Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: After Five Years in Special Ed, My Child Is Still Behind

Question:

My oldest child has ADHD and dyslexia. He is in fourth grade and repeated first grade. He is behind in all of his classes, in reading the most. I had a meeting with one of his teachers last week and found out that he is still reading at a first-grade level. He has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) and is "labeled" as OHI (other health impaired). I have had many meetings with the school and have been dealing with this for five years. I feel as if he is falling through the system. I have tried everything I can think of to help him. If you know of anything that I might be able to do to help, please let me know.

Answer:

The IEP is structured to prevent children from falling through the cracks. Depending on the severity of your child's impairments, an IEP meeting can be held once or twice a year, or more frequently if his teachers feel this is necessary. The IEP and his classification/diagnosis allows the IEP process to continue throughout his school years. Having the IEP is a wonderful resource for you to have in place, because it holds people accountable.

Unfortunately, some children don't get to this step soon enough. So, even if it doesn't feel like it to you, you've done a lot for him by getting him to qualify for the IEP.

Since you feel he is not making progress, I would take all the treatment plans and goals you signed at his IEP meeting IEPs and go over them to familiarize yourself with what was supposed to be accomplished and in what time frame. If you no longer have copies, the school should be able to provide them. Once you've examined the full scope of all his IEP goals, you can present your specific concerns to your principal. Ask what other services he is eligible for.

If you are still not satisfied, you can contact your school district's special education office and ask how you might file a grievance. Principals, teachers and special education personnel all have different ideas of how to interpret the laws of special education, which makes it difficult for parents to sort out. You may also want to go to the Web site of the National Center for Learning Disabilities. NCLD is an advocacy center for parents, students and educators to better understand how this system works. You are doing the right thing by advocating for your child and staying on top of it.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Afford a Tutor for My Child in Special Ed?

Question:

My son is in special education. I would like for him to have tutoring services, but I cannot afford them. What do you recommend I do, because tutoring would really help him?

Answer:

For the tutoring to be geared to the special education needs of your child, I suggest that you begin with your son's special education teacher or teachers.

They should be able to identify what type of tutoring best meets his needs. Tutoring may need to be specialized depending on his challenges. It is often difficult to find free tutoring, but you may be able to find tutors who work on a sliding scale.

The teachers may be a good resource for you with that as well. You can also try your school district to see if there are after-school programs for which your son is eligible. These programs are not considered day care, but more comprehensive programs that offer tutoring as one of their curriculum options.

Some schools contract with outside agencies that provide these programs free to families who are receiving government assistance or have other financial constraints. The Beacon Center is one such nationwide program that may be in your area. Facilities become qualified as a Beacon Center and are listed independently. You can do an online search for "beacon center" and your city to see if there is a center near you.

You might also try your school counselor or principal for referrals to outside educational centers that may have tutoring at reduced fees. A local university may have college students who tutor children with special needs as part of their curriculum.

I have also known parents of special education students to form parent support groups to share resources and advocate for their children in their schools. Organizing with others may be a good option for both you and your son. This helps everyone feel less isolated and it helps navigate the complex resources with more support.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Shy Son?

Question:

My son plays well with his friends as long as he's with only one or two of them. Once more kids join in - or when I introduce him to my friends - he is really shy. He won't look in their eyes when spoken to and will speak in a very low voice. How can I help him? Are there any activities or places to go where he can learn to socialize successfully in a group?

Answer:

You raise an interesting question. Studies on child development show that there is a different perception about "shy" boys versus "shy" girls. In general, researchers observe that parents and teachers tend to praise boys for being outspoken and girls for being reserved. They note that this adult preference begins in preschool and may continue throughout a child's school years.

Social and cultural expectations can reinforce behaviors that are seen as desirable or undesirable, depending on the complexities of the issues and the individual temperament of the child. If a shy boy feels that others disapprove of his behavior he may become more socially awkward. Over time, this can be difficult for boys and they become more lonely and withdrawn.

To further discern if this is an adult expectation versus his temperament, it would be important to know if it your son sees his behavior as being the problem. Is his shyness apparent in only adult interactions?

How does his teacher view his social skills? Does he participate in class activities and discussions? You mentioned that he does have good peer relations. Some people prefer smaller groups. His behavior may not be an issue for him when everyone is enjoying themselves.

If you feel he is socially awkward, his teacher might provide opportunities to increase his interactions. Many community counseling centers and medical centers offer socialization groups. If you determine what scenarios make him feel anxious, you can help him by providing simple scripts or role playing. It's important to be positive and model good communication skills to avoid stimulating more anxiety. Participating in group activities that challenge and interest him is another way to practice social skills.

For further information: Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect by Adam J. Cox.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Worries That His Friends Don't Like Him

Question:

My first-grader is very sensitive. He's always worried about not having any friends. He has lots of friends in his class. But if they disagree with him or refuse to share, he thinks that they are being rude and that they don't like him any more. The next day or five minutes later everything is fine.

But this worries him. I don't know how to assure him that they like him and just not to worry about this. Help me help him. I don't want him to grow up insecure and just a follower.
Answer:

How wonderful that your son has lots of friends.More often we hear about trends of early aggression in boys, not camaraderie.

Your son is learning about peer relationships. It is difficult to navigate different temperaments and interaction styles. There is bound to be some conflict. It is common for children at his age to feel slighted and then have it blow over in five minutes.

But ask his teacher about his interactions. Teachers usually have a sense of age-appropriate behavior. You can also arrange play dates at home or other non-competitive socialization opportunities for more peer-interaction practice.

It is a natural reaction for a parent to want her child to be happy and successful in his relationships. However, sometimes our own fears about his well being may be misinterpreted by the child. Without knowing all the details, I can only give you what I think may be another contributing factor based on how you worded your question. You stated that your son is "very sensitive" and that you "don't want him to grow up insecure and just a follower." Is it possible that he has misinterpreted your reassurance? He may perceive people disagreeing with him or concerned about him as not liking him. An adult understands that you want your son to be resilient and independent, but a 6-year-old may view this as rejection.

Children at this age think in literal terms. If you think this may be a possibility, you might want to gently explore with him who else he fears may not like him when there are disagreements. Reassuring him about how you feel about him may straighten out any miscommunication and help him relax his concerns about not being likeable.