Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Sixth-Grader Won't Do His Work

Question:

I have a question or concern with my son, who is in the sixth grade. Lately he has been unable to do his school work. He chooses not to do it. He constantly has to have someone standing over him to do his work. If no one is there, he will not do anything. It has become a problem and the teachers are informing me all the time of this situation.

He is really good in reading and spelling. He is in the top 10 students in the school district with reading, with a total of 600 students. He does not want to study for his quizzes, spelling and so forth. When the testing comes around, he aces all of them. The students are puzzled and they ask, "How does he do it, he does not even do his work, or study?" The other thing is, my son will talk forever but when he is told to write it down, he won't. How do I deal with this? Help!

Answer:

There is much written about students who are "underachievers." In a recent study by Dr. Jeffrey Johnson at Columbia University; excessive television viewing was considered a major contributing factor. He reported that, "Television viewing time...was associated with elevated risk for subsequent frequent attention difficulties, frequent failure to complete homework assignments, frequent boredom at school, failure to complete high school, poor grades, negative attitudes about school..." These difficulties are sometimes seen in younger children but seem to be more prevalent in teens. That could be because there are additional contributing factors influencing their behavior.

When looking for "causes," try to eliminate the obvious stressors. A counselor specializing in teens or a behavioral pediatrician can help. They may look at everything from needing a new eyeglass prescription to adolescent depression and substance abuse. Ask yourself about other distractions such as major changes in the family (i.e., death, divorce, illness).

For some students it is simply a difficult transition from the protective environment of grade school to the new demands of middle school. Since he "will talk forever," take advantage of this strength and explore what may be difficult for him in sixth grade. He may be thinking, "Why do your homework or study when you're acing your tests?" You may want to work with his teachers to see if he needs more intellectual challenges. Writing involves a whole different set of skills than verbal communication and it would be important to review his school history to know what, if any, past challenges he has had in that area before determining strategies. Help support him in finding out what his interests are. If he is passionate about something and can find peers that share those same interests, the mundane (i.e., homework) can become less problematic.

Q&A with Debra: My child is too talkative

Question:

My kindergartner is talkative and rarely quiet. She wants to talk while dressing, eating and brushing her teeth. She is also talkative at school. The teacher thinks it's cute because she is a good student. However it is a problem because she needs to know that it is not OK to talk all the time. We have set up a system at school and home where we remind her to have her ears open and mouth closed.

At home she will disregard my statements about it not being time to talk. If I stop doing everything and say, "Now let's talk," she has nothing to say. It's driving me and her father bonkers. She is an only child. Could this have something to do with it? Any suggestions on how I can help her to be less talkative would be greatly appreciated.

Answer:

From your description, I envision a relaxed, talkative child who is enthusiastic about her experiences. Five-year-olds typically enjoy conversing. They are interested in language and ask a lot of questions.

I think you and your husband taught her the power of communication. She clearly feels heard and understood and, because she is only five, thinks that everyone will respond to her as you both have. As you observed, she is no longer the only child and now needs to learn to delay gratification. You want her to understand the concept of waiting and appropriate timing without shaming her or making her anxious. I have seen children go from being chatty to becoming anxious and withdrawn.

Perhaps rather than “ears open and mouth closed,”i t might be better to say, “It is time to wait and listen.” When she has stopped to listen, guide her to reflect on what was said. After repeating what was said, she can then add her thoughts. Her teacher can also encourage this give-and-take as a way to teach conversation skills and slow down the process. Some teachers use a “talking stick.” The child with the stick is the only one who can speak.

At home she is not used to “Now let’s talk.” She probably feels more self-conscious and has forgotten what she was about to say. If you want to introduce this concept, try creating a special sharing time at home. Dinner is a natural time to attempt this, and you can each take turns going first. It might be awkward in the beginning, but she’ll get better at it. Give her other opportunities to talk such as reading out loud. I imagine there will be a time when you look back on this period fondly — perhaps when she is an adolescent.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Stop My Son's Hitting?

Question:

My 5-year-old son has had the principal and teacher calling for the past four days. He is hitting other students. Today he hit the teacher. This has become so constant that we are meeting with the teacher for the second time in two weeks. Could you explain what it could be?

We are a very loving family. He has a new little sister who is 9 months old and actively crawling. He has somewhat of a routine in the evening with homework and shower, etc. We don't know what to do or what the cause may be. Please give us some insight to what we could do to help him get over this.

Answer:

There are many things that contribute to aggressive behavior in children. I assume by your comment, "We are a very loving family," that you do not tolerate hitting in your home. Home structure (routines), discipline methods, family relationships and school history, are some of the factors that can influence a child's behavior at school. Having a full understanding of your son's preschool and behavior history will be helpful in your discussions with his teacher and principal.

Kindergarten is a major transition both socially and academically. For some young children, who have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings and frustrations, hitting becomes a way to let people know they are in trouble.

He may be frustrated if he doesn't fully understand what is required of him. We sometimes assume that children know, but that is not always true. Understanding what he's struggling with can help you and the school strategize better solutions.

To make teacher meetings more productive you might ask questions such as:

    * What behavior patterns is she noticing?
    * Does he hit only some children?
    * Does he do it during certain activities or times of day?
    * Is she able to notice certain triggers for the outbursts and intervene before he escalates, or is it sporadic and unpredictable?
    * How is he doing overall academically and behaviorally?
    * Does he understand the routines of the classroom?

A school counselor, social skills group or child therapist can help your son to identify and express his feelings more appropriately. You can also model feelings at home for him by using such phrases as, "I am happy when…" "I am mad that my sister…". Children's books such as "Dr. Seuss's: My Many Colored Days," demonstrate different emotional states and can be a fun way to introduce a feeling vocabulary, so that subsequent coping methods can be explored.

Marin Family Counseling by Debra Collins MFT

  Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist, providing counseling and therapy services for families,children, and adults in Marin County, California and has been in private practice throughout the Bay Area for over ten years. For more information about Debra.

Q&A with Debra: What is Causing a Change in My Child's Sleep Pattern and Behavior?

Question:

My first-grader got off to a great start this year and seems really "in sync" with her teacher. However, over the past week I've noticed a change in her sleeping pattern. She has been waking up within an hour of going to bed and then seeks out her dad and me.

Then, last Friday, we got a call from the school health office that she came in and told the nurse she wasn't feeling well and felt nauseous. My husband left work early to pick her up. However, once she was home, she had no sign of illness and was very happy and interactive through the dinner hour and into the evening.

A week later we got another call from the nurse that our daughter had a stomach ache and wanted to go home. She told the school staff that I was at home (which was not the case) and that she wanted me to pick her up. I spoke with the Dean of Students who reports that our daughter just seems to want to go home.

We cannot pinpoint any cause for this behavior change. Any ideas of what could be causing these sudden changes in her sleep pattern and her behavior at school?

Answer:

There may be two different issues here. Some researchers now wonder if symptoms of anxiety and depression, in both children and adults, are in some cases caused by a sleep disorder.

Sleep specialists look at bedtime routines. Has your daughter's routine changed? Has your family's dinner time or bedtime schedule changed? Is her bedtime consistent? Is she still using comfort measures, such as a stuffed toy or night light?

It's important to develop consistent bedtime routines and make sure she goes back to her own bed upon waking. Being allowed to "hang out" with you when she gets out of bed would reinforce her behavior.

You may want to ask your pediatrician to evaluate your daughter for any medical causes of sleep disturbance.

If children refuse to go to school or develop physical symptoms (most frequent are stomach and headaches) after being at school, it is often thought to indicate separation anxiety. The most common ages for this are 5-7 and again at 11-14. These are times when adapting to school pressures can be difficult for some children. These separations are not so much about being at school, but about being away from the safety of parents and the home environment. Talking to you child may shine some light on the subject.

Although you can't pinpoint anything, the most common triggers are:

    * Getting accustomed to uninterrupted time with a parent at home after being sick or on vacation.
    * The deaths of family members or pets.
    * Moving or a changes in parents' schedules or routines.