Marin Family Counseling

ChatRoulette - what will social media users think of next?

 

 In this  interesting article by Sam Anderson ,in New York Magazine , he discussed  his experience of participating in ChatRoulette;which allows participants an endless stream of odd connections with each other via webcam. 

Through the push of a "next button" strangers can choose to interact with one another in as many possible ways as  human beings can think of. In Anderson's case that meant one minute he was being asked to "lick his elbow" by a man wearing, what he thought was a dog's protective cone collar, to chatting with a self appointed ChatRoulette Mystic.

According to  this article on FoxNews.com . "The site's creator is understood to be Andrey Ternovskiy, a 17-year-old high school student in Moscow. He told the New York Times he initially created the site for 'fun' and to connect randomly with global users...  Some think it is a game, others think it is a whole unknown world, others think it is a dating service. I think it's cool that such a concept can be useful for so many people. Although some people are using the site in not very nice ways -- I am really against it."

There is some irony that a 17-year-old created a forum  that parents are now being warned against having their children participate in. Regardless of the era, teens and young adults will either deliberately, or accidentally find ways to scare adults and possibly get themselves in trouble.

Anderson's experience  on the site was a reflection of society; shock pornographers, sports fans, poets. They all had something to convey and all were looking for an audience of sorts. Whether you think this is the dark side of social media or the latest in artistic expression, ChatRoulette gives people a  rapid way of interacting and relating. Advancements in technology will challenge the way individuals choose to communicate and help redefine the way they form relationships.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Does Not Share or Play Well with Others

Question:

My second-grader has difficulty sharing and playing with others. She seems almost angry. There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year. I also notice that she tries to do things on her own and not in front of others. It's as if she is worried about being embarrassed. Is this typical second-grade behavior or something I should get outside help with?

Answer:

Developmentally, second-graders have a strong need to belong and feel accepted by their peers and family. Children this age are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism. This might be why she is sensitive about doing things in front of others. Some common things that children are self-conscious about are:

    * Speaking or reading aloud, especially if they have learning challenges.
    * Writing, drawing or other physical activities; especially if there are difficulties with motor skills.

Find out what she is avoiding and under what circumstances to better support her and help her feel more confident doing those tasks.

You stated "There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year." Since I don't know what has occurred, it's difficult to fully discern whether her response to those circumstances is age- appropriate and understandable. For example, her "anger" might be reasonable, but some guidance might help her express it more productively.

How do her peer relationships and academic performance differ from last year? How does her teacher view her? A child her age typically desires cooperation and group alliance. You mention she is having problems sharing and playing with others; this might be an indication that she needs more support from her peers. Find out if there are friendship groups at your daughter's school. Friendship groups are groups that create a safe place for children who are struggling with social skills and with making friends.

I think that often when parents ask themselves, "Should I get outside help?" they already have a sense that the answer is probably "yes." Your school counselor might be a good resource to help explore what options are available at school and in your community. Check with your insurance provider or county mental health agency to see if they offer providers. Make sure you meet alone with any therapist first to feel comfortable that this individual has experience with the issues you need guidance with, before introducing him to your child.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Grandson Misbehaves at School

Question:

My grandson is in the first grade and his grades are good, but the teacher has sent a note home everyday this past week stating that he is talking, playing or interrupting the class. I have had talks with him, given him time-outs, taken things away from him that I know he loves in hopes that it would help him remember to behave at school.

He is a very sweet child. He does not talk back to me and he's been with me most of his life. He loves living with me, but after our talks before school and the hugs and "I love yous" he goes to school and comes home with a bad report of talking and throwing crayons. He knows he will be in trouble, but he does it anyway. What can I do to change this?

Answer:

There are many reasons why children are disruptive in class. Children have difficulty articulating their feelings; they show it by their behavior instead.

It appears from your comment, "he gets good grades," that his behavior is not linked to academic challenges, but might be a response to a stressor. Is this new behavior?

I assume that you are his primary caregiver since there is no mention of parental involvement. Although I have no details about your particular situation, I can provide some thoughts to consider and explore. Children that have no, or limited contact with their parents, may continue to have questions about this as they mature. Every developmental age creates opportunities to gain more understanding. It is common for a child to continue to process his circumstances, in order to feel safe and secure.

If your grandson still has visitation with his parent(s) the transition between households or differing parenting styles can be confusing. It may bring up loyalty conflicts and other big feelings. Some young children may "act out" at school because they are very concerned about rejection from their caregiver, even when the caregiver has demonstrated love, consistency and support.

Time-outs at home would not be particularly helpful as they are not a logical consequence of his behaviors at school, but a "quiet place" in the classroom, or learning other calming techniques would be. A behavior report is not sufficient; it is too far removed from the event. A behavior plan that includes both real-time consequences and future incentive is more useful at his age. In addition, have the teacher reinforce the times he is behaving appropriately to help him feel more successful.

A school counselor can help with his school behavior and a therapist might assist you and your grandson in better understanding his behaviors.

State Fact Sheets for Grandparents and Other Relatives Raising Children can direct you to resources.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Talks Out of Turn in Class

Question:

My first-grader gets at least one warning a week from his teacher for talking in class and/or blurting out the answer. He is in the gifted and talented program. My child and two others in his regular class get accelerated work. Should I be concerned or is it typical for first-grade boys to get at least one warning a week on their behavior chart? I have asked the teacher for a conference. I've also started taking away privileges at home.

Answer:

Many teachers use behavior charts for classroom management. These help a child learn what is expected of them and provide tools to practice self-control. Learning appropriate social skills and coping mechanisms are important factors in children's development. It is great that you have scheduled a conference with the teacher because it will inform you more about the nature of his behavior and if there is a pattern. For example, talking to his classmates because he is already finished with his work and doesn't know what to do with himself is different from acting out. Many children need help with waiting their turn so it is not unusual for children to get excited and blurt out an answer. Having a more thorough understanding of his behavior will help you know how to guide him at home and determine if taking away privileges is the most appropriate action.

Your son's teacher is using logical consequences with the behavior chart. He is not being punished; he is being taught that if he is not following the classroom rules the logical consequence is a warning. There are many different styles of behavior charts and incremental degrees of the consequences. You may want to use a similar system at home as part of your discipline regime. I do not know all the details about your son's misbehavior, but I don't think one warning a week is excessive; it is part of his learning process.

I applaud your prompt response to this situation. Early intervention and your willingness to learn about what your son needs will help keep him enthusiastic about learning. For more information on natural and logical consequences try Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. This book is a classic for both parents and teachers.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Won't Listen

Question:

I have a 6-year-old daughter in kindergarten. Thankfully, she is social and outgoing. But I am now experiencing the downside of this, which is that in the last week she has twice been given a behavior mark at school for not listening to the teacher. She went all the way from August to December with no negative behavior marks. On her report card, which I just received, she achieved the highest mark possible on every single item listed.

Her sudden problem with listening at school is troubling me. At home, my husband and I struggle every day to get her to listen. I have found that I have to say something two to three times before she even hears it; she's always busy playing with her younger sister. It's like she has tuned our voices out. Now the same thing seems to be happening at school.

What do you recommend?

Answer:

I think you may be combining two separate issues. Having a "social and outgoing" temperament does not necessarily result in "not listening" behavior. I think you are on track when you say; "It's like she has tuned our voices out." Repeating instructions over and over to children can be like speaking louder to someone who doesn't speak your language. No matter how loud or how often, the message is stated, it will not be honored if it is incomprehensible to the recipient.

Appropriate listening skills can be learned. Here are some thoughts on how to help your child listen.

    * Use a tone of voice that is respectful yet firm.
    * Avoid repeating by not giving too many directions at once.
    * State the directions in simple and clear terms with reasonable consequences if they aren't carried out.
    * Prevent confusion by not giving directions in the form of a question or favor unless that is what you mean.
    * Make sure that your child is paying attention when you are giving the instruction and that there are no distractions.
    * If you don't think your child heard or understood, ask her to repeat it back to you so that you can clarify.
    * Use positive reinforcement when she carries out your instructions.

A book that you might refer to is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

One benefit of developing better listening skills at home is that your daughter's behavior will generalize to school. It would be important to share what you are doing with her teacher and find ways to collaborate so that your daughter's new skills are being reinforced consistently.