Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Child's Class Is Out of Control

Question:

My son is in a kindergarten classroom where the students are out of control most of the time. There are a few students in class who the teacher can not get control. It seems she spends more time dealing with misbehaving kids than teaching. Because of this my son is losing interest in school. What should I do?

Answer:

This is a very sensitive topic that is of concern to many parents. Not every teacher's strength is classroom management. And while some teachers may be very good at it, sometimes the level of a child's disturbance may be beyond either the teacher's skill set. Examples would include a child with severe emotional difficulties, or a school placement that is inappropriate. Not everyone's "needs" and "rights" are being adequately served in these complex situations.

In your case, without fully understanding the circumstances around the "misbehaving kids," it might be good to start by exploring with your son about how he feels about school. Find out what he is doing during the disruptive incidents. What is his relationship with the teacher? Does she answer his questions, call on him, and interact with him? Does he feel safe in the classroom? Is he learning what is required of him? Reinforce your pleasure in his ability to "make good choices" even when there are distractions.

With the details you have gathered from your son, you can start a conversation with the teacher about what your child says about his school experience and how you think your child is being affected. Because of the young age of your child, volunteering or visiting the classroom may also help you understand what your son is experiencing. Knowing specifics can help you have a more productive conversation with the teacher.

If you don't feel that the teacher is receptive or equipped to handle some of her students, go to your principal. The principal might be able to offer the teacher more guidance and support, which in turn will result in a better learning environment for your son and his classmates.

Q&A with Debra: My Second-Grader Works Too Slowly

Question:

My second-grader works very slowly. We both work on her homework during the afternoon. She usually needs to do about three to four pages of homework. We start at 6:00 p.m. and she does not finish until 7:30 p.m. I don't know what to do for her to work at a faster pace. Am I being too pushy? When she asks me to give her a 10-minute break during that period of time, should I? She likes to work more with math and does it much faster than reading and writing. What can I do to help her improve her work pace?

Answer:

It is sensible to check yourself out on this one. Homework seems to be one of the biggest sources of frustration for everyone involved, and the debate about its efficacy has become heated. Some experts say we need children to do more because we are falling behind in education. Others say it is our curriculum that is the problem and that this won't be solved by giving more homework. To make it more complicated, some studies suggest that homework (before sixth grade) does little to improve academic success. No matter what your bias, homework is not going away. So it helps to be positive about it around your child.

The U.S. Department of Education offers these guidelines: kindergarten through second grade - 10 to 20 minutes each day; third through sixth grade- 30 to 60 minutes. However, I think there are so many factors involved, such as when and where the child does homework and how difficult it is based on the child's skill level, that these guidelines may not be very helpful. Check in with your child's teacher about her expectations and what she feels your daughter should be able to accomplish, based on how she completes her work in class. I like that your daughter is asking for what she needs. Try giving her a 10-minute break and see how she does with it. Avoid difficult transitions like watching television. Experiment with the order of her work. Some children do better doing what they like first and others like doing the easier part last. It is your daughter's homework so let her complete it at her pace. Then you can go over it with her to see how she did. Keeping children on task is helpful, but too much pushing can be counterproductive.

Q&A with Debra: My preschooler is not participating in activities

Question:

My 4-year-old is enrolled in a summer activity, and the teacher informed me that she has not been participating in some of the games. She stands with her arms crossed and will not play. This is not the first time this has happened. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I always have her participate in activities with other children her age, and she loves it. When we go home, she talks nonstop about the things she does.

I talk to her about being slow to participate, and tell her that by the time she finally is ready to play a game, it's time to go or the game is over. I tell her it is rude to make people wait on her. My husband says she is shy; I say no way. To me, that is rude and unacceptable behavior, and when I have pushed her to go play or talk, she will. What should I do?

Answer:

One purpose of preschool is to learn how to have appropriate peer relationships. You do want her to be cooperative and follow rules, schedules, and instructions, because those skills are necessary for a positive experience in kindergarten.

I think that both you and your husband have valid points. It appears that you want her to learn social skills, which involves cooperation and good manners, and your husband wants to take into account her temperament. A 4–year-old doesn’t necessarily grasp what “being rude” is. She may only understand that she is uncomfortable with a particular situation but does not comprehend what she is feeling or how to tell you or her teacher. It is good that she reports liking school overall, so it may be that there is something difficult for her with certain activities or transitions.

Your daughter probably does better with you because she knows what to expect and your presence is comforting. You can ask the teacher to guide her through a new activity to encourage participation.

Her teacher can also help her by making sure she understands the activity. See that there is enough time to transition. If the children don’t have a choice of games or activities, then having clear rules about nonparticipation is helpful. This way she is not disruptive but is also not forced to join in. The teacher might suggest alternative behaviors.

You can play school at home, which often reveals what the trouble is. Then you and the teacher can come up with solutions.

Q&A with Debra: I found out my sixth-grader has a boyfriend

Question:

My daughter is going into sixth grade this fall. I discovered by accident that she has had a boyfriend, who is also in her class, for about four months. How do I talk to her about this?

Answer:

My question is how did you find out? This might determine how you want to disclose that information to her. In general, being direct and honest is usually a good place to start, especially if you want her to communicate that way with you.

You could begin by saying something like, “I want you to be able to come to me about the important things that are happening in your life. I realize you are getting older and want privacy, but there are still certain guidelines I have for making sure you are safe.”

You can then ask her if she has a boyfriend and tell her how you heard about it. If you feel that you found out about it in an inappropriate way, tell her that in the future you would like to know such things through conversations with her.

Even if she denies it (it is possible that the relationship is over now), you can use this conversation as an opportunity to begin having those tough discussions about dating and growing up. If she says she didn’t want to tell you because you would overreact, ask her what her fears are about how you handle things. Try to remain calm and neutral, and don’t lecture. Ask her what she thinks about dating and what dating means to her, before offering your opinion and, ultimately, your rules.
Be clear on what is nonnegotiable.

Also, what are her expectations of her relationships in middle school? Will the boyfriend make her feel more grown-up or less alone? Who is in her support network entering middle school?

Every parent and family needs to determine what their values are and what they will or will not allow at different ages. How you handle this situation can be a chance to correct any misconceptions or bad communication in the past and set new appropriate guidelines.

Sneaking around can cause more problems. Ask to meet the boyfriend and his parents. This can also help you gain insight and encourage expectations that are clear for everyone. There are many difficult choices ahead of her. By laying the foundation for an open and trusting relationship, you will encourage her to share her experiences with you.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Talks Out of Turn in Class

Question:

My first-grader gets at least one warning a week from his teacher for talking in class and/or blurting out the answer. He is in the gifted and talented program. My child and two others in his regular class get accelerated work. Should I be concerned or is it typical for first-grade boys to get at least one warning a week on their behavior chart? I have asked the teacher for a conference. I've also started taking away privileges at home.

Answer:

Many teachers use behavior charts for classroom management. These help a child learn what is expected of them and provide tools to practice self-control. Learning appropriate social skills and coping mechanisms are important factors in children's development. It is great that you have scheduled a conference with the teacher because it will inform you more about the nature of his behavior and if there is a pattern. For example, talking to his classmates because he is already finished with his work and doesn't know what to do with himself is different from acting out. Many children need help with waiting their turn so it is not unusual for children to get excited and blurt out an answer. Having a more thorough understanding of his behavior will help you know how to guide him at home and determine if taking away privileges is the most appropriate action.

Your son's teacher is using logical consequences with the behavior chart. He is not being punished; he is being taught that if he is not following the classroom rules the logical consequence is a warning. There are many different styles of behavior charts and incremental degrees of the consequences. You may want to use a similar system at home as part of your discipline regime. I do not know all the details about your son's misbehavior, but I don't think one warning a week is excessive; it is part of his learning process.

I applaud your prompt response to this situation. Early intervention and your willingness to learn about what your son needs will help keep him enthusiastic about learning. For more information on natural and logical consequences try Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. This book is a classic for both parents and teachers.