Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Won't Listen

Question:

I have a 6-year-old daughter in kindergarten. Thankfully, she is social and outgoing. But I am now experiencing the downside of this, which is that in the last week she has twice been given a behavior mark at school for not listening to the teacher. She went all the way from August to December with no negative behavior marks. On her report card, which I just received, she achieved the highest mark possible on every single item listed.

Her sudden problem with listening at school is troubling me. At home, my husband and I struggle every day to get her to listen. I have found that I have to say something two to three times before she even hears it; she's always busy playing with her younger sister. It's like she has tuned our voices out. Now the same thing seems to be happening at school.

What do you recommend?

Answer:

I think you may be combining two separate issues. Having a "social and outgoing" temperament does not necessarily result in "not listening" behavior. I think you are on track when you say; "It's like she has tuned our voices out." Repeating instructions over and over to children can be like speaking louder to someone who doesn't speak your language. No matter how loud or how often, the message is stated, it will not be honored if it is incomprehensible to the recipient.

Appropriate listening skills can be learned. Here are some thoughts on how to help your child listen.

    * Use a tone of voice that is respectful yet firm.
    * Avoid repeating by not giving too many directions at once.
    * State the directions in simple and clear terms with reasonable consequences if they aren't carried out.
    * Prevent confusion by not giving directions in the form of a question or favor unless that is what you mean.
    * Make sure that your child is paying attention when you are giving the instruction and that there are no distractions.
    * If you don't think your child heard or understood, ask her to repeat it back to you so that you can clarify.
    * Use positive reinforcement when she carries out your instructions.

A book that you might refer to is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

One benefit of developing better listening skills at home is that your daughter's behavior will generalize to school. It would be important to share what you are doing with her teacher and find ways to collaborate so that your daughter's new skills are being reinforced consistently.

Q&A with Debra: What Should I Do With My Defiant Middle-Schooler?

Question:

Middle-school kids are worse than the terrible twos! My son just got relatively decent and we could have a conversation and now he has turned into a defiant toddler who is too big to put onto a time-out mat! Does anybody else feel this way? Or am I a goofball? What's a parent to do?

Answer:

I usually say, "Teenagers are 2-year-olds with car keys." Hopefully, you and your son will have more time adjusting to adolescence - before he gets his learner's permit! All humor aside, what you are describing is normal development, but that doesn't mean it is easy on either of you. Your son is experiencing his body changing without his control. In addition, adults are now placing greater expectations on him to respond more maturely and work more independently. However, he still has not had much life experience to cope with all of these changes.

Experts used to believe that an adolescent brain was pretty much like an adult's. We now know that brain development continues throughout young adulthood and some say through middle-age. This explains why he's civil one minute and having a tantrum the next. His impulse, reasoning and planning centers are still forming. So, continue setting realistic and firm limits.

Here are some other simple guidelines that might help:

Empathy works great with teens.

Many teens don't feel heard as much as they did when they were younger. This may be because they act like they don't want to talk to with us, but they are really longing to be heard and understood. Be the safe place to land; listen first and suppress the need to either lecture or fix it for them. Ask what solutions they have, so they can practice problem solving with you.

Enjoy those pleasant conversations with him.

In those moments you can mention to him how insightful and interesting he is. He may dismiss you, but he'll come back for more. This is a hard time for parents; you may be facing some life-cycle changes yourself - middle-age, aging parents - so seek out families going through similar issues for support.

Q&A with Debra: My Third-Grader Won't Listen

Question:

I have a problem with my 8-year-old. I have to consistently repeat myself for him to do what I ask of him, whether it's getting in the shower, picking up his clothes, cleaning his room, turning off the TV, getting ready in the morning for school or getting ready for bed.

I've tried a lot of approaches. I've sat him down, talked to him face to face and asked him if he would rather wait for me to yell at him to do what I ask him. He'll say he doesn't want me to yell. I've gone as far as listing out the order of things that I need him to accomplish while we are driving home. I tell him, "We are going to go inside and the first thing I need you to do is take a shower, then after dinner, I need you to get a book so we can read.", just so there are no surprises and that I'm not repeating myself a million times.

I've stopped yelling and just started talking in a lower voice. At times I just turn off the TV to get his eyes off of it and if it's time for a shower and he doesn't get up to do it, I've changed channels to news or something else to get his attention. Sometimes I turn off the TV, and I find him turning it back on as soon as I turn my back.

How do I work with him on this problem?

Answer:

Here's the good news: You are open to changing how you approach communicating with your son. No one wants to yell or be yelled out, but parenting is frustrating and sometimes we resort to it even when we know it doesn't work.

Learning is a repetitive process, and it can be difficult to remain patient. You are on the right track by choosing to lower your voice, turning off the TV when you are talking to him (so that he's not distracted) and making clear what your expectations are.

You might want to slow things down a little. Listing everything in the car is a great way to prepare before you get home, but there may be too many tasks for him to remember, or he may not learn as well with verbal instructions.

Hold a family meeting to discuss what the various rules and roles are in the household. Have him make a chart for himself of what his duties are. This can be a visual reminder that he can refer to. Let him negotiate the order he may want to do things and the times. Letting him choose allows him to feel more respected and responsible, and takes you out of the position of constantly having to be the heavy.

We learn social skills and personal responsibility by feeling positive about ourselves and our accomplishments. The more he can be involved with the process, the more motivated he'll be to do this for himself, rather than what he's now learning to do -- tune you out or defy you.

For more help: try these classics: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and any of the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen et al.

Q&A with Debra: My Sixth-Grader Won't Do His Work

Question:

I have a question or concern with my son, who is in the sixth grade. Lately he has been unable to do his school work. He chooses not to do it. He constantly has to have someone standing over him to do his work. If no one is there, he will not do anything. It has become a problem and the teachers are informing me all the time of this situation.

He is really good in reading and spelling. He is in the top 10 students in the school district with reading, with a total of 600 students. He does not want to study for his quizzes, spelling and so forth. When the testing comes around, he aces all of them. The students are puzzled and they ask, "How does he do it, he does not even do his work, or study?" The other thing is, my son will talk forever but when he is told to write it down, he won't. How do I deal with this? Help!

Answer:

There is much written about students who are "underachievers." In a recent study by Dr. Jeffrey Johnson at Columbia University; excessive television viewing was considered a major contributing factor. He reported that, "Television viewing time...was associated with elevated risk for subsequent frequent attention difficulties, frequent failure to complete homework assignments, frequent boredom at school, failure to complete high school, poor grades, negative attitudes about school..." These difficulties are sometimes seen in younger children but seem to be more prevalent in teens. That could be because there are additional contributing factors influencing their behavior.

When looking for "causes," try to eliminate the obvious stressors. A counselor specializing in teens or a behavioral pediatrician can help. They may look at everything from needing a new eyeglass prescription to adolescent depression and substance abuse. Ask yourself about other distractions such as major changes in the family (i.e., death, divorce, illness).

For some students it is simply a difficult transition from the protective environment of grade school to the new demands of middle school. Since he "will talk forever," take advantage of this strength and explore what may be difficult for him in sixth grade. He may be thinking, "Why do your homework or study when you're acing your tests?" You may want to work with his teachers to see if he needs more intellectual challenges. Writing involves a whole different set of skills than verbal communication and it would be important to review his school history to know what, if any, past challenges he has had in that area before determining strategies. Help support him in finding out what his interests are. If he is passionate about something and can find peers that share those same interests, the mundane (i.e., homework) can become less problematic.

Q&A with Debra: My child is too talkative

Question:

My kindergartner is talkative and rarely quiet. She wants to talk while dressing, eating and brushing her teeth. She is also talkative at school. The teacher thinks it's cute because she is a good student. However it is a problem because she needs to know that it is not OK to talk all the time. We have set up a system at school and home where we remind her to have her ears open and mouth closed.

At home she will disregard my statements about it not being time to talk. If I stop doing everything and say, "Now let's talk," she has nothing to say. It's driving me and her father bonkers. She is an only child. Could this have something to do with it? Any suggestions on how I can help her to be less talkative would be greatly appreciated.

Answer:

From your description, I envision a relaxed, talkative child who is enthusiastic about her experiences. Five-year-olds typically enjoy conversing. They are interested in language and ask a lot of questions.

I think you and your husband taught her the power of communication. She clearly feels heard and understood and, because she is only five, thinks that everyone will respond to her as you both have. As you observed, she is no longer the only child and now needs to learn to delay gratification. You want her to understand the concept of waiting and appropriate timing without shaming her or making her anxious. I have seen children go from being chatty to becoming anxious and withdrawn.

Perhaps rather than “ears open and mouth closed,”i t might be better to say, “It is time to wait and listen.” When she has stopped to listen, guide her to reflect on what was said. After repeating what was said, she can then add her thoughts. Her teacher can also encourage this give-and-take as a way to teach conversation skills and slow down the process. Some teachers use a “talking stick.” The child with the stick is the only one who can speak.

At home she is not used to “Now let’s talk.” She probably feels more self-conscious and has forgotten what she was about to say. If you want to introduce this concept, try creating a special sharing time at home. Dinner is a natural time to attempt this, and you can each take turns going first. It might be awkward in the beginning, but she’ll get better at it. Give her other opportunities to talk such as reading out loud. I imagine there will be a time when you look back on this period fondly — perhaps when she is an adolescent.