Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: I found out my sixth-grader has a boyfriend

Question:

My daughter is going into sixth grade this fall. I discovered by accident that she has had a boyfriend, who is also in her class, for about four months. How do I talk to her about this?

Answer:

My question is how did you find out? This might determine how you want to disclose that information to her. In general, being direct and honest is usually a good place to start, especially if you want her to communicate that way with you.

You could begin by saying something like, “I want you to be able to come to me about the important things that are happening in your life. I realize you are getting older and want privacy, but there are still certain guidelines I have for making sure you are safe.”

You can then ask her if she has a boyfriend and tell her how you heard about it. If you feel that you found out about it in an inappropriate way, tell her that in the future you would like to know such things through conversations with her.

Even if she denies it (it is possible that the relationship is over now), you can use this conversation as an opportunity to begin having those tough discussions about dating and growing up. If she says she didn’t want to tell you because you would overreact, ask her what her fears are about how you handle things. Try to remain calm and neutral, and don’t lecture. Ask her what she thinks about dating and what dating means to her, before offering your opinion and, ultimately, your rules.
Be clear on what is nonnegotiable.

Also, what are her expectations of her relationships in middle school? Will the boyfriend make her feel more grown-up or less alone? Who is in her support network entering middle school?

Every parent and family needs to determine what their values are and what they will or will not allow at different ages. How you handle this situation can be a chance to correct any misconceptions or bad communication in the past and set new appropriate guidelines.

Sneaking around can cause more problems. Ask to meet the boyfriend and his parents. This can also help you gain insight and encourage expectations that are clear for everyone. There are many difficult choices ahead of her. By laying the foundation for an open and trusting relationship, you will encourage her to share her experiences with you.

Q&A with Debra: My Sixth-Grader Won't Do His Work

Question:

I have a question or concern with my son, who is in the sixth grade. Lately he has been unable to do his school work. He chooses not to do it. He constantly has to have someone standing over him to do his work. If no one is there, he will not do anything. It has become a problem and the teachers are informing me all the time of this situation.

He is really good in reading and spelling. He is in the top 10 students in the school district with reading, with a total of 600 students. He does not want to study for his quizzes, spelling and so forth. When the testing comes around, he aces all of them. The students are puzzled and they ask, "How does he do it, he does not even do his work, or study?" The other thing is, my son will talk forever but when he is told to write it down, he won't. How do I deal with this? Help!

Answer:

There is much written about students who are "underachievers." In a recent study by Dr. Jeffrey Johnson at Columbia University; excessive television viewing was considered a major contributing factor. He reported that, "Television viewing time...was associated with elevated risk for subsequent frequent attention difficulties, frequent failure to complete homework assignments, frequent boredom at school, failure to complete high school, poor grades, negative attitudes about school..." These difficulties are sometimes seen in younger children but seem to be more prevalent in teens. That could be because there are additional contributing factors influencing their behavior.

When looking for "causes," try to eliminate the obvious stressors. A counselor specializing in teens or a behavioral pediatrician can help. They may look at everything from needing a new eyeglass prescription to adolescent depression and substance abuse. Ask yourself about other distractions such as major changes in the family (i.e., death, divorce, illness).

For some students it is simply a difficult transition from the protective environment of grade school to the new demands of middle school. Since he "will talk forever," take advantage of this strength and explore what may be difficult for him in sixth grade. He may be thinking, "Why do your homework or study when you're acing your tests?" You may want to work with his teachers to see if he needs more intellectual challenges. Writing involves a whole different set of skills than verbal communication and it would be important to review his school history to know what, if any, past challenges he has had in that area before determining strategies. Help support him in finding out what his interests are. If he is passionate about something and can find peers that share those same interests, the mundane (i.e., homework) can become less problematic.

Q&A with Debra: How Can I Help My Tween Who Hates Her School?

Question:

I was wondering if you had any advice for me. My 12-year-old daughter, who is in seventh grade, hates her school and classmates for the most part. We moved to this new school last year and she had a tough time, and this year has not improved. It is an extremely small K-8 school and she has 18 classmates of whom 12 are boys. She was in a school of 150 per grade before. This is a tough age - but her self- esteem is about nil and I have spoken with the school about my concerns. She displays a lot of anger. What can I do? I would like to try transferring but don't know if that is possible. Help!

Answer:

It is not clear if your move was a natural promotion to middle school, or if you moved because your family relocated. The transition to middle school from grade school is hard on many children and if your move includes giving up home, friends and familiar surroundings, the transition can seem very daunting. If this was the case, having her find ways to stay connected to her past, while finding ways to integrate into a new environment, can lessen her loss.

If your daughter did not have a choice in what school she now attends, this could also be problematic. No one likes to feel that they don't have some control over their lives. I think your statements show that you are aware of what some of the potential difficulties are. If all the children in this small K-8 school have been going to school together since kindergarten, it might be difficult to fit in. Their relationships have been established for a long time and this is a sensitive age where "newness" is threatening. The girl-to-boy ratio is also problematic, making her options even fewer.

It is a good idea to broaden a child's social network and activities when they are feeling isolated. However, it would seem due to the size of the school that you would need to seek resources outside the school environment.

School is more than just a place for academic learning; it is also about building social and emotional connections, cooperation and personal growth. It would be important to find out from your daughter what she feels she needs from her school setting to feel successful, and then work with the school to see if assimilation is possible, or determine if perhaps a different school would be a better fit.