Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My 5-Year-Old's Behavior Is Changing

Question:

Since starting full-day kindergarten, my 5-year-old has had a complete change in her behavior! She was a child I would brag about how blessed I was that she was so easygoing and laid back. I never had to raise my voice or ask her to do something more than once or twice. Well now she is a kid on the edge! She uses words like stupid, dumb, damn, idiot and is more aggressive and full of anger it seems at times. I am at a loss as to why, except for the obvious. I know she is still adjusting to the full-day schedule and I have made some changes in my work. I used to run a full-day, in-home daycare program that she was in with our friend of three years. (You could say they were like siblings.) Now he no longer attends and my daughter only sees the children that are still in care two days a week just two hours each day. I know these are all big changes for a 5-year-old. I guess I just want someone to tell me this is all normal and not to worry. I also want some advice how to discipline as I've never really had to.

Answer:

Yes, it is normal for children to have an adjustment period transitioning from preschool to kindergarten. As a daycare provider, you have undoubtedly witnessed this yourself. In fact, you may have soothed other mothers regarding this issue, but it is different when it is your child. You forget and worry. I'm not clear if you are still running your daycare from home or not. But, even if you have reduced your hours, it would be understandable that your daughter would be angry that her friends get to stay with you and she doesn't.

Her new vocabulary is certainly a concern. Talk with her teacher to find out how your daughter expresses herself during the school day, and how she is handling the use of inappropriate language and behavior in the classroom. Set limits with your daughter's use of "damn," "idiot" and so forth. You may want to encourage her to express her anger more appropriately. Storybooks are great at this age to launch a discussion about feelings and you can use the story to give examples of what behaviors or solutions you do or don't like. Try Mean Soup by Betsy Everitt for expressing anger, and Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes and The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn for school anxiety.

In regards to your discipline question, I imagine you have been disciplining her since she was testing her independence at age 2 or 3. Clearly she knows your limits, and that is why she usually does what she is told the first time. So, although your parenting skills may need to grow and change as she does, give yourself credit for what has worked for you in the past. For additional parenting resources try books by: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott; and Lawrence E. Shapiro, PH.D.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Preschooler Be More Social?

Question:

My 3.5-year-old daughter is talkative, energetic, imaginative and inquisitive at home. However, when she is at preschool, a neighbor's house, a dance class, etc., she is quiet and withdrawn. She prefers to sit and watch or withdraws completely from other people. What can I do to encourage her to interact with others and participate in group activities?

Answer:

Developmentally a 3.5-year-old is usually less interested in isolated play and more interested in group cooperative play. Children at this age typically play in small groups of two or three. At home with the nanny or with you, your daughter can be the focus of attention. No doubt you are more attentive than her peers. Although at this age children can be curious about others, they can also be bossy and exclusionary, and she might need time to adjust.

A regular schedule at her school can give her routine and structure. Ask the teacher to introduce her to one child who has a similar temperament or who your daughter has shown a previous interest in. The teacher can play with them for a short time and then leave them to play. Three-and-a-half-year-olds in a preschool setting will typically play with one or two children at a time and then leave that group and join another.

Preschoolers' play may be lively, but it is short in duration, and they can become easily fatigued or bored. Low frustration tolerance and a short attention span can make for frequent disagreements. The teacher can help redirect the children to new activities and play partners when they are having difficulty transitioning on their own.

If your daughter talks frequently about one of her classmates, you can try an at-home playdate. This gives you an opportunity to see how she interacts and provide appropriate guidance and support when needed. It is possible that her dance class is too overwhelming, and you might want to try it again after she has gained more social skills.

Q&A with Debra: My Granddaughter Doesn't Test Well

Question:

I have a granddaughter in the fourth grade. Her parents help her every day with her homework. She can tell the correct answers and does quite well. At school when given a test on the same subjects, she will receive a C, a D or an F. We have talked to the teacher, but all she says is that they will keep her back in the fourth grade next year. We do not know what to do. We have had her tested and all is OK. So where do we go from here? Can you give advice?

Answer:

I would like to address the issue of retention first. Retention, especially in the higher grades, is usually considered only after a variety of factors have been explored and weighed as either supportive or detrimental to a student's individual needs. Schools consider standardized test scores, behavioral and emotional issues, the results of psycho-educational tests, and overall school performance history; not just how well children do on their individual subject tests.

Your granddaughter's parents may want to have a meeting with the teacher, principal and special education team to determine your granddaughter's needs. The Department of Education in California calls this meeting a Student Success Team (SST) meeting, but many states have a similar procedure of early intervention to determine how best to help students. This would be very important to weigh all the options before retention occurs.

Poor classroom testing is usually considered "test anxiety," which is a form of performance anxiety and needs to be addressed as a separate issue. Test anxiety usually gets reinforced when the child has had a bad test experience and fears that this will happen again. The anxiety caused by repetitive fearful thoughts, and/ or by the physical reactions such as pounding heart, rapid breathing, sweating, shaking and nausea, can be very intense and makes concentration very difficult. A school counselor or child therapist can give your granddaughter tools to help lower and control her anxiety. Tools such as visualization, deep breathing and positive self-talk are useful for a variety of situations, not just testing, and can become a part of good self-care.

Family anxiety naturally increases when you see a loved one struggle. Sometimes in our effort to be helpful, we can inadvertently add more pressure, so collaboration with the counselor can be a wonderful way to manage everyone's stress.

Q&A with Debra: Is My Child Being Bullied?

Question:

My fourth-grade daughter has done well in school until the past few weeks. She is very bright, imaginative, curious and sloppy. She copies homework from a blackboard, but always forgets one out of every four assignments. The teacher also says that her attention wanders and she does not focus. My daughter's response is, "The girl in front of me always turns around and kicks me; the class is boring; some of the other children are not smart."

When my ex-wife and I spoke to her teacher, the teacher said that she had some "special" students that she needed to concentrate on and she could not afford to give our daughter special attention. The teacher would not move her away from the girl distracting and kicking my daughter because this was between them and she should settle her own problems. I believe there is a problem here that would be helped by changing classes. Can you give me your opinion?

Answer:

I would like to congratulate you and your ex-wife for both speaking with the teacher. Co-parenting is good modeling for showing your daughter how people can work together even though there are difficulties.

I do think there are things you need to consider before requesting a new class. The problem will follow her if the root is not fully explored. First and foremost, is this a safety issue? Does the teacher say that there is equal provocation, or is it one-sided?

Are these behaviors happening with other peers, or just between the two of them? Has the teacher rotated seat assignments? Some teachers do this regularly as part of their classroom management. What is the schools policy on bullying? If you have safety concerns and are not satisfied that the issue is being addressed, discuss it with the principal.

You may also want to explore how you feel your family has adjusted to the divorce. How parents continue to parent and interact is the key to lowering a child's anxiety. If the divorce was recent, then there may be a long adjustment period for all of you. If it happened years ago, you may want to re-visit your agreements to see if they meet everyone's current needs. What other changes may have recently occurred? Have there been moves or other environmental changes that have changed your routines? Do you or your ex-wife have a new partner?

New relationships are difficult for children to adjust to. Sometimes even if the parents feel that things are going well, some children have longer adjustment periods and are more reactive to changes in their environment post divorce.

Having a better understanding of the underlying issues can help you and your ex-wife plan an effective course of action.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Fifth-Grader Make a Smooth Transition?

Question:

We are moving to a new city in the fall due to my work, and I am concerned about the transition for my daughter. She has a solid group of friends here and she likes her school. Do you have any suggestions to make the transition easy on her?

Answer:

Your question shows that you understand that this will be difficult for her. Even though she may be upset with you for moving, your acknowledgment that this is a loss and that you want to ease the transition will be of comfort to her.

We can be more resilient when we are allowed to grieve first. Having a going-away party can help her honor her relationships with a formal good-bye. You can also make arrangements for how she can stay in touch. If she won't be graduating with her current class next year, you might want to plan for her to attend their graduation. She may not want to when the time comes, but for now it might be helpful for her to know that that is available.

You can guide her toward the future by getting more information. If she will be entering fifth grade at the new school, see if you can take her to tour the school before the school year ends. Meeting fourth-graders and the teachers now might be easier than meeting them in the fall. If she is starting middle school, many schools have sixth-grade orientation that you both can attend. Ask what extracurricular activities are available at the new school and in the community, and make contact with the coordinators so that your daughter knows what will be available.

It may be a wonderful time to try something new. Involvement in outside interests also expands her opportunities for a broader social network. A family discussion about what will be the same and different for each of you can foster compassion for each other and help everyone feel less isolated and in this adventure together.