Marin Family Counseling

Q&A with Debra: I found out my sixth-grader has a boyfriend

Question:

My daughter is going into sixth grade this fall. I discovered by accident that she has had a boyfriend, who is also in her class, for about four months. How do I talk to her about this?

Answer:

My question is how did you find out? This might determine how you want to disclose that information to her. In general, being direct and honest is usually a good place to start, especially if you want her to communicate that way with you.

You could begin by saying something like, “I want you to be able to come to me about the important things that are happening in your life. I realize you are getting older and want privacy, but there are still certain guidelines I have for making sure you are safe.”

You can then ask her if she has a boyfriend and tell her how you heard about it. If you feel that you found out about it in an inappropriate way, tell her that in the future you would like to know such things through conversations with her.

Even if she denies it (it is possible that the relationship is over now), you can use this conversation as an opportunity to begin having those tough discussions about dating and growing up. If she says she didn’t want to tell you because you would overreact, ask her what her fears are about how you handle things. Try to remain calm and neutral, and don’t lecture. Ask her what she thinks about dating and what dating means to her, before offering your opinion and, ultimately, your rules.
Be clear on what is nonnegotiable.

Also, what are her expectations of her relationships in middle school? Will the boyfriend make her feel more grown-up or less alone? Who is in her support network entering middle school?

Every parent and family needs to determine what their values are and what they will or will not allow at different ages. How you handle this situation can be a chance to correct any misconceptions or bad communication in the past and set new appropriate guidelines.

Sneaking around can cause more problems. Ask to meet the boyfriend and his parents. This can also help you gain insight and encourage expectations that are clear for everyone. There are many difficult choices ahead of her. By laying the foundation for an open and trusting relationship, you will encourage her to share her experiences with you.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Teach My Child It's OK to Lose?

Question:

My second-grade daughter is very bright. She reads at almost the fifth-grade level. The problem is that she is so hard on herself! She is often upset if she doesn't win at a math game and it can ruin her whole day. Despite encouragement at home, and constant reassurance that she cannot always be the leader or the winner, she just can't grasp this concept.

The only expectations we have for our daughter is to do her best, and enjoy school. I am afraid that this behavior, if not redirected, may be harmful in the long run. I know that I must also ignore some of the drama, but it can be hard. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer:

It is wonderful that you are examining her issue from all sides. It can be difficult to teach children how to lose gracefully. I think that in general, children today seem to have a lower tolerance for frustration than in previous generations. There are many things being attributed to this, such as keeping kids overly stimulated and active, not clearly defining expectations or giving mixed messages.

It can also be challenging for academically bright children to cope when things suddenly are difficult for them. There is no shortcut to life experience. Although she is reading at the fifth-grade level, she still is only in second grade. What are her teacher's expectations of her and how are they communicated?

Dealing with disappointment is a learned skill, and we learn first from the adults around us. You may want to explore how people tolerate frustration in your family. Even with the best of intentions we may give mixed messages by saying one thing, but modeling another. Adults come home from work and blame the boss, storm around the house when something didn't work out as planned, or call themselves "stupid." Modeling how to deal with unfulfilled expectations, by talking about what you are feeling, is one way to demonstrate coping skills.

As you mentioned, it is important to not fuel drama, especially if she's using it as a way to connect. Acknowledging her feelings, but minimizing your reaction can help. In a neutral tone you can say something like, "It's disappointing when you don't win at...". Then resist the pull to reassure her or make her stop. When she's calmer, you can ask her if she wants to come up with a solution. "Failure" teaches us problem solving, but sometimes we just need to learn to sit with our disappointment.

Q&A with Debra: How Do I Address Death With My First-Grader?

Question:

We recently had a death in the family. I want to make sure that I address the subject appropriately with my daughter. Can you advise me on how to address death with a first-grader and suggest some good books on the subject at a first-grade level?

Answer:

I'm sorry for your family's loss. Although death is a natural part of life, it can be difficult to discuss with children, especially when you are experiencing your own grief. Even if your child has never personally known anyone who died, they have likely been exposed through the media. By giving your child an opportunity to talk openly about death, you're letting her know she can rely on you in troubled times.

It may help your child to learn that everyone grieves differently based on their age, their relationship to the deceased, and their past experiences. If it seems appropriate, you might explain how your family copes with death, their beliefs about the afterlife, and the feelings they have about who died and how.

Children aged six to eight understand that death is final, but may not be fully aware that personal death is unavoidable. They are focused on who else might die and who would take care of them if something happened to you or your spouse. They need reassurance that they will be cared for.

Children at this age think in concrete terms, so it's best to avoid euphemisms. For example, saying "He went to sleep," might cause confusion. Children often feel responsible for "bad things" happening. Reassure them that death is not the result of anything they did or thought. They may also believe death is something that "comes and gets you." Be clear about how and what caused your relative's death.

Children may have difficulty verbalizing their feelings and may show their feelings through their behavior and physical reactions. Common normal grief reactions:

    * Being clingy, teary, anxious and overactive, or withdrawn.
    * Changes in sleep patterns, and complaints about being tired or having stomachaches.

Children have a limited capacity to tolerate pain. Sometimes they appear very concerned and need reassurance, or they may seem indifferent. They grieve intermittently and in brief and intense spurts. To help navigate through the uncertainty, parents can offer safety and continuity by discussing what is "the same and different" since the death occurred. Participating in rituals (including funerals) can be helpful to honor their relationship with the deceased.

Grief is an ongoing process for everyone. We grieve over time and re-visit the loss at different developmental stages. There is no particular time frame. A child's grief becomes a problem if it disrupts her normal development.

Here are some helpful resources on grief in children:

    * Guiding Your Child Through Grief by Mary Ann Emswiler and James Emswiler
    * Compassion Books has a section on "Children and Grief."
    * When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. This picture book for children ages five to ten explores types of deaths, cultural differences, children's concerns and provides ideas to help memorialize loved ones.