Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How do I stop my child from teasing other kids?

Question:

How do I stop my third-grade son from teasing and bothering others at the school bus stop?

Answer:

Good for you for taking this seriously. Too often adults view this behavior as normal child behavior and minimize the impact it has on everyone.

Literature on teasing asks adults to recognize the distinction between "friendly teasing" and bullying. Friendly teasing is often described as playful exchanges that involve equitable participation. Bullying is when there is a power differential between the participants. The recipients of bullying find such interactions to be intrusive, offensive, shaming, degrading, or intimidating. This can escalate to include physical altercations.

In order to help your child find other ways to relate to others, it's important that you uncover what he's trying to accomplish through this behavior. Does he feel left out? Powerless? Is teasing a communication style he learned from family, or in his neighborhood? Does he have developmental challenges that make it difficult for him to read social cues or to comprehend the impact of his actions? Once you understand and can empathize with the underlying cause, you can help him learn new behaviors.

Empathy does not mean that you are condoning the behavior, or that you will not set consequences; it means that through your own reaction, you can demonstrate appropriate behavior. Helping your child through role-playing and problem- solving activities are other ways to teach social skills. Limit exposure to negative T.V. programs that portray teasing as an acceptable form of communication. Or, watch those programs together and discuss what you see

If this occurs only at the bus stop, it may be that he realizes there is no adult supervision on the scene. You might want to alert the bus driver and ask school staff to provide more supervision. School-wide behavioral plans and programs can help all students improve their social skills. Explore the options with your principal. Educational Equity Center and National Crime Prevention Council are some resources to get you started.

Q&A with Debra: My Seventh-Grader Is Worried About Bullying

Question:

How do you handle returning to school after summer vacation when there was bullying (also called "hazing" nowadays) the previous year? How should this be handled if your seventh-grader never mentioned it when he was new in the previous year? But suddenly he shows fear and says he doesn't want to return after the summer vacation for fear it will recur?

Answer:

It is frustrating to find things out after they occurred. No matter how good your communication with your son may be, he may have felt either that he could handle it, or was embarrassed that he could not. Boys sometimes have a harder time admitting to parents that they are being bullied. They feel like a crybaby if they go to their parents and they also fear retaliation from the perpetrators.

The important thing is that your son is coming to you now. Be proud of him for trying to cope and give him positive feedback for trusting you for support. Often, if you ignore bullying behavior, it has a tendency to become more serious, so it is wise to take action. Assure him that the only way to stop bullying is to have parents and school authorities intervene.

Bullying is often defined as intimidating behavior and can involve physical, verbal, or Internet (cyber bullying) incidents. Because school bullying has become a complex legal and social issue, you will need to do some fact gathering and research.

First find out all the details of the events from your son, including his response to the perpetrators. Many consequences are based on specific behaviors, so the details are important. Next contact your school principal and school district to find out about their policy and what procedures you need to follow to issue a complaint. You'll want to do this before school starts if possible, so that your son has a safety plan in place. Missing school will only complicate your son's difficulties.

I'm glad you used the word "hazing" because that activity is usually associated with group initiations and is often mistakenly thought of as a harmless tradition. Stophazing.org defines it as, "… any activity expected of someone joining a group (or to maintain full status in a group) that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm…"

Whatever terms we use, children need to feel safe at school and require adults to help achieve that. Additional resources to guide you National Youth Violence Preventionand Stop Bullying Now offers advice for teens. Your state Attorney General's office may also be a resource for state programs and guidelines.

Q&A with Debra: Is My Child Being Bullied?

Question:

My fourth-grade daughter has done well in school until the past few weeks. She is very bright, imaginative, curious and sloppy. She copies homework from a blackboard, but always forgets one out of every four assignments. The teacher also says that her attention wanders and she does not focus. My daughter's response is, "The girl in front of me always turns around and kicks me; the class is boring; some of the other children are not smart."

When my ex-wife and I spoke to her teacher, the teacher said that she had some "special" students that she needed to concentrate on and she could not afford to give our daughter special attention. The teacher would not move her away from the girl distracting and kicking my daughter because this was between them and she should settle her own problems. I believe there is a problem here that would be helped by changing classes. Can you give me your opinion?

Answer:

I would like to congratulate you and your ex-wife for both speaking with the teacher. Co-parenting is good modeling for showing your daughter how people can work together even though there are difficulties.

I do think there are things you need to consider before requesting a new class. The problem will follow her if the root is not fully explored. First and foremost, is this a safety issue? Does the teacher say that there is equal provocation, or is it one-sided?

Are these behaviors happening with other peers, or just between the two of them? Has the teacher rotated seat assignments? Some teachers do this regularly as part of their classroom management. What is the schools policy on bullying? If you have safety concerns and are not satisfied that the issue is being addressed, discuss it with the principal.

You may also want to explore how you feel your family has adjusted to the divorce. How parents continue to parent and interact is the key to lowering a child's anxiety. If the divorce was recent, then there may be a long adjustment period for all of you. If it happened years ago, you may want to re-visit your agreements to see if they meet everyone's current needs. What other changes may have recently occurred? Have there been moves or other environmental changes that have changed your routines? Do you or your ex-wife have a new partner?

New relationships are difficult for children to adjust to. Sometimes even if the parents feel that things are going well, some children have longer adjustment periods and are more reactive to changes in their environment post divorce.

Having a better understanding of the underlying issues can help you and your ex-wife plan an effective course of action.

Q&A with Debra: How do I help my daughter deal with mean girls?

Question:

My second-grader does not want to go to school. She tells me there is a group of girls who constantly tease her and keep her away from her best friend. They tell her best friend not to play with her and make her choose sides. My daughter tells me that these two girls tease her so much that her whole class joins in or laughs at her.

Answer:

It is unacceptable that your daughter does not want to go to school because of peer difficulties. The behavior you described is getting much media attention and is now being labeled as "relational aggression."

Relational aggression is usually used to describe bullying and teasing behavior in female adolescents, but it can and often does begin much earlier. There are many sociological and psychological theories about why this occurs. I think these are valid explanations, but much of this behavior is not a new phenomenon.

Children have a difficult time navigating relationships and often resort to inappropriate conduct to either get their needs met or to obtain control. They are learning how to interact with people who are the same and different from them. Adults need to be good models and teachers for acceptable behavior.

Speak with your daughter's teacher to see how she handles these issues in her classroom. Many things occur on the playground that are not evident in a structured classroom, so make sure the teacher is aware of your daughter's difficulties. There is not a one-time fix for these problems and it is difficult for a child to deal with this on her own.

It is important that the school, parents and students make having good relationships a part of their school community. Ask if there is a school counselor who can introduce a program into the school's curriculum. If not, you may want to engage your PTA into making this issue a priority. A good book for young children, that can easily be adapted into lesson plans, is How to be a Friend by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. For more information on relational aggression read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher and Ruth Ross and Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman.