Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Get My Daughter to Be Respectful?

Question:

My fifth-grader has gotten so she talks back and makes smart or sarcastic remarks whenever asked to do anything. It is so hard to ask her to do anything, knowing there will be an argument to get her to do it without any mouthing and asking over and over.

Answer:

A fifth-grader may enjoy being one of the oldest kids in their school, at the same time fearing becoming the youngest in middle school. It could be she is trying on new roles at home where it is "safer to act out."

Sarcasm is a way that people show their annoyance, anger or frustration, and their comments often have an intended victim. Since you only mention that this behavior is happening at home and with you, I suspect you are getting the brunt of her "growing pains."

This would be a good time to review if your relationship is changing to reflect her desire for more independence and input. Have her participate in a new list of responsibilities and expectations that you have of one another. Her sarcasm could be her way of telling you that you that she wants a more age-appropriate relationship with you.

It is important to model good communication skills. Examine if your family is more prone to using indirect communication such as humor, sarcasm, or silence. Some use is not harmful, but it sounds like you and your daughter are not feeling respected. Working together to be more empathic and clear and direct might allow both of you an opportunity to better understand one another.

Children and teens get a steady diet of media depicting sarcasm as a common communication style. It is not unusual to hear children using sarcasm regularly with both adults and their peers. It would be useful to explore with your daughter how this might be affecting her relationships and help her to become more discerning.

It is easier to not resort to lecturing or nagging if you remain open and curious about what your daughter is attempting to convey. You might also want to suggest that the teacher have a classroom discussion on sarcasm and its impact on others.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Does Not Share or Play Well with Others

Question:

My second-grader has difficulty sharing and playing with others. She seems almost angry. There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year. I also notice that she tries to do things on her own and not in front of others. It's as if she is worried about being embarrassed. Is this typical second-grade behavior or something I should get outside help with?

Answer:

Developmentally, second-graders have a strong need to belong and feel accepted by their peers and family. Children this age are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism. This might be why she is sensitive about doing things in front of others. Some common things that children are self-conscious about are:

    * Speaking or reading aloud, especially if they have learning challenges.
    * Writing, drawing or other physical activities; especially if there are difficulties with motor skills.

Find out what she is avoiding and under what circumstances to better support her and help her feel more confident doing those tasks.

You stated "There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year." Since I don't know what has occurred, it's difficult to fully discern whether her response to those circumstances is age- appropriate and understandable. For example, her "anger" might be reasonable, but some guidance might help her express it more productively.

How do her peer relationships and academic performance differ from last year? How does her teacher view her? A child her age typically desires cooperation and group alliance. You mention she is having problems sharing and playing with others; this might be an indication that she needs more support from her peers. Find out if there are friendship groups at your daughter's school. Friendship groups are groups that create a safe place for children who are struggling with social skills and with making friends.

I think that often when parents ask themselves, "Should I get outside help?" they already have a sense that the answer is probably "yes." Your school counselor might be a good resource to help explore what options are available at school and in your community. Check with your insurance provider or county mental health agency to see if they offer providers. Make sure you meet alone with any therapist first to feel comfortable that this individual has experience with the issues you need guidance with, before introducing him to your child.

Q&A with Debra: My preschooler is not participating in activities

Question:

My 4-year-old is enrolled in a summer activity, and the teacher informed me that she has not been participating in some of the games. She stands with her arms crossed and will not play. This is not the first time this has happened. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I always have her participate in activities with other children her age, and she loves it. When we go home, she talks nonstop about the things she does.

I talk to her about being slow to participate, and tell her that by the time she finally is ready to play a game, it's time to go or the game is over. I tell her it is rude to make people wait on her. My husband says she is shy; I say no way. To me, that is rude and unacceptable behavior, and when I have pushed her to go play or talk, she will. What should I do?

Answer:

One purpose of preschool is to learn how to have appropriate peer relationships. You do want her to be cooperative and follow rules, schedules, and instructions, because those skills are necessary for a positive experience in kindergarten.

I think that both you and your husband have valid points. It appears that you want her to learn social skills, which involves cooperation and good manners, and your husband wants to take into account her temperament. A 4–year-old doesn’t necessarily grasp what “being rude” is. She may only understand that she is uncomfortable with a particular situation but does not comprehend what she is feeling or how to tell you or her teacher. It is good that she reports liking school overall, so it may be that there is something difficult for her with certain activities or transitions.

Your daughter probably does better with you because she knows what to expect and your presence is comforting. You can ask the teacher to guide her through a new activity to encourage participation.

Her teacher can also help her by making sure she understands the activity. See that there is enough time to transition. If the children don’t have a choice of games or activities, then having clear rules about nonparticipation is helpful. This way she is not disruptive but is also not forced to join in. The teacher might suggest alternative behaviors.

You can play school at home, which often reveals what the trouble is. Then you and the teacher can come up with solutions.

Q&A with Debra: What Should I Do With My Defiant Middle-Schooler?

Question:

Middle-school kids are worse than the terrible twos! My son just got relatively decent and we could have a conversation and now he has turned into a defiant toddler who is too big to put onto a time-out mat! Does anybody else feel this way? Or am I a goofball? What's a parent to do?

Answer:

I usually say, "Teenagers are 2-year-olds with car keys." Hopefully, you and your son will have more time adjusting to adolescence - before he gets his learner's permit! All humor aside, what you are describing is normal development, but that doesn't mean it is easy on either of you. Your son is experiencing his body changing without his control. In addition, adults are now placing greater expectations on him to respond more maturely and work more independently. However, he still has not had much life experience to cope with all of these changes.

Experts used to believe that an adolescent brain was pretty much like an adult's. We now know that brain development continues throughout young adulthood and some say through middle-age. This explains why he's civil one minute and having a tantrum the next. His impulse, reasoning and planning centers are still forming. So, continue setting realistic and firm limits.

Here are some other simple guidelines that might help:

Empathy works great with teens.

Many teens don't feel heard as much as they did when they were younger. This may be because they act like they don't want to talk to with us, but they are really longing to be heard and understood. Be the safe place to land; listen first and suppress the need to either lecture or fix it for them. Ask what solutions they have, so they can practice problem solving with you.

Enjoy those pleasant conversations with him.

In those moments you can mention to him how insightful and interesting he is. He may dismiss you, but he'll come back for more. This is a hard time for parents; you may be facing some life-cycle changes yourself - middle-age, aging parents - so seek out families going through similar issues for support.

Q&A with Debra: My Kindergartner Refuses to Write or Draw

Question:

My child refuses to write his name or make any attempt at drawing pictures. When given a pencil, crayons and paper he just makes small marks in the same place until there is a hole in the paper. He just says, "I can't."

Answer:

The first place to start with any kindergartner is to determine school readiness. Most schools recommend that before starting school a child can:

    * Copy simple shapes
    * Cut with scissors
    * Color pictures
    * Use building toys (like blocks)
    * Draw a person with at least six body parts
    * Lace shoes, tie knots, and button a coat (Thanks to Velcro and zippers, it now takes kids longer to learn these skills.)
    * Pick up and fit objects (like puzzle pieces) together with ease.
    * Hold crayons, markers and pencils properly.
    * Demonstrate age appropriate behavior such as hygiene and toilet skills.
    * Be able to express needs appropriately, follow directions and display social skills.

A child need not be proficient at all these tasks but should show mastery of many. If writing is new for him, he might be feeling overwhelmed. One-on-one time with his teacher might help him develop his fine motor skills. Using markers before moving to a pencil may help because it requires less coordination.

A fun exercise to do at home is the "squiggle game." You and your child each choose a different color marker and then you "chase" him (and his marker) on a piece of paper. When the page is filled with squiggles, ask him if he sees is a shape or object among the squiggles. If he does, have him point to it, then outline the figure in a different color marker. The idea is to have fun and lower his anxiety, before moving on to print letters. There is a learning disability called dysgraphia that affects written expression. Individuals have difficulty organizing letters, numbers and words on a line or page. Some early signs in young children are:

    * Tight, awkward pencil grip and body position
    * Avoiding writing or drawing tasks
    * Difficulty forming letters shapes

If this issue does not resolve itself, the learning specialist at school could test him for dysgraphia.

If your son was able to draw before kindergarten and his reluctance to draw is a new behavior, he might be anxious about his performance. Kindergarten is a hard adjustment for some children, and his teacher or school counselor may be able to help you coordinate a plan to lessen his anxiety. Highlighting a child's strengths is often a good first step.