Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How do you handle different rules in divorced homes?

Question:

My stepdaughter is a fourth-grader and a child of divorce. It seems that the rules in her mother's home are quite lenient as far as what constitutes bedtime, the importance of homework, the value of reading, chores and such. In our home, where my stepchild visits 10 days a month, the boundaries and expectations of her are more clearly defined. Bedtime is at 9 p.m., homework is a priority after a reasonable rest-and-play period upon returning from school, reading is a daily family activity and chores are assigned based on age and ability.

Because of the obvious disparity in household boundaries, it's getting harder to motivate her while she's here because she has no such guidelines in her mother's home. Her only motivation now seems to be monetary, as in "I'll do my homework if you pay me" and "If you pay me a dollar, I'll clean my room." My husband gives his daughter a small allowance, and we pick up the tab for any and all essential items as well as entertainment while she's in our care. But this new interest in being paid to do what is expected of most children, as it was of us as children, is a troublesome thing.

How do we address this issue without turning it into something bigger than it needs to be, especially when communication between my husband and his ex-wife is tenuous at best?

Answer:

This is often a dilemma in blended families. If your husband and his ex-wife are unable to co-parent, then you can only focus and be consistent with the rules in your home.

For example, you can state that you understand things are different at her mom's house. However, in your house the expectation is that an allowance is given after chores have been completed. Homework is her job, but she is not compensated for it and so forth.

The delivery of this message can be empathic and noncompetitive with her mom’s rules. You can recognize that the adjustment between households is difficult and that she did not ask for this situation, but her dad’s job is to decide what rules are best for her. One caution: Be careful not to overcompensate for the leniency you feel that the biological mother is encouraging. Stay consistent with the rules, roles and consequences in your household only. If you and your husband share in the discipline, then you might present the expectations together.

Stepfamilies also have to negotiate a variety of different preferences. One household always eats corn flakes and the other eats Cheerios. This is tiresome for everyone, and sometimes there is an insider-versus-outsider dynamic that occurs when the biological parent and child have a history together and the stepparent feels left out. Acknowledging these differences and similarities can be helpful in forming new family systems.

It is important to give your stepdaughter some appropriate choices in your household so that you don’t create an unnecessary power struggle. Encouraging her to talk about the frustrations she feels managing differing parental expectations can help her feel understood and create less incentive to act out.

Also, plan to do fun things and enjoy each other as a family so that your time with her is not just about discipline.

Q&A with Debra: Help My Child Cope With Parental Separation

Question:

I have been separated from my husband for a year now, and I have tried to inform my daughter of this. At first she asked about him all the time and suggested that he was at work. Now she understands that he is not home and she asks if we are divorced. I always tell her that even if we get divorced, it is not because of her. I tell her that we both love her. She always likes to stay with him because I am the one who makes her study and he does not care as much about studying. Any suggestions of how I can make the transition easier for her?

Answer:

Almost all children fantasize about their parents getting back together and worry that the divorce is their fault. Where children are developmentally also contributes to their understanding. It was probably easier for her at age 6 to believe that her dad was at work. Going to work is something concrete she understood. "Separation" is a harder concept to grasp.

By second grade she has a better understanding. You mentioned that you told her, "even if we get divorced…" I'm sure it must be a challenge to explain things if there is a possibility that you might reconcile. The anxiety about not knowing can be very stressful for all concerned.

If you are unsure about divorce, empathize with her that it must be hard waiting for mom and dad to decide. It would be ideal if you and your ex-husband talk with her together about what you have planned, and what routines and rules will be enforced. If you know that you will divorce, let her know when that will occur and any changes in schedules that may happen as a result.

Many parents understandably feel that one parent is favored by the child because of discipline issues. My experience working with families is that while it often appears that way, children want to be with their parents because they are their parents. However, children do test the limits and the boundaries with each one. This will happen whether you remain together or apart.

GreatSchools has wonderful information and resources about children and divorce which can be useful in your case, as well. Let the teacher know about this situation so that she can be aware of any behavior changes. Family therapy might be helpful to guide you through these transitions as well.