Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My son wants to be the center of attention

Question:

My son loves to be the center of attention at home but especially at school. In doing so, he misses a lot of the instruction from the teacher and then doesn't know what to do. He laughs at inappropriate times and interrupts a lot. At times he becomes rude and disrespectful when the teacher is talking or giving instructions as he won't stop laughing or talking. What can we do to help stop this behavior? His teacher uses a "time-out" corner or puts him in the hallway when he is being disruptive. But that only works some of the time.

Answer:

You mentioned he loves being the center of attention at home. It's possible that the attention-getting behaviors he learned were cute then, but now get in his way at school.

Children also use those same learned behaviors when they are feeling anxious. For example, once upon a time he did something adorable and you laughed and called in the whole family to witness. He did it again and he got the same result. He begins to learn that that behavior will work in a variety of different circumstances: to distract when he's feeling uncomfortable or soothe when he's wanting connection. In school he is trying what has worked for him in the past. He doesn't have another method.

Children are better at showing us with their behavior what's wrong than by telling us. Make sure that you and the teacher have a clear understanding of what he's trying to achieve. If his acting out is because of learning difficulties then he may need an educational assessment. If he has difficulty with peer relations, he may need opportunities to learn how to get along in group settings.

Time-outs are fine, but nothing works 100 percent of the time. It may help calm him down, or it might reinforce inappropriate ways to connect with the teacher. Give him opportunities to participate and get attention in more positive situations at school and at home by giving him tasks he can easily accomplish. A school counselor might help him identify and tolerate his feelings. This could give him more tools to communicate what may be difficult for him, rather than having to seek attention.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Struggles to Communicate

Question:

My 7-year-old daughter has trouble explaining herself when asked a question. It's like she knows what she wants to say but has trouble expressing it. The only way you can get an answer out of her is by listening to her try to explain it a couple of times and then guessing what she is trying to say. Is there anything I can do to help her, or should she see a speech therapist?

Answer:

I am wondering if your daughter is in first grade at age 7 because of her birthday or other reasons such as school readiness or retention. Her past school performance might be helpful in discussing the direction you want to pursue with her teacher and school administrators.

It sounds as if you have the same difficulty with her at home, since you mentioned that you have to guess what she is trying to communicate. Has this always been the case or is it something recent due to any stress or change in the family? Anxiety or trauma can contribute to poor communication skills.

If she has an expressive language disorder, that means she understands language better than she can communicate. Developmental language disorders, which are the most common, can be found in children of normal intelligence and can be related to another disorder or condition.

It is usually apparent at a young age when language skills are being formed. For example, a 2-year-old might be able to follow easy instructions but not name her body parts. Older children might have problems relaying a story or interacting with their peers. Even if there are organic reasons for poor expressive language skills, the stress of trying to be understood can exacerbate the problem.

It may be useful to have her evaluated by a speech and language therapist. Some schools offer the evaluation after first having a meeting to determine the child's overall needs. A thorough evaluation can help you and the school plan what further services are required to support her.

For more information about speech and language disorders, visit the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association's speech disorders page.

Q&A with Debra: Can I Ease My Child's Performance Anxiety?

Question:

My daughter gets extremely anxious when it comes to performing in front of people. This has affected her ability to perform in the school plays that she has been interested in and to take part in school projects in which she needs to speak in front of the class.

I want to help build her confidence and help her be less anxious. What do you recommend?

Answer:

Many girls at this age begin to report social anxiety, performance fears and fear of rejection. They may have had anxious feelings before, but they were described as "a little shy" rather than "having anxiety." Whether her behavior is isolated to performance, or is more generalized to include poor peer relationships, oversensitivity to criticism and low self-esteem, the treatment is similar.

The tools used for anxiety reduction will be helpful throughout her life. A common approach is to ask a person to notice her body's reactions and then rate the severity of the experience on a scale of one to five. If she can stop and feel her body's response, she can start the process of relaxing, before the anxiety takes over. Children can learn to calm themselves by muscle tightening and relaxing, slow breathing and visualization.

Helping children link their body's sensations to their negative thoughts also helps children slow their automatic reactions down. This process allows them to accept the feelings and begin to replace the scary thoughts with positive coping statements.

A school counselor, child therapist or behavioral pediatrician can help determine the severity of your daughter's anxiety and offer further help and guidance. Two very popular books with practical "how to" information are: Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky and Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald M Rapee, Susan H. Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Ann Wignall.

Q&A with Debra: Does My Child Have Dyslexia?

Question:

I think that my son may have dyslexia. He is in third grade. The school does not acknowledge the word. Can you give me information about dyslexia and how I should go about getting the school to help me?

Answer:

Dyslexia is a disorder many of us have heard of, but it can be confusing as to what it actually is. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke has a very accessible definition:

"Dyslexia is a brain-based type of learning disability that specifically impairs a person's ability to read. These individuals typically read at levels significantly lower than expected despite having normal intelligence. Although the disorder varies from person to person, common characteristics among people with dyslexia have difficulty with phonological processing (the manipulation of sounds) and/ or rapid visual-verbal responding."

This organization is an excellent resource for further explaining the disorder and they reference current government research projects, as well as other organizations of interest. One such organization is The International Dyslexia Association.

The IDA has educational fact sheets with definitions, links to additional resources, information for parents and students, and advocacy and support groups. These sites can help familiarize you with dyslexia and help you advocate more effectively.

It is possible that your school doesn't use the word "dyslexia" for classifying reading disorders. Different school systems may use different criteria and terminology to qualify children for special education services. Some schools may not test until children reach third grade, because some of the characteristics of dyslexia are common in children from kindergarten to grade two, so it's great that you have begun this process now.

Tell his current teacher and your principal, that you would like to know the procedure for evaluating your child for a learning disability. It can be useful to bring samples of his work, which best illustrates his difficulties, to further explain what you are specifically concerned with.