Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Get My Daughter to Be Respectful?

Question:

My fifth-grader has gotten so she talks back and makes smart or sarcastic remarks whenever asked to do anything. It is so hard to ask her to do anything, knowing there will be an argument to get her to do it without any mouthing and asking over and over.

Answer:

A fifth-grader may enjoy being one of the oldest kids in their school, at the same time fearing becoming the youngest in middle school. It could be she is trying on new roles at home where it is "safer to act out."

Sarcasm is a way that people show their annoyance, anger or frustration, and their comments often have an intended victim. Since you only mention that this behavior is happening at home and with you, I suspect you are getting the brunt of her "growing pains."

This would be a good time to review if your relationship is changing to reflect her desire for more independence and input. Have her participate in a new list of responsibilities and expectations that you have of one another. Her sarcasm could be her way of telling you that you that she wants a more age-appropriate relationship with you.

It is important to model good communication skills. Examine if your family is more prone to using indirect communication such as humor, sarcasm, or silence. Some use is not harmful, but it sounds like you and your daughter are not feeling respected. Working together to be more empathic and clear and direct might allow both of you an opportunity to better understand one another.

Children and teens get a steady diet of media depicting sarcasm as a common communication style. It is not unusual to hear children using sarcasm regularly with both adults and their peers. It would be useful to explore with your daughter how this might be affecting her relationships and help her to become more discerning.

It is easier to not resort to lecturing or nagging if you remain open and curious about what your daughter is attempting to convey. You might also want to suggest that the teacher have a classroom discussion on sarcasm and its impact on others.

Q&A with Debra: My Daughter Does Not Share or Play Well with Others

Question:

My second-grader has difficulty sharing and playing with others. She seems almost angry. There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year. I also notice that she tries to do things on her own and not in front of others. It's as if she is worried about being embarrassed. Is this typical second-grade behavior or something I should get outside help with?

Answer:

Developmentally, second-graders have a strong need to belong and feel accepted by their peers and family. Children this age are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism. This might be why she is sensitive about doing things in front of others. Some common things that children are self-conscious about are:

    * Speaking or reading aloud, especially if they have learning challenges.
    * Writing, drawing or other physical activities; especially if there are difficulties with motor skills.

Find out what she is avoiding and under what circumstances to better support her and help her feel more confident doing those tasks.

You stated "There has been a lot going on in her life over the past year." Since I don't know what has occurred, it's difficult to fully discern whether her response to those circumstances is age- appropriate and understandable. For example, her "anger" might be reasonable, but some guidance might help her express it more productively.

How do her peer relationships and academic performance differ from last year? How does her teacher view her? A child her age typically desires cooperation and group alliance. You mention she is having problems sharing and playing with others; this might be an indication that she needs more support from her peers. Find out if there are friendship groups at your daughter's school. Friendship groups are groups that create a safe place for children who are struggling with social skills and with making friends.

I think that often when parents ask themselves, "Should I get outside help?" they already have a sense that the answer is probably "yes." Your school counselor might be a good resource to help explore what options are available at school and in your community. Check with your insurance provider or county mental health agency to see if they offer providers. Make sure you meet alone with any therapist first to feel comfortable that this individual has experience with the issues you need guidance with, before introducing him to your child.

Q&A with Debra: My preschooler is not participating in activities

Question:

My 4-year-old is enrolled in a summer activity, and the teacher informed me that she has not been participating in some of the games. She stands with her arms crossed and will not play. This is not the first time this has happened. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I always have her participate in activities with other children her age, and she loves it. When we go home, she talks nonstop about the things she does.

I talk to her about being slow to participate, and tell her that by the time she finally is ready to play a game, it's time to go or the game is over. I tell her it is rude to make people wait on her. My husband says she is shy; I say no way. To me, that is rude and unacceptable behavior, and when I have pushed her to go play or talk, she will. What should I do?

Answer:

One purpose of preschool is to learn how to have appropriate peer relationships. You do want her to be cooperative and follow rules, schedules, and instructions, because those skills are necessary for a positive experience in kindergarten.

I think that both you and your husband have valid points. It appears that you want her to learn social skills, which involves cooperation and good manners, and your husband wants to take into account her temperament. A 4–year-old doesn’t necessarily grasp what “being rude” is. She may only understand that she is uncomfortable with a particular situation but does not comprehend what she is feeling or how to tell you or her teacher. It is good that she reports liking school overall, so it may be that there is something difficult for her with certain activities or transitions.

Your daughter probably does better with you because she knows what to expect and your presence is comforting. You can ask the teacher to guide her through a new activity to encourage participation.

Her teacher can also help her by making sure she understands the activity. See that there is enough time to transition. If the children don’t have a choice of games or activities, then having clear rules about nonparticipation is helpful. This way she is not disruptive but is also not forced to join in. The teacher might suggest alternative behaviors.

You can play school at home, which often reveals what the trouble is. Then you and the teacher can come up with solutions.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Instill Confidence in My Child?

Question:

How do you instill confidence in a child? My daughter has a hard time looking people in the eyes. She makes negative comments about things that could or might happen, but never have. She says things like, "I didn't play with them because I know they wouldn't want to play with me," And "They'll tell me to go away and they don't want to be my friend" or "They'll yell at me if I sit by them."

When I watch her play on the school playground the children call her by name and ask her to play with them. They're constantly trying to get her attention. She has a lot of friends.

When I speak to her I give her eye contact. I let her know that when she looks someone in the eyes it tells them she's very interested in what they have to say. She's very pretty and above average in intellect. If you have any pointers I would appreciate it very much.

Answer:

Instilling confidence is such an interesting topic. Each of the behaviors you listed (negativity, poor self- confidence, lack of eye contact) could involve a lengthy discussion, or they could be viewed together as symptoms of: shyness, low self- esteem," depression, or "kindergarten transition."

One approach to building self confidence is to view it as a characteristic of the broader concept of "emotional intelligence." Emotional intelligence suggests that children learn about confidence by watching their parents demonstrate empathy, optimism, problem solving, and social and communication skills. This approach emphasizes that parental self- awareness is the key to modeling appropriate life skills, and by observing this, children improve their own self-awareness and confidence.

However, there is no substitute for life experience. Children also need to encounter their own challenges in order to build self-assurance. Lawrence Shapiro's, How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence is an excellent resource for teaching children positive interactions within themselves (self talk) and with others.

You said that she has a lot of friends and children ask her to play with them I'm wondering if she does have good peer relationships, but she reports it negatively to you.

If that is the case, please understand that sometimes young children learn to connect with parents over having "problems." It may be that she is focused on her difficulties, rather than her strengths. You can have empathy over a negative emotion, but balance it with identifying positive experiences. Ask an open-ended question like, "What was the most fun thing you did today?" Her teacher may be able to give you more insight into how she responds to her peers and thoughts on how to help her feel included by her peers.

It's fine to ask your daughter to look at you when speaking, but everyone has a different ability to hold eye contact. There is interesting research that by age five, children avert gaze in order to comprehend or answer questions. You can check out www.neurodiversity.com for more information.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Teach My Child to Say "No"?

Question:

My daughter doesn't like to tell her best friend "no" when he asks her to do something - even if she doesn't want to do it. How can I teach her it is okay to say "no" and express her feelings without fear of losing the friendship?

Answer:

Developmentally, fourth-graders are becoming more competitive, and they need to improve their communication skills and learn how to determine "safe" choices in their relationships. Fourth-graders often develop new friendships as a part of learning these new relationship skills. Your daughter may have some friends that no longer share her interests and may need to socialize with a different group. Changing friendships may be appropriate.

There is no substitute for actually saying, "No," discovering how the other person responds, and learning how to handle his response. You may improve, or change, some of your friendships. Here are some ideas to try:

    * What does she want to say "no" to? Can she offer an alternative for the activity her friend suggests? Can they take turns deciding how to spend their time together?
    * If saying "no" provokes bullying or unsafe behavior by her friend, have her ask for support from adults at school and from you.
    * Have her practice saying "no" appropriately in other areas of her life, including her relationship with you. If you respond to her "no" in a reasonable way, she'll gain more confidence.
    * Model respectful communication and negotiation skills with her.
    * Find out if her school offers workshops or counseling about friendships and conflict resolution. If not, suggest it.