Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: My Child's Class Is Out of Control

Question:

My son is in a kindergarten classroom where the students are out of control most of the time. There are a few students in class who the teacher can not get control. It seems she spends more time dealing with misbehaving kids than teaching. Because of this my son is losing interest in school. What should I do?

Answer:

This is a very sensitive topic that is of concern to many parents. Not every teacher's strength is classroom management. And while some teachers may be very good at it, sometimes the level of a child's disturbance may be beyond either the teacher's skill set. Examples would include a child with severe emotional difficulties, or a school placement that is inappropriate. Not everyone's "needs" and "rights" are being adequately served in these complex situations.

In your case, without fully understanding the circumstances around the "misbehaving kids," it might be good to start by exploring with your son about how he feels about school. Find out what he is doing during the disruptive incidents. What is his relationship with the teacher? Does she answer his questions, call on him, and interact with him? Does he feel safe in the classroom? Is he learning what is required of him? Reinforce your pleasure in his ability to "make good choices" even when there are distractions.

With the details you have gathered from your son, you can start a conversation with the teacher about what your child says about his school experience and how you think your child is being affected. Because of the young age of your child, volunteering or visiting the classroom may also help you understand what your son is experiencing. Knowing specifics can help you have a more productive conversation with the teacher.

If you don't feel that the teacher is receptive or equipped to handle some of her students, go to your principal. The principal might be able to offer the teacher more guidance and support, which in turn will result in a better learning environment for your son and his classmates.

Q&A with Debra: I Think My Son's Teacher Is Playing Favorites

Question:

My fourth-grader is a good student and gets good grades. He had enjoyed school up until the teacher we have now and also had last year. She has her pets and makes it very clear. I can also see this when visiting the classroom. I have tried to discuss this with the teacher, but in turn she cornered our son and intimidated him. I don't know how to handle the situation now. He has learned nothing from this teacher in two years. I've heard other parents discussing this same problem.

Answer:

It appears from your statement "My fourth-grader is a good student and gets good grades" that your son is still able to perform well even when the learning conditions are not optimal. I would be curious to know how he has been able to do this for the past two years. Perhaps he learned his resiliency from you, and you are unaware that you have taught him to effectively cope with people in authority.

This skill might be a positive trait that you can highlight for him. Of course, no parent wants to feel like the teacher is unresponsive or inappropriate; it can be wounding to the parent as well as the child. However, the old question "Whose problem is this?" might be helpful for you to gain clarity. If after some honest soul-searching you discover that your son is indeed doing well in school, you might choose to let this issue go.

If, on the other hand, you feel that your son no longer enjoys school, is consistently intimidated by his teacher and is getting poor grades - and your attempts to talk with the teacher have not been positive - then you might want to discuss your experience with the principal. It would be helpful to state specifically what you would like to see changed and what steps you have taken to address this with the teacher.

Complaints about preferential treatment are not easy for the principal to address. It could be productive to have both the teacher and principal present when you voice your concerns; this way there would be less chance for miscommunication and a greater opportunity to have a positive plan going forward.

Q&A with Debra: My Child Thinks Her Teacher Doesn't Like Her

Question:

My second-grader feels her teacher doesn't like her. She hasn't been doing well in school because she doesn't feel accepted by her teacher. I addressed these problems with her teacher, but didn't get the response I wanted. I went to observe the classroom. True to my daughter's words, her teacher seemed distant and very strict. I went to help her, because I noticed she was struggling over the easiest task. I realized that my daughter felt intimidated and disliked by her teacher and was not performing well because of it.

I addressed these concerns again with the teacher, and told her my daughter was having stress-related anxiety because of the way she taught. I asked the teacher to help her through the anxiety aspect and that I would come back to observe. What should I do? I want my daughter to succeed without this kind of negative impression she gets from her teacher.

Answer:

Alice Terry, author of More Life Through Management, states, "A fundamental question for a student is 'Does my teacher like me?' Given a rigorous aligned curriculum, the answer to that simple question is our best predictor of student achievement." This quote certainly validates your concerns.

More research is performed regarding the student- teacher relationship in the primary grades, because it is viewed as a long term predictor of school success. The developmental and cognitive abilities of young children make it difficult to value themselves apart from the way others perceive them.

However, although the current trend in classroom management stresses, "equitable and positive classroom interactions;" increases in student aggression and inattentiveness leaves teachers feeling conflicted. They want to be emotionally sensitive, but may fear that they will loose control of their classroom. Their firmness may become disheartening to children who fear disapproval or have a low tolerance for disappointment.

When you said that you, "...did not get the response I wanted," was the teacher unresponsive, or just unclear about your request? Perhaps working together to define specific strategies might produce better results and improve communication.

Children may not always be in an ideal learning experience, but they can still learn to do their best. Find out which of the teacher's behaviors your daughter finds most intimidating. Help her to check this out with her teacher in order to test her perceptions, and start a dialog. Encourage your daughter to ask her teacher for what she needs (i.e. help in math, to be the lunch monitor, etc.). Doing this helps your daughter begin to identify and express her needs directly. Improving her ability to communicate, even with someone whom she finds scary, can help build her self-confidence.

If you feel that your child's teacher is still unresponsive, you might want to discuss this with the principal to see what else might be done.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Help My Tween Who Clashes With His Teacher?

Question:

My son, who is a seventh-grader, is having problems in his math class. I know he doesn't understand some of the material. He also clashes with his math teacher. I have met with her. My son says she is mean and makes fun of students, and I know she has made one of his friends cry by making a very insensitive comment to him in front of the whole class. She does however try to keep on top of him and checks in with me which I like because I normally keep tabs on how my son is doing in all his classes. I have always done this. The problem remains though. How do we sort out the personality clash from his academic struggles and address both issues? What should I do?

Answer:

This is often a difficult issue. Your acceptance of this complexity will help you gain clarity. You know your son is having difficulties in math, so is he projecting his frustration on to the teacher? Some questions to ask yourself might be: Do you feel that his accusations are credible? Have you had any negative interactions with her?

Some teachers have difficulty with classroom management. While there is no excuse for shaming children, there may be more to the story. It sounds like you have a good rapport with her. She has been cooperative with your requests, and keeps you informed of his progress. It might be helpful to inquire about your son's classroom behavior to help assess their relationship and to offer support. If after you explore the situation, you feel the teacher's behavior is inappropriate, you can ask for a meeting with the principal.

It is important not to jeopardize your relationship with your son. It is good that he can come to you with his concerns. You will want to keep that open communication without buying into his possible "blame game."

All of us need to learn how to tolerate frustration, accept personal responsibility and deal with difficult people. One way to help him with this is to encourage him to express his feelings that are independent of another's actions. For example, "I don't understand the math assignment and it makes me feel …"You can also work with him to obtain more autonomy and personal responsibility for his school work by encouraging him to create his own plan for achievement. It is good to check in with teachers, but he also needs to learn how to problem-solve and take ownership of his behavior. When we are feeling good about ourselves, it can be easier to tolerate difficult people and realize our part of the problem and solution.

Q&A with Debra: My Son Performs Well Only for Some Teachers

Question:

I am having this problem with my son. He is performing with some teachers and not at all well with some. He used to be an excellent student in elementary school but I see his interest in school waning in middle school and it worries me a bit because I know his capabilities. I am not sure how supportive some of his teachers are. Just today I was telling his teacher that in the past he did not want to leave the house unless all homework was done. Now he doesn't seem to care much. I know he is growing and developing but I am not sure what is happening to him to change his work habits that much. I am trying to be as supportive to him as much as possible until he grows out of this phase.

Answer:

Your son's decline in school performance may be for a variety of reasons. Some adolescents find it difficult to make the transition from elementary to middle school because the class sizes are bigger, they now have more than one teacher, they no longer get as much individual attention, and they need to be self motivated. That is a lot of change. These conditions can be more troubling for a student who may find himself faced with new academic challenges and increased school work. Often students don't know how, or are too embarrassed, to ask for help.

Reinforce what good work habits he has had in the past, but know that now he may need to develop new skills to get everything done. Ask him what ideas he may have to help himself. It may be necessary to break this down into smaller steps, such as clarifying the problem and then identifying where or to whom he needs to go to for help. It is OK to invite kids to complain about their teachers. Sometimes it is safer to blame others than feel like you don't know something. But later brainstorm what he needs to do to feel successful. Sometimes that may mean you have to do well even if you don't like the teacher or the subject. Your son may also be struggling with new peer relationships, which can also be a distraction. Offer him options to experiment with non-school related activities, to broaden his interests and to provide other opportunities for friendships. You might want to talk with the school counselor to see if the school offers life or study skills classes.

Adolescence is a time of learning about the adult world, which can be more unpredictable than childhood. It is great that you are there supporting him on his new adventure.