Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Son Adjust to Our Move?

Question:

Our third-grader is having a great deal of trouble adjusting to our recent move. We left a home where he had always lived and moved to a neighboring state when my husband took a new job. He is having a very hard time adjusting and has not had much success making friends at the new school.

He says he loves his teacher and likes the school. But now he doesn't want to go. He looks for reasons to stay home and avoid it all together.

He has always done very well in school, and his old school was going to test him for its gifted program. He has never enjoyed team activities, and sports are of no interest. We have put him in the school's Cub Scout pack. He avoids interaction with the kids and stays close to his dad or me during the meetings. He has never been real social, but things are much worse here. Any ideas on what we can do to help him?

Answer:

Generally children adjust better when given as much preparation as possible, especially those who are more introverted, which may be your son's issue. In the future, introducing him to the new environments, before a move, might be helpful. Even if you may have done that, some children are worriers or slow to adjust.

Avoid the urge to make him feel better by overemphasizing how great the move is. Let him explore his sad feelings. He can honor his past by writing a story, drawing pictures or making a scrapbook with all of his familiar places. You can begin to explore his current situation by helping him determine what is "the same and different" about his life now. Because he is afraid, he may not recognize the ways in which his new life is similar to his old one. Discovering those similarities may be comforting.

You say, "He loves his teacher and likes his school." What about her and the school does he like? What things doesn't he like? What are some possible solutions? If he has trouble developing peer relationships, see if the teacher can assign him a "classroom buddy." He may be better able to tolerate the support from one child rather than a group. Ask the teacher for ideas and make sure he is academically stimulated.

It is tempting, when you see your son's unhappiness, to let him stay home from school. But this just reinforces his difficulties and delays his ability to learn coping skills. Explore whether your son is concerned about being away from you and your husband while he's at school. New home life situations can trigger feelings of being unsafe.

A school counselor might also be able to offer some guidance and community resources.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Fifth-Grader Make a Smooth Transition?

Question:

We are moving to a new city in the fall due to my work, and I am concerned about the transition for my daughter. She has a solid group of friends here and she likes her school. Do you have any suggestions to make the transition easy on her?

Answer:

Your question shows that you understand that this will be difficult for her. Even though she may be upset with you for moving, your acknowledgment that this is a loss and that you want to ease the transition will be of comfort to her.

We can be more resilient when we are allowed to grieve first. Having a going-away party can help her honor her relationships with a formal good-bye. You can also make arrangements for how she can stay in touch. If she won't be graduating with her current class next year, you might want to plan for her to attend their graduation. She may not want to when the time comes, but for now it might be helpful for her to know that that is available.

You can guide her toward the future by getting more information. If she will be entering fifth grade at the new school, see if you can take her to tour the school before the school year ends. Meeting fourth-graders and the teachers now might be easier than meeting them in the fall. If she is starting middle school, many schools have sixth-grade orientation that you both can attend. Ask what extracurricular activities are available at the new school and in the community, and make contact with the coordinators so that your daughter knows what will be available.

It may be a wonderful time to try something new. Involvement in outside interests also expands her opportunities for a broader social network. A family discussion about what will be the same and different for each of you can foster compassion for each other and help everyone feel less isolated and in this adventure together.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Tween Who Hates Her School?

Question:

I was wondering if you had any advice for me. My 12-year-old daughter, who is in seventh grade, hates her school and classmates for the most part. We moved to this new school last year and she had a tough time, and this year has not improved. It is an extremely small K-8 school and she has 18 classmates of whom 12 are boys. She was in a school of 150 per grade before. This is a tough age - but her self- esteem is about nil and I have spoken with the school about my concerns. She displays a lot of anger. What can I do? I would like to try transferring but don't know if that is possible. Help!

Answer:

It is not clear if your move was a natural promotion to middle school, or if you moved because your family relocated. The transition to middle school from grade school is hard on many children and if your move includes giving up home, friends and familiar surroundings, the transition can seem very daunting. If this was the case, having her find ways to stay connected to her past, while finding ways to integrate into a new environment, can lessen her loss.

If your daughter did not have a choice in what school she now attends, this could also be problematic. No one likes to feel that they don't have some control over their lives. I think your statements show that you are aware of what some of the potential difficulties are. If all the children in this small K-8 school have been going to school together since kindergarten, it might be difficult to fit in. Their relationships have been established for a long time and this is a sensitive age where "newness" is threatening. The girl-to-boy ratio is also problematic, making her options even fewer.

It is a good idea to broaden a child's social network and activities when they are feeling isolated. However, it would seem due to the size of the school that you would need to seek resources outside the school environment.

School is more than just a place for academic learning; it is also about building social and emotional connections, cooperation and personal growth. It would be important to find out from your daughter what she feels she needs from her school setting to feel successful, and then work with the school to see if assimilation is possible, or determine if perhaps a different school would be a better fit.