Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: Can I Ease My Child's Performance Anxiety?

Question:

My daughter gets extremely anxious when it comes to performing in front of people. This has affected her ability to perform in the school plays that she has been interested in and to take part in school projects in which she needs to speak in front of the class.

I want to help build her confidence and help her be less anxious. What do you recommend?

Answer:

Many girls at this age begin to report social anxiety, performance fears and fear of rejection. They may have had anxious feelings before, but they were described as "a little shy" rather than "having anxiety." Whether her behavior is isolated to performance, or is more generalized to include poor peer relationships, oversensitivity to criticism and low self-esteem, the treatment is similar.

The tools used for anxiety reduction will be helpful throughout her life. A common approach is to ask a person to notice her body's reactions and then rate the severity of the experience on a scale of one to five. If she can stop and feel her body's response, she can start the process of relaxing, before the anxiety takes over. Children can learn to calm themselves by muscle tightening and relaxing, slow breathing and visualization.

Helping children link their body's sensations to their negative thoughts also helps children slow their automatic reactions down. This process allows them to accept the feelings and begin to replace the scary thoughts with positive coping statements.

A school counselor, child therapist or behavioral pediatrician can help determine the severity of your daughter's anxiety and offer further help and guidance. Two very popular books with practical "how to" information are: Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky and Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald M Rapee, Susan H. Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Ann Wignall.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Ease My Child's Test Anxiety?

Question:

My first-grader has terrible test anxiety. Every Friday she has a spelling test and does not seem to get upset over it, but if I or the teacher tells her she is having a test any other day she gets very upset.

She will worry until the day of the test and then cry until we leave for school. I try to review the work with her to show her that she knows it. But she just gets upset and won't listen. I do not tell her I expect perfect scores. I always tell her I expect her to do her best. Is this normal in first grade? How can I help alleviate her anxiety?

Answer:

Here's the good news. Your daughter figured out how to take a spelling test every Friday and not get upset. That's a positive start and suggests that she doesn't necessarily have "terrible test anxiety." She may just need help in discovering how she was able to do that in order to generalize these methods to other subjects and situations.

It may be that she likes predictability. It gives her a sense of control. However, exploring other possible worries would also be helpful. For example, it might be the subject matter that makes her anxious, not the test day.

It is hard for any of us to get talked out of our feelings. But learning coping strategies for our worries can eliminate some stress and help us perform better. You can try reading storybooks with characters who worry to help her see how others cope. It doesn't have to be the same issue to be affective.

You can be curious and positive about her ability to take spelling tests, and marvel about how she was able to accomplish this. This can help her identify her strengths and ability to solve problems. Then guide her to using these same skills in a new situation. You can ask the teacher how she helps children prepare for tests, so that you replicate this at home. She may be confused about studying, the testing process and what it means to "do her best." Some teachers do not teach testing skills in first grade and others do. Knowing what the teacher's expectations are around testing would be helpful in guiding your own expectations.

If your child's anxiety escalates to school refusal, or additional fears, you should seek professional guidance from the school counselor or a child therapist for further assessment.