Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How do you handle different rules in divorced homes?

Question:

My stepdaughter is a fourth-grader and a child of divorce. It seems that the rules in her mother's home are quite lenient as far as what constitutes bedtime, the importance of homework, the value of reading, chores and such. In our home, where my stepchild visits 10 days a month, the boundaries and expectations of her are more clearly defined. Bedtime is at 9 p.m., homework is a priority after a reasonable rest-and-play period upon returning from school, reading is a daily family activity and chores are assigned based on age and ability.

Because of the obvious disparity in household boundaries, it's getting harder to motivate her while she's here because she has no such guidelines in her mother's home. Her only motivation now seems to be monetary, as in "I'll do my homework if you pay me" and "If you pay me a dollar, I'll clean my room." My husband gives his daughter a small allowance, and we pick up the tab for any and all essential items as well as entertainment while she's in our care. But this new interest in being paid to do what is expected of most children, as it was of us as children, is a troublesome thing.

How do we address this issue without turning it into something bigger than it needs to be, especially when communication between my husband and his ex-wife is tenuous at best?

Answer:

This is often a dilemma in blended families. If your husband and his ex-wife are unable to co-parent, then you can only focus and be consistent with the rules in your home.

For example, you can state that you understand things are different at her mom's house. However, in your house the expectation is that an allowance is given after chores have been completed. Homework is her job, but she is not compensated for it and so forth.

The delivery of this message can be empathic and noncompetitive with her mom’s rules. You can recognize that the adjustment between households is difficult and that she did not ask for this situation, but her dad’s job is to decide what rules are best for her. One caution: Be careful not to overcompensate for the leniency you feel that the biological mother is encouraging. Stay consistent with the rules, roles and consequences in your household only. If you and your husband share in the discipline, then you might present the expectations together.

Stepfamilies also have to negotiate a variety of different preferences. One household always eats corn flakes and the other eats Cheerios. This is tiresome for everyone, and sometimes there is an insider-versus-outsider dynamic that occurs when the biological parent and child have a history together and the stepparent feels left out. Acknowledging these differences and similarities can be helpful in forming new family systems.

It is important to give your stepdaughter some appropriate choices in your household so that you don’t create an unnecessary power struggle. Encouraging her to talk about the frustrations she feels managing differing parental expectations can help her feel understood and create less incentive to act out.

Also, plan to do fun things and enjoy each other as a family so that your time with her is not just about discipline.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Parent Equitably?

Question:

I have both a first-grader and a third-grader, and besides being of different genders, they are also different in how they are doing in school. My first-grader is doing wonderfully and has gotten many compliments; however, my third-grade daughter has been struggling.

I like to award the kids when they come home with good grades, but this is getting difficult due to my daughter. She is working really hard, but still struggles and has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places. It's getting hard to show my son that he is doing a good job while my daughter is looking on. I don't want to stop showing him that I am proud, but I don't want my daughter to feel that I feel any less for her.

Answer:

Parenting equitably is often a struggle, and it is especially difficult when one child has learning disabilities, or special medical or behavioral requirements.

Children's academic needs differ from child to child, based on the problem and the temperament of the child. One child can work a few extra minutes on a subject to keep up, while another needs specialized tutoring. Spending more time on homework is not effective if it is not geared to address your daughter's deficits.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable, obtainable and age-appropriate. Her teacher may be able to help you strategize a realistic homework plan that will enhance her learning and not overwhelm or discourage her.

Your statement that your daughter "has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places" reinforces the very thing you want to avoid - showing favoritism toward your son. Children should not miss family outings because they have difficulties in school. Feeling left out or left behind is not conducive to learning and stresses the sibling relationship.

You and your children could work on a structured after-school schedule, which allows each child a chance to organize a schedule based on the grade-level demands. Work on balancing play, work and family time.

Give each of your children additional scheduled "special time" alone with you. Try to do this with each child once a month and let each one pick an activity to do with you. This gives you the opportunity to find out how each of them is doing and allows you time to reinforce their strengths as well as hear their concerns.

Q&A with Debra: Am I Overprotective of My 9-Year-Old?

Question:

My daughter is 9 years old. Her friends from school and the neighborhood are allowed to roam the neighborhood without parental supervision, stay out later than her and have late bed times. I'm not sure if I'm right for keeping a tight rein on her or if I'm being a clingy mom. Things aren't the same as they were when I was growing up. How do I know if it's time to let go a little?

Answer:

Parents want to foster independence and initiative in their children, but the news is scary. We are warned about cyberspace stalking, molestation and abduction. I doubt the world was ever truly safe for children, but it does appear to be more perilous today, with danger lurking around every corner. This perception may be due in part because we have more media coverage of crimes against children, and recent education about the vulnerabilities children face in the world has also brought more awareness and fear for their safety.

Every parent needs to make her own decision about what level of independence she is comfortable with. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

    * How mature is your child, regardless of their chronological age.
    * Does your family have safety plans in place? Will your child know what to do in difficult situations?
    * What are the environmental risks in your neighborhood? (Not all suburban and rural areas are necessarily "safe," and not all urban areas are dangerous.)
    * Is your child good at making wise choices in general and independently of the influence of her peers?

It's still appropriate to establish a bedtime for fourth graders. It is not unlike setting a curfew for teenagers. However, one way both of you can feel better about the limits you set is by providing opportunities for her to make age appropriate choices for herself. For example, she can choose her extracurricular activities, the clothes she wears that day, and when she does her homework after school. Other activities to encourage responsibility are participation in household chores and involvement in charitable community activities.

Because safety will always be a parental concern, see if your school or PTA can contract with outside agencies to educate children and parents about the issues that are of most concern. Many local law enforcement agencies offer education in everything from pedestrian safety to Internet safety. Mcgruff.org has a variety of safety information.