Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Son Adjust to Our Move?

Question:

Our third-grader is having a great deal of trouble adjusting to our recent move. We left a home where he had always lived and moved to a neighboring state when my husband took a new job. He is having a very hard time adjusting and has not had much success making friends at the new school.

He says he loves his teacher and likes the school. But now he doesn't want to go. He looks for reasons to stay home and avoid it all together.

He has always done very well in school, and his old school was going to test him for its gifted program. He has never enjoyed team activities, and sports are of no interest. We have put him in the school's Cub Scout pack. He avoids interaction with the kids and stays close to his dad or me during the meetings. He has never been real social, but things are much worse here. Any ideas on what we can do to help him?

Answer:

Generally children adjust better when given as much preparation as possible, especially those who are more introverted, which may be your son's issue. In the future, introducing him to the new environments, before a move, might be helpful. Even if you may have done that, some children are worriers or slow to adjust.

Avoid the urge to make him feel better by overemphasizing how great the move is. Let him explore his sad feelings. He can honor his past by writing a story, drawing pictures or making a scrapbook with all of his familiar places. You can begin to explore his current situation by helping him determine what is "the same and different" about his life now. Because he is afraid, he may not recognize the ways in which his new life is similar to his old one. Discovering those similarities may be comforting.

You say, "He loves his teacher and likes his school." What about her and the school does he like? What things doesn't he like? What are some possible solutions? If he has trouble developing peer relationships, see if the teacher can assign him a "classroom buddy." He may be better able to tolerate the support from one child rather than a group. Ask the teacher for ideas and make sure he is academically stimulated.

It is tempting, when you see your son's unhappiness, to let him stay home from school. But this just reinforces his difficulties and delays his ability to learn coping skills. Explore whether your son is concerned about being away from you and your husband while he's at school. New home life situations can trigger feelings of being unsafe.

A school counselor might also be able to offer some guidance and community resources.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Is Disruptive in Class

Question:

Over the last two years my 8-year-old son has had a problem with distracting others in class by tapping his pencils, playing with supplies in his desk and basically fidgeting in his seat. My son is older and larger than his classmates. We've had him tested and he does not have AD/HD, however at times he gets very hyperactive and fidgety. He gets excellent grades, is very athletic and is very hands on.

By the end of the school year he ends up sitting off to the side in his desk by himself. Sometimes it seems to me that he can't handle the whole school year, because he seems to be tired, really emotional and gets into trouble by the end of the year.

What can I do to break his habit of being disruptive in the classroom? I've tried a stress ball, but he got in trouble for using it.

Answer:

Your description of your son makes me believe that he may be a kinesthetic learner. Children, who are kinesthetic, learn best through physical involvement. They do well in small group discussions, at live events with hands-on demonstrations, and enjoy field trips. They are more comfortable working in short blocks of time, rather than studying for extended periods. They need frequent breaks. They sometimes have difficulty expressing emotion without using physical gestures or touching the person they're interacting with.

If he is a kinesthetic learner, it would make sense that by the end of the year he is exhausted trying "to hold it together." It would be important to ask his teacher what he understands about learning styles. If the teacher is unfamiliar with how to integrate different learning styles into the classroom, go to the Learning Resource Specialist, Principal, School Psychologist or School Counselor for help on determining if this is the underlying cause of his stress. Once the underlying cause is determined, the teacher can work on how best to structure your son's school day.

Don't abandon the idea of a stress ball, as it is a recommended intervention for children who are either kinesthetic learners, have AD/HD or demonstrate anxiety. What is missing is a better understanding of the nature of his challenges and a thorough plan that helps you, your son, and his teacher, address his needs.

A resource for this learning style: Learning on Their Feet: A Sourcebook for Kinesthetic Learning Across the Curriculum K- 8, by Carol Glynn

Q&A with Debra: Help! Writing is Torture

Question:

I have a very intelligent third-grader. He takes an advanced curriculum and does very well on his tests. However, my husband and I do most of the organizing for him, review his assignments and ensure his work is done. The math, science and reading doesn't seem to be so bad. The writing however is torture. He has reward charts and consequences for his writing being completed, and we are for at least now requiring he complete a minimum of two paragraphs in school. He is the first of three and is wearing us down.

What can we do to help him? How much can he help himself? It is almost like he has no work ethic. How much should we push him?

Answer:

I would like to start with your statement, "It is almost like he has no work ethic." Your son is doing well in math, science, reading and testing. Since you mention that he works within an "advanced curriculum," I'm assuming that he performs above grade level. It is important to look at his overall accomplishments.

A third-grader is just learning how to put his thoughts together in order to construct a simple paragraph. Things such as topic sentences, sequence of events, punctuation and so forth, are more difficult when you have to write them yourself. Writing is a complex series of events, and the blank page can be daunting.

His teacher may know if he needs help with concepts, or if he just needs more experience at writing. A child may not develop at the same rate in all areas. Some tasks just need the benefit of time and practice before they are integrated.

I have worked with many children where the real problem was writing in cursive. Their fine motor skills were delayed and by the time they struggled to physically write, they had lost their train of thought. His teacher will be able to help you determine that.

Lastly, homework teaches children organization skills and responsibility. Let him do it first and then go over it with him. It is a fine balance between stimulating your child's growth and "pushing." If you are having power struggles, it seems that you are leaning in the direction of pushing, which can result in your son losing his enthusiasm for school.

Q&A with Debra: My Seventh-Grader Is Worried About Bullying

Question:

How do you handle returning to school after summer vacation when there was bullying (also called "hazing" nowadays) the previous year? How should this be handled if your seventh-grader never mentioned it when he was new in the previous year? But suddenly he shows fear and says he doesn't want to return after the summer vacation for fear it will recur?

Answer:

It is frustrating to find things out after they occurred. No matter how good your communication with your son may be, he may have felt either that he could handle it, or was embarrassed that he could not. Boys sometimes have a harder time admitting to parents that they are being bullied. They feel like a crybaby if they go to their parents and they also fear retaliation from the perpetrators.

The important thing is that your son is coming to you now. Be proud of him for trying to cope and give him positive feedback for trusting you for support. Often, if you ignore bullying behavior, it has a tendency to become more serious, so it is wise to take action. Assure him that the only way to stop bullying is to have parents and school authorities intervene.

Bullying is often defined as intimidating behavior and can involve physical, verbal, or Internet (cyber bullying) incidents. Because school bullying has become a complex legal and social issue, you will need to do some fact gathering and research.

First find out all the details of the events from your son, including his response to the perpetrators. Many consequences are based on specific behaviors, so the details are important. Next contact your school principal and school district to find out about their policy and what procedures you need to follow to issue a complaint. You'll want to do this before school starts if possible, so that your son has a safety plan in place. Missing school will only complicate your son's difficulties.

I'm glad you used the word "hazing" because that activity is usually associated with group initiations and is often mistakenly thought of as a harmless tradition. Stophazing.org defines it as, "… any activity expected of someone joining a group (or to maintain full status in a group) that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm…"

Whatever terms we use, children need to feel safe at school and require adults to help achieve that. Additional resources to guide you National Youth Violence Preventionand Stop Bullying Now offers advice for teens. Your state Attorney General's office may also be a resource for state programs and guidelines.