Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Second-Grader Works Too Slowly

Question:

My second-grader works very slowly. We both work on her homework during the afternoon. She usually needs to do about three to four pages of homework. We start at 6:00 p.m. and she does not finish until 7:30 p.m. I don't know what to do for her to work at a faster pace. Am I being too pushy? When she asks me to give her a 10-minute break during that period of time, should I? She likes to work more with math and does it much faster than reading and writing. What can I do to help her improve her work pace?

Answer:

It is sensible to check yourself out on this one. Homework seems to be one of the biggest sources of frustration for everyone involved, and the debate about its efficacy has become heated. Some experts say we need children to do more because we are falling behind in education. Others say it is our curriculum that is the problem and that this won't be solved by giving more homework. To make it more complicated, some studies suggest that homework (before sixth grade) does little to improve academic success. No matter what your bias, homework is not going away. So it helps to be positive about it around your child.

The U.S. Department of Education offers these guidelines: kindergarten through second grade - 10 to 20 minutes each day; third through sixth grade- 30 to 60 minutes. However, I think there are so many factors involved, such as when and where the child does homework and how difficult it is based on the child's skill level, that these guidelines may not be very helpful. Check in with your child's teacher about her expectations and what she feels your daughter should be able to accomplish, based on how she completes her work in class. I like that your daughter is asking for what she needs. Try giving her a 10-minute break and see how she does with it. Avoid difficult transitions like watching television. Experiment with the order of her work. Some children do better doing what they like first and others like doing the easier part last. It is your daughter's homework so let her complete it at her pace. Then you can go over it with her to see how she did. Keeping children on task is helpful, but too much pushing can be counterproductive.

Q&A with Debra: My preschooler is not participating in activities

Question:

My 4-year-old is enrolled in a summer activity, and the teacher informed me that she has not been participating in some of the games. She stands with her arms crossed and will not play. This is not the first time this has happened. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I always have her participate in activities with other children her age, and she loves it. When we go home, she talks nonstop about the things she does.

I talk to her about being slow to participate, and tell her that by the time she finally is ready to play a game, it's time to go or the game is over. I tell her it is rude to make people wait on her. My husband says she is shy; I say no way. To me, that is rude and unacceptable behavior, and when I have pushed her to go play or talk, she will. What should I do?

Answer:

One purpose of preschool is to learn how to have appropriate peer relationships. You do want her to be cooperative and follow rules, schedules, and instructions, because those skills are necessary for a positive experience in kindergarten.

I think that both you and your husband have valid points. It appears that you want her to learn social skills, which involves cooperation and good manners, and your husband wants to take into account her temperament. A 4–year-old doesn’t necessarily grasp what “being rude” is. She may only understand that she is uncomfortable with a particular situation but does not comprehend what she is feeling or how to tell you or her teacher. It is good that she reports liking school overall, so it may be that there is something difficult for her with certain activities or transitions.

Your daughter probably does better with you because she knows what to expect and your presence is comforting. You can ask the teacher to guide her through a new activity to encourage participation.

Her teacher can also help her by making sure she understands the activity. See that there is enough time to transition. If the children don’t have a choice of games or activities, then having clear rules about nonparticipation is helpful. This way she is not disruptive but is also not forced to join in. The teacher might suggest alternative behaviors.

You can play school at home, which often reveals what the trouble is. Then you and the teacher can come up with solutions.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Talks Out of Turn in Class

Question:

My first-grader gets at least one warning a week from his teacher for talking in class and/or blurting out the answer. He is in the gifted and talented program. My child and two others in his regular class get accelerated work. Should I be concerned or is it typical for first-grade boys to get at least one warning a week on their behavior chart? I have asked the teacher for a conference. I've also started taking away privileges at home.

Answer:

Many teachers use behavior charts for classroom management. These help a child learn what is expected of them and provide tools to practice self-control. Learning appropriate social skills and coping mechanisms are important factors in children's development. It is great that you have scheduled a conference with the teacher because it will inform you more about the nature of his behavior and if there is a pattern. For example, talking to his classmates because he is already finished with his work and doesn't know what to do with himself is different from acting out. Many children need help with waiting their turn so it is not unusual for children to get excited and blurt out an answer. Having a more thorough understanding of his behavior will help you know how to guide him at home and determine if taking away privileges is the most appropriate action.

Your son's teacher is using logical consequences with the behavior chart. He is not being punished; he is being taught that if he is not following the classroom rules the logical consequence is a warning. There are many different styles of behavior charts and incremental degrees of the consequences. You may want to use a similar system at home as part of your discipline regime. I do not know all the details about your son's misbehavior, but I don't think one warning a week is excessive; it is part of his learning process.

I applaud your prompt response to this situation. Early intervention and your willingness to learn about what your son needs will help keep him enthusiastic about learning. For more information on natural and logical consequences try Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. This book is a classic for both parents and teachers.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Won't Listen

Question:

I have a 6-year-old daughter in kindergarten. Thankfully, she is social and outgoing. But I am now experiencing the downside of this, which is that in the last week she has twice been given a behavior mark at school for not listening to the teacher. She went all the way from August to December with no negative behavior marks. On her report card, which I just received, she achieved the highest mark possible on every single item listed.

Her sudden problem with listening at school is troubling me. At home, my husband and I struggle every day to get her to listen. I have found that I have to say something two to three times before she even hears it; she's always busy playing with her younger sister. It's like she has tuned our voices out. Now the same thing seems to be happening at school.

What do you recommend?

Answer:

I think you may be combining two separate issues. Having a "social and outgoing" temperament does not necessarily result in "not listening" behavior. I think you are on track when you say; "It's like she has tuned our voices out." Repeating instructions over and over to children can be like speaking louder to someone who doesn't speak your language. No matter how loud or how often, the message is stated, it will not be honored if it is incomprehensible to the recipient.

Appropriate listening skills can be learned. Here are some thoughts on how to help your child listen.

    * Use a tone of voice that is respectful yet firm.
    * Avoid repeating by not giving too many directions at once.
    * State the directions in simple and clear terms with reasonable consequences if they aren't carried out.
    * Prevent confusion by not giving directions in the form of a question or favor unless that is what you mean.
    * Make sure that your child is paying attention when you are giving the instruction and that there are no distractions.
    * If you don't think your child heard or understood, ask her to repeat it back to you so that you can clarify.
    * Use positive reinforcement when she carries out your instructions.

A book that you might refer to is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

One benefit of developing better listening skills at home is that your daughter's behavior will generalize to school. It would be important to share what you are doing with her teacher and find ways to collaborate so that your daughter's new skills are being reinforced consistently.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Instill Confidence in My Child?

Question:

How do you instill confidence in a child? My daughter has a hard time looking people in the eyes. She makes negative comments about things that could or might happen, but never have. She says things like, "I didn't play with them because I know they wouldn't want to play with me," And "They'll tell me to go away and they don't want to be my friend" or "They'll yell at me if I sit by them."

When I watch her play on the school playground the children call her by name and ask her to play with them. They're constantly trying to get her attention. She has a lot of friends.

When I speak to her I give her eye contact. I let her know that when she looks someone in the eyes it tells them she's very interested in what they have to say. She's very pretty and above average in intellect. If you have any pointers I would appreciate it very much.

Answer:

Instilling confidence is such an interesting topic. Each of the behaviors you listed (negativity, poor self- confidence, lack of eye contact) could involve a lengthy discussion, or they could be viewed together as symptoms of: shyness, low self- esteem," depression, or "kindergarten transition."

One approach to building self confidence is to view it as a characteristic of the broader concept of "emotional intelligence." Emotional intelligence suggests that children learn about confidence by watching their parents demonstrate empathy, optimism, problem solving, and social and communication skills. This approach emphasizes that parental self- awareness is the key to modeling appropriate life skills, and by observing this, children improve their own self-awareness and confidence.

However, there is no substitute for life experience. Children also need to encounter their own challenges in order to build self-assurance. Lawrence Shapiro's, How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence is an excellent resource for teaching children positive interactions within themselves (self talk) and with others.

You said that she has a lot of friends and children ask her to play with them I'm wondering if she does have good peer relationships, but she reports it negatively to you.

If that is the case, please understand that sometimes young children learn to connect with parents over having "problems." It may be that she is focused on her difficulties, rather than her strengths. You can have empathy over a negative emotion, but balance it with identifying positive experiences. Ask an open-ended question like, "What was the most fun thing you did today?" Her teacher may be able to give you more insight into how she responds to her peers and thoughts on how to help her feel included by her peers.

It's fine to ask your daughter to look at you when speaking, but everyone has a different ability to hold eye contact. There is interesting research that by age five, children avert gaze in order to comprehend or answer questions. You can check out www.neurodiversity.com for more information.