Marin Family Counseling

Too scary?- part 2

You did "all the right things" to minimize the risk that your child will not  have nightmares from October till  June. You read the previous post and took the suggestions into consideration.You talked with your child, you avoided anything you deemed,or they told you, was  too scary. You even encouraged them to pick a positive or neutral  costume  for Halloween.  And you generously allowed  them to practice wearing that costume in the house for the past three weeks.

 But what you didn't count on was their older cousin scaring them by wearing a  bloody mask over to your home, or the babysitter letting them watch a slasher film, or the tree branch rubbing against  their window all night long.  Now what?

 If your child gets scared, and they will even with all your best intentions, by either something seemingly benign like the toilet flushing, or some exposure to a scary experience that was not predictable, then here are some things to try.

 It is helpful to consider the developmental age of the child when seeking ways to help them soothe themselves.

• Younger children can be helped by using practical strategies such as using a nightlight, leaving  their bedroom door open,  listening to soothing music or cuddling their favorite comfort object. Let them know that you agree that their experience was scary, but that they are safe now and help them identify all  the ways that they are safe.

 With children around ages 7 to 11 you can use some of the same strategies as you would use with  younger children, and also  encourage a  discussion about what happened and elicit their own suggestions of how they might want to help themselves. Children who are having bad dreams can be encouraged to draw the dream and then draw a solution to the scary incident. Some children find making a dream catcher helpful, or telling the person that scared them that they didn't like it. 

 With older adolescents you  might want to avoid, " I told you so."  Watching scary films and then having nightmares, or going to the haunted house and being miserable and terrified, is about having natural consequences. Empathy,  humor ( if they can tolerate it)  and helping them discuss how they want to take  care of themselves, might be a better approach.

If you are in the mood to be scared, check out "13 Weird  ( And Adorable) Halloween Costumes for Kids!" by Alex Leo in the Huffington Post."       For some parents this might be examples of "what not to wear"and for others...

 

How to know if something is too scary for your child

Halloween is upon us and parents often struggle with how to decide if something is too scary for their child. It is not just what costume to wear, but the whole experience of  trick- or- treating. Your precious princess might come face to face with a bloody axe murderer and the whole evening literally becomes a nightmare until January.

 This issue comes up at other times a year, most commonly around the viewing of films and other media. When author Maurice Sendak (of the popular children's book  "Where The Wild Things Are")  was asked if parents thought the film adaptation was too scary for children, he answered, "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate ... If they can't handle it, go home ..."  

 That might be a somewhat acceptable answer from an 81-year-old author, but not particularly helpful to parents.  Here are some other ideas for  both Halloween and media viewing.

 When wondering if something is too scary, first consider the age of the child. Children six and under are developmentally at an age where  they have difficulty knowing the difference between real and imaginary and they also think that their thoughts cause things to happen.

• You might want to pre-screen films and TV programs for this age group.
• You might want to limit trick-or-treating to places that you know won't have scary themes or costumes.
• You might want to have a party or attend a party where you know how the evening will be handled.

 Children age seven to early adolescence ( roughly 11-13) have an interest in scary things and like to master their fear, but within reason. Overly violent or stressful situations can cause unnecessary fear.

• You might want to talk with your child openly about what they want to do and what they think is too scary.
• You might want to pre-screen films, TV, or computer games for violent content. There is a difference between a child's ghost story and violence. Help your child discern the difference.
• You might want to limit exposure to violent content, especially if your child has been exposed to violence in their family or community.

 Older adolescents:

• Some adolescents like violence and scary material. Open communication is important, as well as discussing safe behavior.

 

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Instill Confidence in My Child?

Question:

How do you instill confidence in a child? My daughter has a hard time looking people in the eyes. She makes negative comments about things that could or might happen, but never have. She says things like, "I didn't play with them because I know they wouldn't want to play with me," And "They'll tell me to go away and they don't want to be my friend" or "They'll yell at me if I sit by them."

When I watch her play on the school playground the children call her by name and ask her to play with them. They're constantly trying to get her attention. She has a lot of friends.

When I speak to her I give her eye contact. I let her know that when she looks someone in the eyes it tells them she's very interested in what they have to say. She's very pretty and above average in intellect. If you have any pointers I would appreciate it very much.

Answer:

Instilling confidence is such an interesting topic. Each of the behaviors you listed (negativity, poor self- confidence, lack of eye contact) could involve a lengthy discussion, or they could be viewed together as symptoms of: shyness, low self- esteem," depression, or "kindergarten transition."

One approach to building self confidence is to view it as a characteristic of the broader concept of "emotional intelligence." Emotional intelligence suggests that children learn about confidence by watching their parents demonstrate empathy, optimism, problem solving, and social and communication skills. This approach emphasizes that parental self- awareness is the key to modeling appropriate life skills, and by observing this, children improve their own self-awareness and confidence.

However, there is no substitute for life experience. Children also need to encounter their own challenges in order to build self-assurance. Lawrence Shapiro's, How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence is an excellent resource for teaching children positive interactions within themselves (self talk) and with others.

You said that she has a lot of friends and children ask her to play with them I'm wondering if she does have good peer relationships, but she reports it negatively to you.

If that is the case, please understand that sometimes young children learn to connect with parents over having "problems." It may be that she is focused on her difficulties, rather than her strengths. You can have empathy over a negative emotion, but balance it with identifying positive experiences. Ask an open-ended question like, "What was the most fun thing you did today?" Her teacher may be able to give you more insight into how she responds to her peers and thoughts on how to help her feel included by her peers.

It's fine to ask your daughter to look at you when speaking, but everyone has a different ability to hold eye contact. There is interesting research that by age five, children avert gaze in order to comprehend or answer questions. You can check out www.neurodiversity.com for more information.

Q&A with Debra: My Third-Grader Won't Listen

Question:

I have a problem with my 8-year-old. I have to consistently repeat myself for him to do what I ask of him, whether it's getting in the shower, picking up his clothes, cleaning his room, turning off the TV, getting ready in the morning for school or getting ready for bed.

I've tried a lot of approaches. I've sat him down, talked to him face to face and asked him if he would rather wait for me to yell at him to do what I ask him. He'll say he doesn't want me to yell. I've gone as far as listing out the order of things that I need him to accomplish while we are driving home. I tell him, "We are going to go inside and the first thing I need you to do is take a shower, then after dinner, I need you to get a book so we can read.", just so there are no surprises and that I'm not repeating myself a million times.

I've stopped yelling and just started talking in a lower voice. At times I just turn off the TV to get his eyes off of it and if it's time for a shower and he doesn't get up to do it, I've changed channels to news or something else to get his attention. Sometimes I turn off the TV, and I find him turning it back on as soon as I turn my back.

How do I work with him on this problem?

Answer:

Here's the good news: You are open to changing how you approach communicating with your son. No one wants to yell or be yelled out, but parenting is frustrating and sometimes we resort to it even when we know it doesn't work.

Learning is a repetitive process, and it can be difficult to remain patient. You are on the right track by choosing to lower your voice, turning off the TV when you are talking to him (so that he's not distracted) and making clear what your expectations are.

You might want to slow things down a little. Listing everything in the car is a great way to prepare before you get home, but there may be too many tasks for him to remember, or he may not learn as well with verbal instructions.

Hold a family meeting to discuss what the various rules and roles are in the household. Have him make a chart for himself of what his duties are. This can be a visual reminder that he can refer to. Let him negotiate the order he may want to do things and the times. Letting him choose allows him to feel more respected and responsible, and takes you out of the position of constantly having to be the heavy.

We learn social skills and personal responsibility by feeling positive about ourselves and our accomplishments. The more he can be involved with the process, the more motivated he'll be to do this for himself, rather than what he's now learning to do -- tune you out or defy you.

For more help: try these classics: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and any of the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen et al.

Q&A with Debra: How do you handle different rules in divorced homes?

Question:

My stepdaughter is a fourth-grader and a child of divorce. It seems that the rules in her mother's home are quite lenient as far as what constitutes bedtime, the importance of homework, the value of reading, chores and such. In our home, where my stepchild visits 10 days a month, the boundaries and expectations of her are more clearly defined. Bedtime is at 9 p.m., homework is a priority after a reasonable rest-and-play period upon returning from school, reading is a daily family activity and chores are assigned based on age and ability.

Because of the obvious disparity in household boundaries, it's getting harder to motivate her while she's here because she has no such guidelines in her mother's home. Her only motivation now seems to be monetary, as in "I'll do my homework if you pay me" and "If you pay me a dollar, I'll clean my room." My husband gives his daughter a small allowance, and we pick up the tab for any and all essential items as well as entertainment while she's in our care. But this new interest in being paid to do what is expected of most children, as it was of us as children, is a troublesome thing.

How do we address this issue without turning it into something bigger than it needs to be, especially when communication between my husband and his ex-wife is tenuous at best?

Answer:

This is often a dilemma in blended families. If your husband and his ex-wife are unable to co-parent, then you can only focus and be consistent with the rules in your home.

For example, you can state that you understand things are different at her mom's house. However, in your house the expectation is that an allowance is given after chores have been completed. Homework is her job, but she is not compensated for it and so forth.

The delivery of this message can be empathic and noncompetitive with her mom’s rules. You can recognize that the adjustment between households is difficult and that she did not ask for this situation, but her dad’s job is to decide what rules are best for her. One caution: Be careful not to overcompensate for the leniency you feel that the biological mother is encouraging. Stay consistent with the rules, roles and consequences in your household only. If you and your husband share in the discipline, then you might present the expectations together.

Stepfamilies also have to negotiate a variety of different preferences. One household always eats corn flakes and the other eats Cheerios. This is tiresome for everyone, and sometimes there is an insider-versus-outsider dynamic that occurs when the biological parent and child have a history together and the stepparent feels left out. Acknowledging these differences and similarities can be helpful in forming new family systems.

It is important to give your stepdaughter some appropriate choices in your household so that you don’t create an unnecessary power struggle. Encouraging her to talk about the frustrations she feels managing differing parental expectations can help her feel understood and create less incentive to act out.

Also, plan to do fun things and enjoy each other as a family so that your time with her is not just about discipline.