Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Child Bites Her Fingers

Question:

I have a fifth-grade daughter who recently turned 10 and who bites the skin off the tip of her fingers when she is nervous. I noticed this behavior earlier this year after a transition to a new school. I spoke with her about it and discovered she was having difficulty adapting to the new school, the teacher and making new friends. I monitored the situation for a while, and I spoke with her teacher about it. I bought her a series of books on self esteem, etc., and it seemed to help her so she stopped. Over the summer she was fine.

I recently noticed her fingers and saw they were red and raw. When I asked her about it, she was embarrassed and did not want to talk about it. Last week I had a parent-teacher conference and her teacher had nothing but good things to say about her and her work.

I spoke to my daughter about it later on and she told me she bites her finger tips during chorus. She said her chorus teacher yells a lot and this gets her nervous. She has chorus twice a week. This is a new teacher at the school. I told my daughter I will call and speak to the teacher about it, but frankly, I don't know where to begin. Could you give me some pointers?

Answer:

Talking to both your daughter and her teachers was a very good start. You want to gather as much information as possible to understand how your daughter copes with her anxiety. From your account, after she adjusted to her new school, she stopped biting her fingers. Then she began again when she was confronted with a new stressor; the yelling chorus teacher. It looks like a pattern is forming. When your daughter is anxious she relieves her stress by biting her finger tips. As you are aware, this is not an effective coping strategy and if left untreated, could lead to even more serious self-injurious behaviors.

You mentioned that you had her read self-esteem books. I think it is important to look at all the factors that contribute to self-esteem. We are complex beings that respond to life depending on a variety of factors of both nature and nurture. It is possible that your daughter is more susceptible to anxiety, but that does not necessarily mean she doesn't feel good about herself. What could affect her esteem is her embarrassment over her compulsive behavior.

This is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have different coping styles. It would be important to seek out professional treatment to help your daughter better understand her anxiety. A behavioral pediatrician, licensed psychologist or child therapist can help your daughter learn better coping skills. Make sure the professional has training in anxiety/compulsive disorders.

Lastly, I would encourage you not to wait and see if it goes away again. You are correct in being concerned and the sooner your daughter learns to manage her anxiety, the better she will be prepared for life's many challenges.

Q&A with Debra: My Third-Grader Won't Take Care of His Pet

Question:

My third-grade son has a pet rabbit that he claims to love dearly. However, his efforts to take care for his pet are minimal. We struggle daily to get him to feed and exercise the rabbit (before and after school). Have we made a mistake giving him a pet at this age? Should he be able to handle the responsibility without constant reminders? If I say we will give the rabbit away, he gets upset.

Answer:

I'm sure that your son "dearly loves" his rabbit. A third grader is capable of taking care of pets. However, that's still a young age to expect him to do it without prompting. Threatening to remove the pet is not the most effective way to teach responsibility. It might create bad feelings for everyone.

Make sure that your son is able to accomplish his pet care duties. Does he have enough time in the morning to feed the rabbit? If mornings are stressful, what could you do the night before to make things run more smoothly in the morning? When he comes home, in what order do things need to be done? Organizational skills are learned and practiced, they are not inherent. Have him break down the chores into manageable steps. Have him create a "chore board" and hang it where it's easy to see as a visual reminder and to reinforce the chore management process.

I know a fourth-grade teacher who is a master at teaching routines. He brakes down each routine into small tasks. Students rotate through various "monitor" positions that help ensure the success of these routines. He stands in the front of the class and quietly gives verbal prompts that outline the order of the steps. It took a few months of practice, but eventually his students got it. However, he did have to use verbal reminders on and off throughout the year, but it was always delivered in a neutral tone and, for those who struggled, he consistently gave them the verbal or visual prompts they needed.

You might try this same approach at home. The key is to practice and to outline manageable steps.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Teach My Child to Say "No"?

Question:

My daughter doesn't like to tell her best friend "no" when he asks her to do something - even if she doesn't want to do it. How can I teach her it is okay to say "no" and express her feelings without fear of losing the friendship?

Answer:

Developmentally, fourth-graders are becoming more competitive, and they need to improve their communication skills and learn how to determine "safe" choices in their relationships. Fourth-graders often develop new friendships as a part of learning these new relationship skills. Your daughter may have some friends that no longer share her interests and may need to socialize with a different group. Changing friendships may be appropriate.

There is no substitute for actually saying, "No," discovering how the other person responds, and learning how to handle his response. You may improve, or change, some of your friendships. Here are some ideas to try:

    * What does she want to say "no" to? Can she offer an alternative for the activity her friend suggests? Can they take turns deciding how to spend their time together?
    * If saying "no" provokes bullying or unsafe behavior by her friend, have her ask for support from adults at school and from you.
    * Have her practice saying "no" appropriately in other areas of her life, including her relationship with you. If you respond to her "no" in a reasonable way, she'll gain more confidence.
    * Model respectful communication and negotiation skills with her.
    * Find out if her school offers workshops or counseling about friendships and conflict resolution. If not, suggest it.

Q&A with Debra: How do I stop my child from teasing other kids?

Question:

How do I stop my third-grade son from teasing and bothering others at the school bus stop?

Answer:

Good for you for taking this seriously. Too often adults view this behavior as normal child behavior and minimize the impact it has on everyone.

Literature on teasing asks adults to recognize the distinction between "friendly teasing" and bullying. Friendly teasing is often described as playful exchanges that involve equitable participation. Bullying is when there is a power differential between the participants. The recipients of bullying find such interactions to be intrusive, offensive, shaming, degrading, or intimidating. This can escalate to include physical altercations.

In order to help your child find other ways to relate to others, it's important that you uncover what he's trying to accomplish through this behavior. Does he feel left out? Powerless? Is teasing a communication style he learned from family, or in his neighborhood? Does he have developmental challenges that make it difficult for him to read social cues or to comprehend the impact of his actions? Once you understand and can empathize with the underlying cause, you can help him learn new behaviors.

Empathy does not mean that you are condoning the behavior, or that you will not set consequences; it means that through your own reaction, you can demonstrate appropriate behavior. Helping your child through role-playing and problem- solving activities are other ways to teach social skills. Limit exposure to negative T.V. programs that portray teasing as an acceptable form of communication. Or, watch those programs together and discuss what you see

If this occurs only at the bus stop, it may be that he realizes there is no adult supervision on the scene. You might want to alert the bus driver and ask school staff to provide more supervision. School-wide behavioral plans and programs can help all students improve their social skills. Explore the options with your principal. Educational Equity Center and National Crime Prevention Council are some resources to get you started.