Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Get My Social Child to Focus on Her Schoolwork?

Question:

My daughter is a very outgoing, bubbly, caring and loving child. I wouldn't change that for the world; in fact that is more of what this world needs. However, because of these wonderful qualities that she has, she tends to get extremely distracted at school, and it's very hard for her to focus on her work. Her teacher tells me she is A+ Honor Roll material, if she gives it her "all", but she's not quite there yet. She is holding back her potential for academics, due to her distraction with her friends. Is this normal? And how can I get her more focused on her studies for her to actually enjoy it and discover herself in that aspect? I want to help her discover her gift and show her how to use it to her benefit.

Answer:

I think her behavior is developmentally appropriate. The focus of middle childhood (ages 5 - 8) is to identify with same-sex friendships. Peers become influential and there is a strong pull to belong and be liked. This age group is learning to play cooperatively with others, as well as becoming more independent of their families.

This can be a sensitive time when children are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism from both their peers and significant adults. They are still motivated by adult reinforcement and approval.

In late childhood, (ages 8 - 11) children become more motivated by their peer relationships. They are also more tolerant of constructive criticism and are better able to handle responsibility and consequences for their behavior. Depending on a child's maturity, a third-grader is on the cusp of middle and late childhood.

In addition to being age appropriate, it is clear that you value her ability to form close relationships. Your appreciation of her temperament and sensitivity to others has reinforced these traits. You can balance this by showing equal enthusiasm for academic achievement and self regulation.

Have her identify which behaviors and roles are appropriate in different settings. Are the expectations the same or different? Have her discuss this with her teacher to clarify any misconceptions.

Some other things to consider:

    * Ask her teacher if your daughter has enough academic challenges.
    * Would a different seat placement help?
    * Can the teacher pair her with a student that needs assistance?
    * Is there a code word or visual reminder to redirect her when she is getting distracted by her friends?
    * Implement a behavior chart at school that rewards self control.

You can also redirect her social aptitude by finding other outlets for self expression outside of school, such as acting, music, dance or sports.

The following book may be of interest to you:

    * How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence by Lawrence E. Shapiro (Harper Paperbacks)

Q&A with Debra: My Third-Grader Won't Take Care of His Pet

Question:

My third-grade son has a pet rabbit that he claims to love dearly. However, his efforts to take care for his pet are minimal. We struggle daily to get him to feed and exercise the rabbit (before and after school). Have we made a mistake giving him a pet at this age? Should he be able to handle the responsibility without constant reminders? If I say we will give the rabbit away, he gets upset.

Answer:

I'm sure that your son "dearly loves" his rabbit. A third grader is capable of taking care of pets. However, that's still a young age to expect him to do it without prompting. Threatening to remove the pet is not the most effective way to teach responsibility. It might create bad feelings for everyone.

Make sure that your son is able to accomplish his pet care duties. Does he have enough time in the morning to feed the rabbit? If mornings are stressful, what could you do the night before to make things run more smoothly in the morning? When he comes home, in what order do things need to be done? Organizational skills are learned and practiced, they are not inherent. Have him break down the chores into manageable steps. Have him create a "chore board" and hang it where it's easy to see as a visual reminder and to reinforce the chore management process.

I know a fourth-grade teacher who is a master at teaching routines. He brakes down each routine into small tasks. Students rotate through various "monitor" positions that help ensure the success of these routines. He stands in the front of the class and quietly gives verbal prompts that outline the order of the steps. It took a few months of practice, but eventually his students got it. However, he did have to use verbal reminders on and off throughout the year, but it was always delivered in a neutral tone and, for those who struggled, he consistently gave them the verbal or visual prompts they needed.

You might try this same approach at home. The key is to practice and to outline manageable steps.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Teach My Child to Say "No"?

Question:

My daughter doesn't like to tell her best friend "no" when he asks her to do something - even if she doesn't want to do it. How can I teach her it is okay to say "no" and express her feelings without fear of losing the friendship?

Answer:

Developmentally, fourth-graders are becoming more competitive, and they need to improve their communication skills and learn how to determine "safe" choices in their relationships. Fourth-graders often develop new friendships as a part of learning these new relationship skills. Your daughter may have some friends that no longer share her interests and may need to socialize with a different group. Changing friendships may be appropriate.

There is no substitute for actually saying, "No," discovering how the other person responds, and learning how to handle his response. You may improve, or change, some of your friendships. Here are some ideas to try:

    * What does she want to say "no" to? Can she offer an alternative for the activity her friend suggests? Can they take turns deciding how to spend their time together?
    * If saying "no" provokes bullying or unsafe behavior by her friend, have her ask for support from adults at school and from you.
    * Have her practice saying "no" appropriately in other areas of her life, including her relationship with you. If you respond to her "no" in a reasonable way, she'll gain more confidence.
    * Model respectful communication and negotiation skills with her.
    * Find out if her school offers workshops or counseling about friendships and conflict resolution. If not, suggest it.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Motivate My Struggling Child?

Question:

My fourth-grader has been behind since first grade. She reads at 35% of where she should be and still can barely write. Her math is only at about 50%. Despite our best efforts, including tutors for several years, she is still behind. She has no motivation regarding school and doesn't understand why she needs to be able to read or write. Her mom and I are at wit's end to try to get her to understand the importance of school and get her motivated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Answer:

If your daughter has been struggling since first grade, it makes sense that she is discouraged and not feeling very motivated. Children also don't really understand something as abstract as the impact of school performance on their future. They are motivated by their present situations. That experience doesn't sound very satisfying.

I would assume that if she is behind this significantly in several subjects, she's been tested for learning disabilities, and has qualified for special education. If that is not the case, the first step would be to have her evaluated to make sure she is receiving proper instructional support. Your principal and child's teacher should be able to help you start the process.

If she has qualified for special education, than see when her next IEP (Individualized Education Program) is scheduled. It may be time to reassess her, or the approach, if she is not meeting her goals. It would be helpful to have any tutors at the IEP, to determine if they have appropriate training. To reduce your family's stress, make sure everyone's expectations are realistic and that you are working together as a support team.

You can also include broader learning opportunities to increase motivation. Being too focused on goals can be tedious. Explore what subjects interest your daughter and make these more available to her. If she likes polar bears, take a trip to the zoo, rent documentaries or go online for information. Also, outside interests such as dance, sports, art classes, music lessons that she can pursue and feel accomplished at, can be helpful to balance her learning challenges and improve her self esteem.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Second-Grader Work Independently?

Question:

My son does well academically, with the exception of being a bit behind in reading, but he seems to have issues with working independently. He can do the work, but constantly needs prodding to get it done. He also gets very frustrated when he doesn't think he can complete the task (self esteem issues as well) and shows his frustration outwardly. He's not a behavior problem, but the teacher feels that he is impulsive in his actions, especially when frustrated. What can I do to help him learn to do things more on his own?

Answer:

Children are just beginning to work independently in second grade and there is a range of ability that varies among students. Most teachers provide a combination of group and independent learning opportunities. This helps students increase their ability to work alone, their group participation and the ability to transition between the two.

It could be that he is still learning and growing into this new role of independent learner. Find out what the teacher's expectations are. Does she want students to remain in their seat and work alone for ten minutes or 40 minutes? Some second-graders need breaks to sustain longer periods of time. What is causing his distraction? Is it his seat placement or is it a lack of understanding of the material? What does she mean by "impulsive behaviors when frustrated?" What steps does she use to help children with transitioning between activities and for learning self regulation? Understanding her specific expectations and how your child's behaviors are not meeting those, can help all three of you design a plan for both classroom and home.

Some ideas to try at home to improve self regulation and independence are:

    * Create a consistent time and place for homework.
    * Teach him how to organize his after-school and home work schedule by breaking things into small tasks to be completed one at a time.
    * When he understands and has created his routine, ask him to complete a task independently for 5 minutes at a time before he asks for help. Increase the time by 5 minute intervals until the desired time.
    * Relaxation techniques such as slow breathing and tensing and relaxing muscles can help to lessen anxiety.
    * Home chores help improve self responsibility.