ross and Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Tween Who Hates Her School?

Question:

I was wondering if you had any advice for me. My 12-year-old daughter, who is in seventh grade, hates her school and classmates for the most part. We moved to this new school last year and she had a tough time, and this year has not improved. It is an extremely small K-8 school and she has 18 classmates of whom 12 are boys. She was in a school of 150 per grade before. This is a tough age - but her self- esteem is about nil and I have spoken with the school about my concerns. She displays a lot of anger. What can I do? I would like to try transferring but don't know if that is possible. Help!

Answer:

It is not clear if your move was a natural promotion to middle school, or if you moved because your family relocated. The transition to middle school from grade school is hard on many children and if your move includes giving up home, friends and familiar surroundings, the transition can seem very daunting. If this was the case, having her find ways to stay connected to her past, while finding ways to integrate into a new environment, can lessen her loss.

If your daughter did not have a choice in what school she now attends, this could also be problematic. No one likes to feel that they don't have some control over their lives. I think your statements show that you are aware of what some of the potential difficulties are. If all the children in this small K-8 school have been going to school together since kindergarten, it might be difficult to fit in. Their relationships have been established for a long time and this is a sensitive age where "newness" is threatening. The girl-to-boy ratio is also problematic, making her options even fewer.

It is a good idea to broaden a child's social network and activities when they are feeling isolated. However, it would seem due to the size of the school that you would need to seek resources outside the school environment.

School is more than just a place for academic learning; it is also about building social and emotional connections, cooperation and personal growth. It would be important to find out from your daughter what she feels she needs from her school setting to feel successful, and then work with the school to see if assimilation is possible, or determine if perhaps a different school would be a better fit.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Doesn't Like to Read

Question:

My daughter is in the third grade and she does not like to read. I have to really hound her and stay on top of her to read. She will not choose to read on her own. We have started a book club with girls in her class and that went well until everyone finished the book and she is still working on it. I have taken TV away, so she cannot watch it at without reading, but she will find other things to do besides read. I am now getting her eyes checked to make sure she can see Ok. I don't know what else to do. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer:

Do you have a sense of why your daughter doesn't like reading? Is it because she may have vision problems, as you suggest? Do you suspect a reading disability? Does her teacher believe she is reading at grade level? Does she have other learning challenges? Ruling out organic causes and pinpointing any difficulties would be helpful in determining what future actions to take.

A book club is a great idea to make reading fun regardless of skill level. There is a wide range of reading fluency at your daughter's age. Children are beginning to read less word by word and more by phrases or whole sentences. Is her teacher choosing books that are appropriate for the class as a whole? How does the teacher know individual students are finishing and comprehending the book? Note: Third-graders should be able to read independently for about 20 minutes a day if there are no reading difficulties.

Here are some suggestions to improve reading fluency and interest:

    * Make reading pleasurable for your daughter. Taking away TV might backfire and make reading seem like a chore.
    * Set aside a consistent daily reading schedule that includes holidays and summer breaks and at a time of day when your daughter isn't too tired or distracted.
    * Go to the library and let her pick out books that interest her.
    * Take turns reading together and with expression.
    * Make sure your child sees you reading daily.
    * Find other sources to read such as activity books that involve a project with directions. Reading fiction and non-fiction require different skills, so practicing with a variety of reading materials can be helpful, as can teaching strategies for breaking down the tasks into manageable steps.
    * Consult with the school's reading or learning specialist to understand more about the process of reading.
    * Consider having her evaluated for a possible learning disability. If she does have a disability, it's important to identify it and address it by third grade, since reading will become more challenging from that point on.
    * Make sure the books you start with are at her skill level and work up to harder books.