Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Sixth-Grader Won't Do His Work

Question:

I have a question or concern with my son, who is in the sixth grade. Lately he has been unable to do his school work. He chooses not to do it. He constantly has to have someone standing over him to do his work. If no one is there, he will not do anything. It has become a problem and the teachers are informing me all the time of this situation.

He is really good in reading and spelling. He is in the top 10 students in the school district with reading, with a total of 600 students. He does not want to study for his quizzes, spelling and so forth. When the testing comes around, he aces all of them. The students are puzzled and they ask, "How does he do it, he does not even do his work, or study?" The other thing is, my son will talk forever but when he is told to write it down, he won't. How do I deal with this? Help!

Answer:

There is much written about students who are "underachievers." In a recent study by Dr. Jeffrey Johnson at Columbia University; excessive television viewing was considered a major contributing factor. He reported that, "Television viewing time...was associated with elevated risk for subsequent frequent attention difficulties, frequent failure to complete homework assignments, frequent boredom at school, failure to complete high school, poor grades, negative attitudes about school..." These difficulties are sometimes seen in younger children but seem to be more prevalent in teens. That could be because there are additional contributing factors influencing their behavior.

When looking for "causes," try to eliminate the obvious stressors. A counselor specializing in teens or a behavioral pediatrician can help. They may look at everything from needing a new eyeglass prescription to adolescent depression and substance abuse. Ask yourself about other distractions such as major changes in the family (i.e., death, divorce, illness).

For some students it is simply a difficult transition from the protective environment of grade school to the new demands of middle school. Since he "will talk forever," take advantage of this strength and explore what may be difficult for him in sixth grade. He may be thinking, "Why do your homework or study when you're acing your tests?" You may want to work with his teachers to see if he needs more intellectual challenges. Writing involves a whole different set of skills than verbal communication and it would be important to review his school history to know what, if any, past challenges he has had in that area before determining strategies. Help support him in finding out what his interests are. If he is passionate about something and can find peers that share those same interests, the mundane (i.e., homework) can become less problematic.

Q&A with Debra: My Grandson Doesn't Want to Go to School

Question:

My grandson has decided that he doesn't like school and that he doesn't want to go. Monday through Thursday is a constant struggle, but on Fridays he jumps right out of bed and can't wait to get there! (I guess it is TGIF syndrome.) I don't know what to do, I try to make his homework fun, and he likes his teacher. What else could it be?

Answer:

I had to smile when I read your statement, "I guess it is TGIF syndrome." This is a great place to start. Although he may make it hard for you Monday through Thursday, he is going to school, doing his homework, and likes his teacher, which is all positive. In general, how is he doing both academically and socially in school? Does he struggle in either of these areas? Has the school indicated that he should be evaluated for a learning disability? Does he need more support with social skills or peer relationships so that he can feel better about attending school?

If this appears to you to be a behavioral issue, I would explore with him "what is the same" and "what is different" about Fridays from the other school days. This may give you something more specific to work with. Perhaps on Fridays there is different seating, subjects, activities, or routines that he finds more enjoyable. Ask his teacher the same question to see if there is something that may stand out for everyone, and based on the answers, find a way to bring a little bit of the favorite things about Friday into the rest of the week.

Do this same exercise yourself and see what you may be doing, without realizing, that may be motivating him more on Fridays. Also, is there someone who he sees on the weekends that may also be contributing to his positive Friday behavior? Some children feel the loss of certain relationships during the week and look forward to being reunited on the weekend. If that's a possibility some contact with that person during the week may be helpful.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Get My Social Child to Focus on Her Schoolwork?

Question:

My daughter is a very outgoing, bubbly, caring and loving child. I wouldn't change that for the world; in fact that is more of what this world needs. However, because of these wonderful qualities that she has, she tends to get extremely distracted at school, and it's very hard for her to focus on her work. Her teacher tells me she is A+ Honor Roll material, if she gives it her "all", but she's not quite there yet. She is holding back her potential for academics, due to her distraction with her friends. Is this normal? And how can I get her more focused on her studies for her to actually enjoy it and discover herself in that aspect? I want to help her discover her gift and show her how to use it to her benefit.

Answer:

I think her behavior is developmentally appropriate. The focus of middle childhood (ages 5 - 8) is to identify with same-sex friendships. Peers become influential and there is a strong pull to belong and be liked. This age group is learning to play cooperatively with others, as well as becoming more independent of their families.

This can be a sensitive time when children are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism from both their peers and significant adults. They are still motivated by adult reinforcement and approval.

In late childhood, (ages 8 - 11) children become more motivated by their peer relationships. They are also more tolerant of constructive criticism and are better able to handle responsibility and consequences for their behavior. Depending on a child's maturity, a third-grader is on the cusp of middle and late childhood.

In addition to being age appropriate, it is clear that you value her ability to form close relationships. Your appreciation of her temperament and sensitivity to others has reinforced these traits. You can balance this by showing equal enthusiasm for academic achievement and self regulation.

Have her identify which behaviors and roles are appropriate in different settings. Are the expectations the same or different? Have her discuss this with her teacher to clarify any misconceptions.

Some other things to consider:

    * Ask her teacher if your daughter has enough academic challenges.
    * Would a different seat placement help?
    * Can the teacher pair her with a student that needs assistance?
    * Is there a code word or visual reminder to redirect her when she is getting distracted by her friends?
    * Implement a behavior chart at school that rewards self control.

You can also redirect her social aptitude by finding other outlets for self expression outside of school, such as acting, music, dance or sports.

The following book may be of interest to you:

    * How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence by Lawrence E. Shapiro (Harper Paperbacks)

Q&A with Debra: I Think My Son's Teacher Is Playing Favorites

Question:

My fourth-grader is a good student and gets good grades. He had enjoyed school up until the teacher we have now and also had last year. She has her pets and makes it very clear. I can also see this when visiting the classroom. I have tried to discuss this with the teacher, but in turn she cornered our son and intimidated him. I don't know how to handle the situation now. He has learned nothing from this teacher in two years. I've heard other parents discussing this same problem.

Answer:

It appears from your statement "My fourth-grader is a good student and gets good grades" that your son is still able to perform well even when the learning conditions are not optimal. I would be curious to know how he has been able to do this for the past two years. Perhaps he learned his resiliency from you, and you are unaware that you have taught him to effectively cope with people in authority.

This skill might be a positive trait that you can highlight for him. Of course, no parent wants to feel like the teacher is unresponsive or inappropriate; it can be wounding to the parent as well as the child. However, the old question "Whose problem is this?" might be helpful for you to gain clarity. If after some honest soul-searching you discover that your son is indeed doing well in school, you might choose to let this issue go.

If, on the other hand, you feel that your son no longer enjoys school, is consistently intimidated by his teacher and is getting poor grades - and your attempts to talk with the teacher have not been positive - then you might want to discuss your experience with the principal. It would be helpful to state specifically what you would like to see changed and what steps you have taken to address this with the teacher.

Complaints about preferential treatment are not easy for the principal to address. It could be productive to have both the teacher and principal present when you voice your concerns; this way there would be less chance for miscommunication and a greater opportunity to have a positive plan going forward.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Bites Her Fingers

Question:

I have a fifth-grade daughter who recently turned 10 and who bites the skin off the tip of her fingers when she is nervous. I noticed this behavior earlier this year after a transition to a new school. I spoke with her about it and discovered she was having difficulty adapting to the new school, the teacher and making new friends. I monitored the situation for a while, and I spoke with her teacher about it. I bought her a series of books on self esteem, etc., and it seemed to help her so she stopped. Over the summer she was fine.

I recently noticed her fingers and saw they were red and raw. When I asked her about it, she was embarrassed and did not want to talk about it. Last week I had a parent-teacher conference and her teacher had nothing but good things to say about her and her work.

I spoke to my daughter about it later on and she told me she bites her finger tips during chorus. She said her chorus teacher yells a lot and this gets her nervous. She has chorus twice a week. This is a new teacher at the school. I told my daughter I will call and speak to the teacher about it, but frankly, I don't know where to begin. Could you give me some pointers?

Answer:

Talking to both your daughter and her teachers was a very good start. You want to gather as much information as possible to understand how your daughter copes with her anxiety. From your account, after she adjusted to her new school, she stopped biting her fingers. Then she began again when she was confronted with a new stressor; the yelling chorus teacher. It looks like a pattern is forming. When your daughter is anxious she relieves her stress by biting her finger tips. As you are aware, this is not an effective coping strategy and if left untreated, could lead to even more serious self-injurious behaviors.

You mentioned that you had her read self-esteem books. I think it is important to look at all the factors that contribute to self-esteem. We are complex beings that respond to life depending on a variety of factors of both nature and nurture. It is possible that your daughter is more susceptible to anxiety, but that does not necessarily mean she doesn't feel good about herself. What could affect her esteem is her embarrassment over her compulsive behavior.

This is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have different coping styles. It would be important to seek out professional treatment to help your daughter better understand her anxiety. A behavioral pediatrician, licensed psychologist or child therapist can help your daughter learn better coping skills. Make sure the professional has training in anxiety/compulsive disorders.

Lastly, I would encourage you not to wait and see if it goes away again. You are correct in being concerned and the sooner your daughter learns to manage her anxiety, the better she will be prepared for life's many challenges.