Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Son Adjust to Our Move?

Question:

Our third-grader is having a great deal of trouble adjusting to our recent move. We left a home where he had always lived and moved to a neighboring state when my husband took a new job. He is having a very hard time adjusting and has not had much success making friends at the new school.

He says he loves his teacher and likes the school. But now he doesn't want to go. He looks for reasons to stay home and avoid it all together.

He has always done very well in school, and his old school was going to test him for its gifted program. He has never enjoyed team activities, and sports are of no interest. We have put him in the school's Cub Scout pack. He avoids interaction with the kids and stays close to his dad or me during the meetings. He has never been real social, but things are much worse here. Any ideas on what we can do to help him?

Answer:

Generally children adjust better when given as much preparation as possible, especially those who are more introverted, which may be your son's issue. In the future, introducing him to the new environments, before a move, might be helpful. Even if you may have done that, some children are worriers or slow to adjust.

Avoid the urge to make him feel better by overemphasizing how great the move is. Let him explore his sad feelings. He can honor his past by writing a story, drawing pictures or making a scrapbook with all of his familiar places. You can begin to explore his current situation by helping him determine what is "the same and different" about his life now. Because he is afraid, he may not recognize the ways in which his new life is similar to his old one. Discovering those similarities may be comforting.

You say, "He loves his teacher and likes his school." What about her and the school does he like? What things doesn't he like? What are some possible solutions? If he has trouble developing peer relationships, see if the teacher can assign him a "classroom buddy." He may be better able to tolerate the support from one child rather than a group. Ask the teacher for ideas and make sure he is academically stimulated.

It is tempting, when you see your son's unhappiness, to let him stay home from school. But this just reinforces his difficulties and delays his ability to learn coping skills. Explore whether your son is concerned about being away from you and your husband while he's at school. New home life situations can trigger feelings of being unsafe.

A school counselor might also be able to offer some guidance and community resources.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Preschooler Be More Social?

Question:

My 3.5-year-old daughter is talkative, energetic, imaginative and inquisitive at home. However, when she is at preschool, a neighbor's house, a dance class, etc., she is quiet and withdrawn. She prefers to sit and watch or withdraws completely from other people. What can I do to encourage her to interact with others and participate in group activities?

Answer:

Developmentally a 3.5-year-old is usually less interested in isolated play and more interested in group cooperative play. Children at this age typically play in small groups of two or three. At home with the nanny or with you, your daughter can be the focus of attention. No doubt you are more attentive than her peers. Although at this age children can be curious about others, they can also be bossy and exclusionary, and she might need time to adjust.

A regular schedule at her school can give her routine and structure. Ask the teacher to introduce her to one child who has a similar temperament or who your daughter has shown a previous interest in. The teacher can play with them for a short time and then leave them to play. Three-and-a-half-year-olds in a preschool setting will typically play with one or two children at a time and then leave that group and join another.

Preschoolers' play may be lively, but it is short in duration, and they can become easily fatigued or bored. Low frustration tolerance and a short attention span can make for frequent disagreements. The teacher can help redirect the children to new activities and play partners when they are having difficulty transitioning on their own.

If your daughter talks frequently about one of her classmates, you can try an at-home playdate. This gives you an opportunity to see how she interacts and provide appropriate guidance and support when needed. It is possible that her dance class is too overwhelming, and you might want to try it again after she has gained more social skills.

Q&A with Debra: Can I Ease My Child's Performance Anxiety?

Question:

My daughter gets extremely anxious when it comes to performing in front of people. This has affected her ability to perform in the school plays that she has been interested in and to take part in school projects in which she needs to speak in front of the class.

I want to help build her confidence and help her be less anxious. What do you recommend?

Answer:

Many girls at this age begin to report social anxiety, performance fears and fear of rejection. They may have had anxious feelings before, but they were described as "a little shy" rather than "having anxiety." Whether her behavior is isolated to performance, or is more generalized to include poor peer relationships, oversensitivity to criticism and low self-esteem, the treatment is similar.

The tools used for anxiety reduction will be helpful throughout her life. A common approach is to ask a person to notice her body's reactions and then rate the severity of the experience on a scale of one to five. If she can stop and feel her body's response, she can start the process of relaxing, before the anxiety takes over. Children can learn to calm themselves by muscle tightening and relaxing, slow breathing and visualization.

Helping children link their body's sensations to their negative thoughts also helps children slow their automatic reactions down. This process allows them to accept the feelings and begin to replace the scary thoughts with positive coping statements.

A school counselor, child therapist or behavioral pediatrician can help determine the severity of your daughter's anxiety and offer further help and guidance. Two very popular books with practical "how to" information are: Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky and Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald M Rapee, Susan H. Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Ann Wignall.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Shy Son?

Question:

My son plays well with his friends as long as he's with only one or two of them. Once more kids join in - or when I introduce him to my friends - he is really shy. He won't look in their eyes when spoken to and will speak in a very low voice. How can I help him? Are there any activities or places to go where he can learn to socialize successfully in a group?

Answer:

You raise an interesting question. Studies on child development show that there is a different perception about "shy" boys versus "shy" girls. In general, researchers observe that parents and teachers tend to praise boys for being outspoken and girls for being reserved. They note that this adult preference begins in preschool and may continue throughout a child's school years.

Social and cultural expectations can reinforce behaviors that are seen as desirable or undesirable, depending on the complexities of the issues and the individual temperament of the child. If a shy boy feels that others disapprove of his behavior he may become more socially awkward. Over time, this can be difficult for boys and they become more lonely and withdrawn.

To further discern if this is an adult expectation versus his temperament, it would be important to know if it your son sees his behavior as being the problem. Is his shyness apparent in only adult interactions?

How does his teacher view his social skills? Does he participate in class activities and discussions? You mentioned that he does have good peer relations. Some people prefer smaller groups. His behavior may not be an issue for him when everyone is enjoying themselves.

If you feel he is socially awkward, his teacher might provide opportunities to increase his interactions. Many community counseling centers and medical centers offer socialization groups. If you determine what scenarios make him feel anxious, you can help him by providing simple scripts or role playing. It's important to be positive and model good communication skills to avoid stimulating more anxiety. Participating in group activities that challenge and interest him is another way to practice social skills.

For further information: Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect by Adam J. Cox.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Worries That His Friends Don't Like Him

Question:

My first-grader is very sensitive. He's always worried about not having any friends. He has lots of friends in his class. But if they disagree with him or refuse to share, he thinks that they are being rude and that they don't like him any more. The next day or five minutes later everything is fine.

But this worries him. I don't know how to assure him that they like him and just not to worry about this. Help me help him. I don't want him to grow up insecure and just a follower.
Answer:

How wonderful that your son has lots of friends.More often we hear about trends of early aggression in boys, not camaraderie.

Your son is learning about peer relationships. It is difficult to navigate different temperaments and interaction styles. There is bound to be some conflict. It is common for children at his age to feel slighted and then have it blow over in five minutes.

But ask his teacher about his interactions. Teachers usually have a sense of age-appropriate behavior. You can also arrange play dates at home or other non-competitive socialization opportunities for more peer-interaction practice.

It is a natural reaction for a parent to want her child to be happy and successful in his relationships. However, sometimes our own fears about his well being may be misinterpreted by the child. Without knowing all the details, I can only give you what I think may be another contributing factor based on how you worded your question. You stated that your son is "very sensitive" and that you "don't want him to grow up insecure and just a follower." Is it possible that he has misinterpreted your reassurance? He may perceive people disagreeing with him or concerned about him as not liking him. An adult understands that you want your son to be resilient and independent, but a 6-year-old may view this as rejection.

Children at this age think in literal terms. If you think this may be a possibility, you might want to gently explore with him who else he fears may not like him when there are disagreements. Reassuring him about how you feel about him may straighten out any miscommunication and help him relax his concerns about not being likeable.