Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Help My Tween Who Clashes With His Teacher?

Question:

My son, who is a seventh-grader, is having problems in his math class. I know he doesn't understand some of the material. He also clashes with his math teacher. I have met with her. My son says she is mean and makes fun of students, and I know she has made one of his friends cry by making a very insensitive comment to him in front of the whole class. She does however try to keep on top of him and checks in with me which I like because I normally keep tabs on how my son is doing in all his classes. I have always done this. The problem remains though. How do we sort out the personality clash from his academic struggles and address both issues? What should I do?

Answer:

This is often a difficult issue. Your acceptance of this complexity will help you gain clarity. You know your son is having difficulties in math, so is he projecting his frustration on to the teacher? Some questions to ask yourself might be: Do you feel that his accusations are credible? Have you had any negative interactions with her?

Some teachers have difficulty with classroom management. While there is no excuse for shaming children, there may be more to the story. It sounds like you have a good rapport with her. She has been cooperative with your requests, and keeps you informed of his progress. It might be helpful to inquire about your son's classroom behavior to help assess their relationship and to offer support. If after you explore the situation, you feel the teacher's behavior is inappropriate, you can ask for a meeting with the principal.

It is important not to jeopardize your relationship with your son. It is good that he can come to you with his concerns. You will want to keep that open communication without buying into his possible "blame game."

All of us need to learn how to tolerate frustration, accept personal responsibility and deal with difficult people. One way to help him with this is to encourage him to express his feelings that are independent of another's actions. For example, "I don't understand the math assignment and it makes me feel …"You can also work with him to obtain more autonomy and personal responsibility for his school work by encouraging him to create his own plan for achievement. It is good to check in with teachers, but he also needs to learn how to problem-solve and take ownership of his behavior. When we are feeling good about ourselves, it can be easier to tolerate difficult people and realize our part of the problem and solution.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Teach My Stubborn Child?

Question:

My daughter is very bright and intelligent, but she is so stubborn. She knows some of her letters and numbers, and she knows how to spell her first name, but I've been trying to get her to sit down with me and learn other things that she will learn about in school. For instance, her address, phone number, spelling her last name and learning how to write her first name straight and not having the letters spread out all over the paper.

I tell her "You're going to need to practice things like this because your teacher is going to ask you to do these things." The answer I get is "I'll do it for my teacher; I just don't want to do it for you." Am I being unreasonable here? Do I need to just respect that answer? Am I expecting too much from her? I was a kindergarten teacher for about five years, and while I was teaching half of the class would know their letters and half wouldn't. My thinking was if the parents could spend more time teaching their children, then they might do better. I guess I don't want her teacher thinking that I'm a slacker parent. I'm very involved in what she does and what she learns. I want her to excel in school and not be perfect but I do want her to try and not be so stubborn.

Answer:

As a former kindergarten teacher, you realize that there is a wide range of readiness that can influence how a child begins to view school. By preparing her, you hope to make her first school year easier and positive. That is not unreasonable. However, I believe if we examine the questions you put forth and your daughter's subsequent reactions, we might find that there is an over emphasis on what "people might think." You state, "...I guess I don't want her teacher thinking that I'm a slacker parent." This concern puts undue pressure on you as a parent and a teacher. Telling your daughter, "You're going to need to practice things… because your teacher is going to…," may be too future-directed. It doesn't allow your daughter to form her own relationship with the teacher as it occurs.

Her response, "I'll do it for my teacher, I just won't do it for you," may not be about her being stubborn. It could be a clue that she is expressing the anxiety that both of you are feeling about her starting kindergarten.

You have the advantage of knowing how to make learning fun and interesting. Relax into that knowledge. Activities such as playing school together and asking her to be the teacher, may also give you ideas on how she may be feeling. Create a list together of her strengths and what she already knows. Model your enthusiasm for learning, rather than performance and outcome and she will be more likely to learn the skills she needs and lessen her power struggle with you.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Help My Child Focus?

Question:

I have a kindergartner who has become less focused. The teacher and I have been talking frequently, and I talk with him. But his behavior is actually getting worse. He is just being silly and frequently he gets way off track. Even when he is at home, I give him three things to focus on and do, and he can barely do it.

I don't believe he knows what he is doing wrong because when we talk or I yell, he just changes the subject as if he didn't hear or his eyes just fill up with tears. We have tried taking away toys, but he just continues. I thought about doing a reward chart, but I don't think it will help at this point. What can I do to help him? Could it be something we are doing at home that is causing this?

Answer:

You are probably correct in assuming your son doesn't know specifically what he's doing wrong and how to correct it. When adults get frustrated they tend to yell, lecture or give rapid instructions. Your son is showing you that he is confused and overwhelmed by changing the subject or getting teary, which is an age-appropriate response. Acting silly can also be an indication that he doesn't understand or is unable to perform the task at hand.

If there have been no major stressful changes in your household recently, you may want to ask the teacher if she thinks he was ready for kindergarten. He might not have the academic skills and emotional maturity to be successful. Explore with the teacher whether your child might benefit from an extra year of kindergarten or extra help with academics.

You might want to reconsider the reward chart. Children learn better when positive rather than negative feelings are evoked. The teacher may have some good methods, because most classroom management uses some variation of reward incentives.

I'm not sure if the three things you are having him focus on are behaviors you want him to change, tasks you want him to complete, or new academic skills he needs to practice. Frustrated parents can sound like this: "Johnny stop being silly. Go do your homework. Wait! Pick up your back pack! Don't drop things on the floor. How many times have I told you ..." If you are doing some version of this, try keeping the instructions separate and as emotionally neutral as possible.

Break things down one task and one step at a time before moving on. This will reduce your anxiety and his. Although it will be tedious in the beginning, it allows him to begin mastering following instructions.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Performs Well Only for Some Teachers

Question:

I am having this problem with my son. He is performing with some teachers and not at all well with some. He used to be an excellent student in elementary school but I see his interest in school waning in middle school and it worries me a bit because I know his capabilities. I am not sure how supportive some of his teachers are. Just today I was telling his teacher that in the past he did not want to leave the house unless all homework was done. Now he doesn't seem to care much. I know he is growing and developing but I am not sure what is happening to him to change his work habits that much. I am trying to be as supportive to him as much as possible until he grows out of this phase.

Answer:

Your son's decline in school performance may be for a variety of reasons. Some adolescents find it difficult to make the transition from elementary to middle school because the class sizes are bigger, they now have more than one teacher, they no longer get as much individual attention, and they need to be self motivated. That is a lot of change. These conditions can be more troubling for a student who may find himself faced with new academic challenges and increased school work. Often students don't know how, or are too embarrassed, to ask for help.

Reinforce what good work habits he has had in the past, but know that now he may need to develop new skills to get everything done. Ask him what ideas he may have to help himself. It may be necessary to break this down into smaller steps, such as clarifying the problem and then identifying where or to whom he needs to go to for help. It is OK to invite kids to complain about their teachers. Sometimes it is safer to blame others than feel like you don't know something. But later brainstorm what he needs to do to feel successful. Sometimes that may mean you have to do well even if you don't like the teacher or the subject. Your son may also be struggling with new peer relationships, which can also be a distraction. Offer him options to experiment with non-school related activities, to broaden his interests and to provide other opportunities for friendships. You might want to talk with the school counselor to see if the school offers life or study skills classes.

Adolescence is a time of learning about the adult world, which can be more unpredictable than childhood. It is great that you are there supporting him on his new adventure.