Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My son wants to be the center of attention

Question:

My son loves to be the center of attention at home but especially at school. In doing so, he misses a lot of the instruction from the teacher and then doesn't know what to do. He laughs at inappropriate times and interrupts a lot. At times he becomes rude and disrespectful when the teacher is talking or giving instructions as he won't stop laughing or talking. What can we do to help stop this behavior? His teacher uses a "time-out" corner or puts him in the hallway when he is being disruptive. But that only works some of the time.

Answer:

You mentioned he loves being the center of attention at home. It's possible that the attention-getting behaviors he learned were cute then, but now get in his way at school.

Children also use those same learned behaviors when they are feeling anxious. For example, once upon a time he did something adorable and you laughed and called in the whole family to witness. He did it again and he got the same result. He begins to learn that that behavior will work in a variety of different circumstances: to distract when he's feeling uncomfortable or soothe when he's wanting connection. In school he is trying what has worked for him in the past. He doesn't have another method.

Children are better at showing us with their behavior what's wrong than by telling us. Make sure that you and the teacher have a clear understanding of what he's trying to achieve. If his acting out is because of learning difficulties then he may need an educational assessment. If he has difficulty with peer relations, he may need opportunities to learn how to get along in group settings.

Time-outs are fine, but nothing works 100 percent of the time. It may help calm him down, or it might reinforce inappropriate ways to connect with the teacher. Give him opportunities to participate and get attention in more positive situations at school and at home by giving him tasks he can easily accomplish. A school counselor might help him identify and tolerate his feelings. This could give him more tools to communicate what may be difficult for him, rather than having to seek attention.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Clashes with His Teacher

Question:

My son is in first grade.  He did not have any major behavior problems last year. Since we and other people - as well as last year's teacher - haven't had behavior problems with him, we really don't think it is ADHD. His current teacher would like us to get him tested. But she is the only one who seems to have a problem with him; everyone is shocked at his apparent disrespect for her. And as far as she can see, he's a perfect ADHD candidate. He certainly does act that way with her. How do I find out why they are at each others throats? There has to be something between their personalities that causes this clash.

Answer:

Your son's "disrespectful" behavior is not, in and of itself, reason to suspect ADHD. Impulsivity, non-compliance and social inappropriateness are just some of the behaviors attributed to ADHD.

SchwabLearning.org , The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics are excellent resources to help familiarize you with the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, as well as other childhood disorders. Mood disorders, such as depression and anxiety, can lead to "acting out" behavior, as well as undiagnosed learning disabilities. Knowing more about these issues can help you decide when to consider having your child tested.

Changes in family life can also cause acting out in school. Examine if there have been any recent developments in the family or the family routine that might be cause for anxiety. Remember, what may not be upsetting to you may be to your son.

Try some investigative reporting with your child. Be careful not to blame either the teacher or your child. Try something like, "Gee, you had such a good time in kindergarten, I wonder what's different about first grade." Give your child an opportunity to express what is difficult about his experience so that you can strategize some solutions.

Make sure you are clear on what behavioral expectations the teacher has of your child and that your child is clear about them as well. Be specific and break the classroom rules down into manageable steps.

Over the course of your child's life he will need to learn how to deal with people he may not care for. One thing you can do at home is avoid "venting" about people in authority, like a boss, spouse, etc. It is best to model "working it out" rather than "acting out."

Q&A with Debra: What should I do with a disrespectful child?

Question:

This year my 6-year-old is repeating kindergarten at the request of her teacher last year who said that although her skills were developed, she was "not emotionally ready" for first grade.

While last year she enjoyed school, this year she claims she doesn't. On the second week of school, I got a call from the principal's office saying she had been sent there for the first time ever for discipline. I was told that she did not listen to the teacher for three times in a row and on the fourth direction, she yelled "No!" back at the teacher.

What can I do to support my daughter treating her teachers with respect? Is it possible she is bored with the repeat of curriculum?

Answer:

Common factors in determining a child's "emotional readiness" for kindergarten are age and previous preschool experience. Children start kindergarten at different emotional, behavioral and academic levels. It can be helpful and appropriate for children to repeat a grade based on a variety of issues that can include both academic and "emotional readiness." Regardless of the reasons, how the retention was explained to your child is the key to ensuring that your daughter does not feel that she has failed or is being punished by repeating.

First, make sure you and the teacher are giving your daughter the same explanation for her retention and that it is understandable to a 6-year-old. It is also important that you convey a positive non-punishing feeling about her retention.

In order to further support your child, consider the following: Have a good understanding of what is meant by "emotional readiness." We can assist children in maturing by having clear behavioral expectations. The teacher should construct a behavior plan that you and your child understand and that is within the range of age-appropriate behaviors. Behavior plans have a higher success rate when the teacher, student and parents have participated in setting and maintaining the goals together.

Does the school counseling program have a social skills group? If not, do they have referrals in the community? Social skills groups can help children strengthen appropriate coping skills, problem solving and peer interactions.

How is your child doing academically? Are any interventions needed?

Having a clear plan and strategy for your child's retention can help lessen everyone's anxiety and increase your child's school performance.

Q&A with Debra: My Granddaughter Is Acting Out Due to a New Sibling

Question:

My daughter had a precious little boy last week. My daughter also has a 7-year-old girl who was and still is so excited about her little brother, but she is having behavior issues. She is talking to people with an attitude, expecting everyone to do everything for her and having temper tantrums, something she has never had before.

My daughter called me today hysterical as my granddaughter called her from school to tell her she just got caught stealing paint from the art room. This is unlike anything she has ever done. What can we do? My daughter and her husband are at wits' end about this misbehavior. She has had things important to her taken away mostly her trampoline. I understand that children will act out for attention when a new sibling is brought into the home, but this is unacceptable.

Answer:

Congratulations on the birth of your grandson. It often takes awhile for a family to adjust to having a new baby in the house. Before the baby's birth, the family was understandably focusing on the joys his arrival would bring. Although your granddaughter was excited to have a new sibling, it is very different when the reality hits., and your granddaughter would have no idea about the downside until the baby arrives. It's hard to anticipate the future when you are only seven. Her behavior, although troublesome, is age appropriate.

Your daughter is probably exhausted and may have less energy and patience in dealing with your granddaughter. Her parents will also need time to adjust to the demands of a newborn, while still attending to the needs of their daughter.

Your granddaughter has to redefine her role in the family. It's difficult to shift from being an only child to being a big sister. She doesn't understand her function in this new family configuration, but does understand that she is no longer the center of her parents' world.

Her "talking to people with attitude" is her way of expressing her confusion and possibly anger at being displaced. Stealing things can also be a way of "getting your share" before it is taken from you. Other common reactions for a "displaced" older sibling are: age regressive behaviors such as temper tantrums, clinginess, using "baby talk,"requesting to nurse or sleep with parents, inability to dress oneself or perform other previously mastered skills.

Here are some tips to support your granddaughter:

    * Allow her the opportunity to mourn the loss of her position in the family. Discuss the negatives openly, as this may help her identify and express her feelings rather than act out.
    * Explore what remains the same in her family such as the fact that her parents still love her, and they all live together. Explore what is different such as the fact that she must sometimes wait for her wants and needs to be met.
    * Her teacher and parents should respect her feelings but inform her that she still is expected to follow the rules.
    * Allow her to participate with the care of her baby brother in age appropriate ways.
    * Use a story book such as Kevin Henkes's Julius, the Baby of the World to start a discussion.

Q&A with Debra: How can I get my sons to stop arguing?

Question:

My two boys are in kindergarten and third grade. They constantly argue. I have tried so many things. I have even separated them by giving them their own rooms so each one has his own space. It hasn't really helped. I would like to know: Is this normal and how should I go about disciplining them?

Answer:

Giving each of your sons his own private space was a great start, but as you mentioned it didn't solve the problem.

There are multiple causes for sibling squabbling and some amount of it is common. Often siblings have competitive needs and temperaments and it helps to look at their issues from a developmental perspective.

For example, a kindergartner is more eager to please and may still want mommy, but a third-grader is seeking more independence and has more school challenges. While the third-grader may also at times want his mommy, it suddenly is perceived as babyish and he may resent the sibling who gets mom's attention more freely. These may not be your children's issues, but this perspective may clarify what developmental needs are not being met.

You might also try making once-a-month dates with each child so each can have your undivided attention.

Try weekly family meetings to go over the rules of family life, such as chores, routines and schedules. It is also important to review your expectations about their behavior and the consequences of not adhering to it. Sibling difficulties can be addressed at this time as well. Many siblings fight over who owns what and what is to be shared. At the meeting you can clarify this and the natural consequences of undesired behavior.

We are not born knowing about conflict resolution; it is a learned skill. As a family you can decide how you are going to resolve conflicts and problem-solve appropriate solutions. How you model this behavior in your day-to-day life helps them get a sense of how you want them to resolve their differences. For more ideas, check out Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.