Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My preschooler is not participating in activities

Question:

My 4-year-old is enrolled in a summer activity, and the teacher informed me that she has not been participating in some of the games. She stands with her arms crossed and will not play. This is not the first time this has happened. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I always have her participate in activities with other children her age, and she loves it. When we go home, she talks nonstop about the things she does.

I talk to her about being slow to participate, and tell her that by the time she finally is ready to play a game, it's time to go or the game is over. I tell her it is rude to make people wait on her. My husband says she is shy; I say no way. To me, that is rude and unacceptable behavior, and when I have pushed her to go play or talk, she will. What should I do?

Answer:

One purpose of preschool is to learn how to have appropriate peer relationships. You do want her to be cooperative and follow rules, schedules, and instructions, because those skills are necessary for a positive experience in kindergarten.

I think that both you and your husband have valid points. It appears that you want her to learn social skills, which involves cooperation and good manners, and your husband wants to take into account her temperament. A 4–year-old doesn’t necessarily grasp what “being rude” is. She may only understand that she is uncomfortable with a particular situation but does not comprehend what she is feeling or how to tell you or her teacher. It is good that she reports liking school overall, so it may be that there is something difficult for her with certain activities or transitions.

Your daughter probably does better with you because she knows what to expect and your presence is comforting. You can ask the teacher to guide her through a new activity to encourage participation.

Her teacher can also help her by making sure she understands the activity. See that there is enough time to transition. If the children don’t have a choice of games or activities, then having clear rules about nonparticipation is helpful. This way she is not disruptive but is also not forced to join in. The teacher might suggest alternative behaviors.

You can play school at home, which often reveals what the trouble is. Then you and the teacher can come up with solutions.

Q&A with Debra: I found out my sixth-grader has a boyfriend

Question:

My daughter is going into sixth grade this fall. I discovered by accident that she has had a boyfriend, who is also in her class, for about four months. How do I talk to her about this?

Answer:

My question is how did you find out? This might determine how you want to disclose that information to her. In general, being direct and honest is usually a good place to start, especially if you want her to communicate that way with you.

You could begin by saying something like, “I want you to be able to come to me about the important things that are happening in your life. I realize you are getting older and want privacy, but there are still certain guidelines I have for making sure you are safe.”

You can then ask her if she has a boyfriend and tell her how you heard about it. If you feel that you found out about it in an inappropriate way, tell her that in the future you would like to know such things through conversations with her.

Even if she denies it (it is possible that the relationship is over now), you can use this conversation as an opportunity to begin having those tough discussions about dating and growing up. If she says she didn’t want to tell you because you would overreact, ask her what her fears are about how you handle things. Try to remain calm and neutral, and don’t lecture. Ask her what she thinks about dating and what dating means to her, before offering your opinion and, ultimately, your rules.
Be clear on what is nonnegotiable.

Also, what are her expectations of her relationships in middle school? Will the boyfriend make her feel more grown-up or less alone? Who is in her support network entering middle school?

Every parent and family needs to determine what their values are and what they will or will not allow at different ages. How you handle this situation can be a chance to correct any misconceptions or bad communication in the past and set new appropriate guidelines.

Sneaking around can cause more problems. Ask to meet the boyfriend and his parents. This can also help you gain insight and encourage expectations that are clear for everyone. There are many difficult choices ahead of her. By laying the foundation for an open and trusting relationship, you will encourage her to share her experiences with you.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Talks Out of Turn in Class

Question:

My first-grader gets at least one warning a week from his teacher for talking in class and/or blurting out the answer. He is in the gifted and talented program. My child and two others in his regular class get accelerated work. Should I be concerned or is it typical for first-grade boys to get at least one warning a week on their behavior chart? I have asked the teacher for a conference. I've also started taking away privileges at home.

Answer:

Many teachers use behavior charts for classroom management. These help a child learn what is expected of them and provide tools to practice self-control. Learning appropriate social skills and coping mechanisms are important factors in children's development. It is great that you have scheduled a conference with the teacher because it will inform you more about the nature of his behavior and if there is a pattern. For example, talking to his classmates because he is already finished with his work and doesn't know what to do with himself is different from acting out. Many children need help with waiting their turn so it is not unusual for children to get excited and blurt out an answer. Having a more thorough understanding of his behavior will help you know how to guide him at home and determine if taking away privileges is the most appropriate action.

Your son's teacher is using logical consequences with the behavior chart. He is not being punished; he is being taught that if he is not following the classroom rules the logical consequence is a warning. There are many different styles of behavior charts and incremental degrees of the consequences. You may want to use a similar system at home as part of your discipline regime. I do not know all the details about your son's misbehavior, but I don't think one warning a week is excessive; it is part of his learning process.

I applaud your prompt response to this situation. Early intervention and your willingness to learn about what your son needs will help keep him enthusiastic about learning. For more information on natural and logical consequences try Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. This book is a classic for both parents and teachers.

Q&A with Debra: Help! My Child Won't Listen

Question:

I have a 6-year-old daughter in kindergarten. Thankfully, she is social and outgoing. But I am now experiencing the downside of this, which is that in the last week she has twice been given a behavior mark at school for not listening to the teacher. She went all the way from August to December with no negative behavior marks. On her report card, which I just received, she achieved the highest mark possible on every single item listed.

Her sudden problem with listening at school is troubling me. At home, my husband and I struggle every day to get her to listen. I have found that I have to say something two to three times before she even hears it; she's always busy playing with her younger sister. It's like she has tuned our voices out. Now the same thing seems to be happening at school.

What do you recommend?

Answer:

I think you may be combining two separate issues. Having a "social and outgoing" temperament does not necessarily result in "not listening" behavior. I think you are on track when you say; "It's like she has tuned our voices out." Repeating instructions over and over to children can be like speaking louder to someone who doesn't speak your language. No matter how loud or how often, the message is stated, it will not be honored if it is incomprehensible to the recipient.

Appropriate listening skills can be learned. Here are some thoughts on how to help your child listen.

    * Use a tone of voice that is respectful yet firm.
    * Avoid repeating by not giving too many directions at once.
    * State the directions in simple and clear terms with reasonable consequences if they aren't carried out.
    * Prevent confusion by not giving directions in the form of a question or favor unless that is what you mean.
    * Make sure that your child is paying attention when you are giving the instruction and that there are no distractions.
    * If you don't think your child heard or understood, ask her to repeat it back to you so that you can clarify.
    * Use positive reinforcement when she carries out your instructions.

A book that you might refer to is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

One benefit of developing better listening skills at home is that your daughter's behavior will generalize to school. It would be important to share what you are doing with her teacher and find ways to collaborate so that your daughter's new skills are being reinforced consistently.

Q&A with Debra: What Should I Do With My Defiant Middle-Schooler?

Question:

Middle-school kids are worse than the terrible twos! My son just got relatively decent and we could have a conversation and now he has turned into a defiant toddler who is too big to put onto a time-out mat! Does anybody else feel this way? Or am I a goofball? What's a parent to do?

Answer:

I usually say, "Teenagers are 2-year-olds with car keys." Hopefully, you and your son will have more time adjusting to adolescence - before he gets his learner's permit! All humor aside, what you are describing is normal development, but that doesn't mean it is easy on either of you. Your son is experiencing his body changing without his control. In addition, adults are now placing greater expectations on him to respond more maturely and work more independently. However, he still has not had much life experience to cope with all of these changes.

Experts used to believe that an adolescent brain was pretty much like an adult's. We now know that brain development continues throughout young adulthood and some say through middle-age. This explains why he's civil one minute and having a tantrum the next. His impulse, reasoning and planning centers are still forming. So, continue setting realistic and firm limits.

Here are some other simple guidelines that might help:

Empathy works great with teens.

Many teens don't feel heard as much as they did when they were younger. This may be because they act like they don't want to talk to with us, but they are really longing to be heard and understood. Be the safe place to land; listen first and suppress the need to either lecture or fix it for them. Ask what solutions they have, so they can practice problem solving with you.

Enjoy those pleasant conversations with him.

In those moments you can mention to him how insightful and interesting he is. He may dismiss you, but he'll come back for more. This is a hard time for parents; you may be facing some life-cycle changes yourself - middle-age, aging parents - so seek out families going through similar issues for support.